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new me.

A

act044

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 8, 2014
Messages
333
So a couple weeks ago I decided to make some changes . I want to be a better person.. a better mother.. a better spouse. I quit doing drugs; I've been clean about 3 or 4 months.. haven't been keeping track. I don't drink.. maybe a glass of wine every now and again. Today is my quit pot and cigarettes day. While I'm visiting my grandparents I'm going to use her treadmill and start a workout / diet plan. I want to be healthier then maybe I'll feel better. I want my son to have a healthier life too. I'm off to a good start. Today is the first day I haven't smoked pot ( I don't smoke much to begin with). Today is my last day of smoking. I'm finishing off my last pack. I'm going to use my e smoke whenever I have intense cravings. I promised my son I would quit. He gets so worried and doesn't like it. This gives me a little more incentive. I'm hoping I can continue this path of healthy lifestyle changes. I was looking into treadmills as well and am going to buy one in the new year. It's hard for me to get to the gym and I need a little push to workout at home. I enjoy the treadmill so once I hop on that I'll have more energy to work out the rest of my body . Everyone keeps asking if I'm preggers because I've formed a bit of a belly. I am getting checked to be sure that's not the cause. I am hoping it is but if it's not I am going to workout hard. Get the body I want . I've never been fat but I've put on a few extra pounds that I want to be rid of. Wish me luck on this journey of healthyness. Hope all is well or gets better for you all.
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
1,079
I wish you luck! It's good to read a positive post and to hear of how hard you're working to make changes in your life. Good luck with your endeavours, I hope all goes as planned.
 
A

act044

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 8, 2014
Messages
333
I'm not pregnant . I was tested and it is negative. If I was pregnant I wouldn't be smoking pot. I just wanted to double check with the weight I've been gaining. I am quitting for my health . If I was pregnant I would have quot as soon as I found out if I hadn't already .
 
Silver

Silver

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 25, 2014
Messages
62
Location
Norwich
It's probably best that you have quit before getting pregnant as i'm sure even a month or so would do some harm. It sounds like you are trying to turn your life around. Good luck.
 
M

Mastiff mom

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 22, 2014
Messages
1,157
Location
Washington,DC
Congratulations on all you are doing to have a healthy life--it's not easy so I'm clapping for you!!! Hugs!
 
A

act044

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 8, 2014
Messages
333
Well my quitting smoking didn't turn out. There are to many stresses happening at the moment making it difficult. Sitting outside having a smoke is calming and relieves a bit of stress.

I got home today to find a letter from a loan brokers lawyer. They are taking me to court for more money than I owe which I can't pay being on disability . I'm fighting it though and I think I have a good chance because they loaned me off my student loan which is illegal. They made it clear to me what they were doing is illegal but they're doing it anyways.

I am really anxious to get in touch with a lawyer though and get this figured out. I also took out a phone contract for someone close whom I thought wouldn't f*** me but apparently I was wrong . The phone got stolen and I wasn't told so now I'm sitting here with a 1200 dollar bill that no one can afford . I am really stressed about this.

Everything of mine is going to collections because I lost my job and am on disability not able to pay for things. I have almost caught up on my bills which is good. I have my shit under control it's just this phone bill and collections now.

Being an adult is super stressful and all this happened while the holidays were around which made it that more stressful. Trying to give my son the Christmas he deserves then all my family's gifts while playing catch up on my bills then this phone bill hits me on Christmas. Life seems like nothing but heartache. I'm trying to enjoy this holiday with my son but shit keeps piling up making me want to give up.

I want to take the cowardly way out and just end it. I don't want to leave my son though. Although he would be better off without me. He would be wirh someone who could provide for him better than I can. Someone who isn't so emotional . Don't get me wrong he's not lacking. He has way more than a lot of children out there and he has tons of love from me and his step father. I just feel inadequate as if I'm a failure to my family. It is really hard keeping it together when all I want to do is cry . I just wish this hardship would end. It feels Neverending . I want smooth sailing happy life.

My emotions from this disorder are hard enough then adding the stresses of life makes it unbearable. I look around at the people surrounding me and it seems everything is handed to them . They don't have to work for anything plus they don't have to deal with this emotional Rollercoaster. It seems my stick is shitty at both ends . Nothing is easy and will never be easy. I don't understand why somethings can't come easy for me. Why do I have to deal with this lifelong illness and financial struggles. Why can't I have one or the other .. or none at all??? Hmm life hasn't treated me good. I had a rough child hood . Everyone told me things would get better. I went from my step dad beating me to my son's father beating me. It's a Neverending cycle.

My hubby (sons step father ) is wonderful so I did good there but everything else seems to be hard and getting harder. I don't understand why my whole life has been shit. I guess not my whole life. I lucked out with my wonderful son and hubby so maybe things aren't so bad. Maybe I just need to keep on trucking and it will slowly get better. These emotions though are getting the better of me. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like things are never ending and are not going to get better . Oh well I will keep on loving my two boys and hope for the best. Sorry about the essay I just feel lost.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Gajolene

Gajolene

Well-known member
Joined
May 30, 2012
Messages
7,824
Location
small town Ontario, Canada
Hi act, wish I had more advice to give you aside from, just keep going one day at a time.:hug: I can relate to so much you said in your post, and I just wanted to say don't give up and the best gift you could give your son is for him to see you break out of abusive cycles and for you to be well. Life isn't easy for a lot of us and for some of us the crap never ends one thing after another. You still get up every day and live the day one day at a time.

I wasn't sucessfull either at my latest quitting attempt. I am going to request a program at my local clinic as I know I can't do it myself. Maybe something you may want to consider.

I hope you don't mind but I edited paragraph breaks into your post to make it easier for the members to read. I didn't change anything. It's very hard for us with eye problems to focus on long posts without breaks. Just helping :hug:
 
A

act044

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 8, 2014
Messages
333
Sorry my mind is in shambles right now. My head is going from one place to the next then back. I can't think straight right now. I forgot to bring my meds to the farm so I've been off them for about 2 weeks and isn't going well. My moods have been everywhere.
 
D

Deliah

Guest
Hey sweet heart, sorry to hear you are suffering. Try mindfulness, it will help you. Love D xx
 
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