New member 18 months into care, undiagnosed

[Mattman1983]

Hello new to me forum.

I guess I had better write a bit about me here as it's my first post.
I'm Matt, I'm 26 and fron Harrogate. You could say I have had it pretty rough my whole life but it never seemed to make any lasting impression.

Five years ago my dad passed away unexpectedly and as you would imagine it hit me very hard. I drank incredibly heavily, smoked a lot of weed and was very reclusive. My GP immidiatly offered me citalopram and nothing else, I declined and gradually levelled out again and found a new job. things went well for a little while until july 2008. This was a very significant point in my life. Just after lunch at work my boss was given a stern telling off because i had followed a 'wrong instruction' given by him. so instead of taking it like he should have, the buck was passed straight on to me. I was backed into a corner and yelled at for something he told me to do for what can only be a few seconds before I realized what was going on. Before I knew what to do, I flew into a huge rage at him, real red mist stuff. I felt like I was blacked out and everything sounded like a tv in another room and I couldnt see properly. the next thing I knew I was in town in the rain... no ciggies, no jumper, no keys or phone. I only had a bit of cash so I managed to get a bus home.

Since then I have been in such a low mood, short tempered and revert back to the state where I have no control, almost as if I'm not myself. I have been on citalopram and prozac. I overdosed diliberatly on these. and on paracetamol. drank heavily again and become almost an insomniac.

I have been seeing my GP for 18 months now and no longer am allowed prescription drugs. I've been in hospital a few times. picked up by the police very disorientated after an 'episode' and seem a psychologist and community mental health worker.

I am yet to be diagnosed with anything, not been offered anything properly and the suicidal feelings are becoming more frequent.

So thats me. my problems and hopefully structured in a way you can all read. sorry its such a long first post.

Matt.

 

[keepsafe]

to the forum Matt,

I have also experienced that red mist, something to do with being backed in to a corner I think where there seems to be no escape. I hope that this forum will be of some help to you.

KS

 

[Mattman1983]

Hello, thank you for the welcome. The red mist can occur at any time for any reason really. most of the time i am able to hold it back. but it will come out soon after.

thanks again for the welcome.

 

[oneday]

Welcome!

Yes, welcome, Mattman. I'm listening to your dub reggae posting from the Chill-out Cafe thread (Prince Fari now) - Thanks for cheering my morning with that.

Hope you find the forum useful and supportive and fun sometimes too (I do/have, and I've only been here about 3 weeks myself). keep in touch
oneday

 

[SimonB]

HI

HI Matt,

 

[emski]

Hi Matt

thanks for sharing your story, hope you like the forum

 

[iffybob]

Have you actualy asked for a diagnosis .... ?

Even if you get one.. they will prob change it over time .. and you might not like it ... as getting a diagnosis can have its draw backs ....


o,yeh ....... hi n' .... boB

 

[Mattman1983]

I have asked for them to decide what they think is wrong with me. no luck with that.

they have speculated that im possibly

Bi-polar
Schizophrenic
post traumatic
brain damaged
borderline
knackered

so iguess its a bit of a pick and mix. im currently unmedicated and driving myself mad.

its nice to read about people in similar boats

 

[iffybob]

Yep nice usual suspects list ...

.. the best you can do is try and take treatment and support that helps you ...

.. I take it you meen that sinking feeling boat ... yep .. cant find the captain either ...

.......

 

[Mattman1983]

my boat is made of swiss cheese and its whirling around the big drain

 

[Watercolours]

Hi Matt, (Sorry this is a long post...)

Welcome to the forum, I’m new around here as well but not new to mental health services... I’m 32 and have a DX of Borderline Personality Disorder and Rapid Cycling Mood Swings... plus OCD! I'm also starting my training in September as a Mental Health Nurse!

I can relate to losing your Dad, I lost my mum last March and whilst I was somewhat prepare for her death because she was ill, I went a little off the rails, slightly a mixed episode, I travelled Europe on and off whilst attending group therapy in the UK on Thursday, pissing off my therapist because I was planning to end my life but wouldn't tell them when... in the end I ended up in hospital for three weeks and I guess it was there I began to change a lot of things around...

I’ve experienced the same with trying to get a DX I was under the care of my GP and a CPN on and off and had some time off work from my council job on and off, I was back in work after a long period off sick when I was on antidepressants I knew I was gradually getting unwell again, one day a call I took annoyed the hell out of me, I did my best to deal with it as professionally as I could but the women on the other end of the phone had a right go at me, in the end I terminated the call, and logged the details... in the mean time her mother called back to complain about the women her daughter just spoke to who was rude (OBVIOUSLY ME!) she didn’t realise she was talking to me... I was still shaking and wound up from the initial call and I passed it over to a manager who couldn’t be bothered dealing with, she more interested in discussing her shopping trip with another manager...

She took the call off me, and this women let rip into her... she then took her bad mood out on me... I just lost my temper in the call centre and shouted I wasn’t paid to deal with this shit and broke down, ran out in tears... I was so suicidal at the time, that day I was referred to the crisis team and the talk of being Bipolar was mentioned because of my mood swings...

It took around 4 years to get an accurate diagnosis but I’m Borderline and my current Psych is one the verge of changing it to Bipolar... I see a private psych now, the NHS just slapped me with Borderline because of some self harm issues and one issue of abuse when I was a kid... my private psych is fantastic, I see her every couple of weeks and have built up a rapport with her so she’s got to know me better... I’ve always known I was more Bipolar than Borderline although it’s possible I have a dual diagnosis and may end up labelled with both... I only went private because I was pissed off the NHS wouldn't give me mood stabilisers after asking at every appointment, my mood swings were just making my life unbearable to live... I went private, got mood stabilisers at the first appointment which was last March and the difference has been amazing... I can actually determine what PMT is now!

The main thing is the mental health path is a crazy paving way and getting a diagnosis can take a long long time especially in the NHS... even worse if you see different psych.

A couple of questions for you?

Do you have a regular Psychiatrist?

If so, have you seen a Consultant or just an SHO?

If not DEMAND an appointment at the hospital to see a Consultant... ideally only a Consultant can make an accurate DX, if you have a CPN they should be looking at helping you see a Psych regular...

If they suspect brain damage or Schizophrenia they could do MRI scans? Have they asked about family history?

I think from your post you have only tried two AD's from your GP, there are so many more out there... is there a reason your GP won't start you on another other than your risk of overdosing... pehaps limiting them to a 7 day supply... I was on a 7 day supply for a while because of overdose risk last year...

I've waffled enough, but if you want to know more please don't hesitate to ask!

 

[Mattman1983]

Hi Watercolours,

I had been seeing my gp for over a year before i got a referral to the cmht.

Form there i we spoke about a severe assault on me where i was kicked in the head with steel toecap boots. so i got another referral for an mri scan and a few visits to the mental health wing in the hospital for some tests to see if i can problem solve. i explained that i am and always have been able to solve logical tasks and problems but they still went ahead and tested me.

Result was she said i have severe psychosocial issues and potentially schizophrenic.

deferred back to cmht. so far i havent been able to get hold of them and its now been over 3 months since my defferal and 2 overdoses. granted these only served to reward my mind with some peace and quiet for a couple of days at a time.

I see my GP regularly still and will be doing again today where im going to try and talk properly without becoming distracted and forgetting what im going to see her for.

Still no appointment for an MRi scan, no referral to a CPN an no meds. i get a sick note every time and get the assesment rate ESA because for some reason the DLA had made a mess of my claim.

Got a medical examination early next month. Its going to stress me out and potentially send me back off the rails again. joy.

Im really considering drastic action too