New looking for advice for my wifes anxiety

[Anxietyhusband]

New here looking for advice.
My wife has been having problems with anxiety the last few years and a lot of it seems to stem from dealing with the unknown and running away with such thoughts in her head.

Examples:
-Our son has an eye condition and she has described how at times she thinks about how it will affect him later in his life and her thoughts continue to spiral in her head until she is in tears.
-Other times she has had a error or a situation at work that when she comes home she continues to play over and over in her head until she is in tears and visibly shaking.

Anything i do only makes things worse, i have tried to help her when she gets in one of these states and talk through the problem but often ends up with me being shouted at and i feel like the implication of if dont have the solution to the problem it is somehow my fault. This is usually followed by a few days of silent treatment as she stomps around and occupies herself with any house work or hobbies she can find to keep herself busy.

I know its the wrong move and doesnt help things but at times in the heat of the moment i start to shout back to defend myself.

I am starting to feel that the best thing i can do for the both of us when she is in one of these states is to just give her a wide berth and leave her until she was worked through it.

I love my wife and know she hates being like this and i hate failing her and being unable to help. Is this something we should look into some sort of therapy with the NHS or privately? And if so how do i go about approaching the topic with my wife?

Our latest incident she ordered a takeaway that kept being delayed and delayed until eventually cancelled too late in the evening to order something else she ended up hysterical on the kitchen floor about what to do. Again i only made things worse and ended up walking away to let her calm down. We have barely spoken in the three days since.

 

[Sash1]

I think everyone is different in those situations, I have those anxieties too. I panic about the slightest thing, I constantly worry(catastrophise) over my kids and fami!y, I totally get the delayed takeaway situation, been there!
I live alone now but I do make frantic phone calls to loved ones making sue they're ok when my anxieties take over.
The best thing for me personally, is reasurance..to be told not to worry, everything is ok, just to hear that in a calm way then, distraction.
It's very difficult to ask someone about their mental health, but reassure her its her decision if she wants to see the doctors etc, and nowadays doctors are very, very sympathetic towards mental health.
I think it would help you both to deal with this, it's not so scary once you get the ball rolling.
Make an appointment with your GP, he/she will probably start with mild medication and take it from there.

 

[Alex Margera]

Hi Anxiety husband!

Thank you for your post. I too am new here and I have experienced similar situations in my own relationship. I think it is not all that uncommon, so hopefully I can share some tips with you.

I think that each situation and relationship requires different support and different approaches. Some people love to talk through things and hear reasons why what they are thinking doesn't make sense, or are irrational anxiety driven thoughts or why they can rest assured none of the doom their mind is telling them will occur. This is a fact or reason based approach. Others need to talk through things and just have someone be empathetic, rather than give solutions. Simply an emotional based approach. The quiet support of, "That must be really hard for you.. please know I'm always here for you, you can always tell me how you feel and wont judge you for it." goes a long way and gives space for you to process out your thoughts on your own but receive emotional support all the while. I think this is how most people with anxiety feel and like to be comforted. It depends on the person though. I think most people can tell when their mind is running wild, and don't necessarily need to be reminded of why that is irrational, but need to have someone with them they can count on to empathise with the difficulty of being emotionally captive to thoughts you yourself wish you could stop having or processing.

One of the best things I ever did in this situation was to see a counselor, or therapist as having a neutral person (i.e. not a family member) to walk through these moments of panic, anxiety, acute mental strain, etc. was very helpful. A lot of times, a partner is able to help us through the initial moment of sorrow, but the processing the moment afterward (days or weeks) really tends to be difficult when its with a family member. I'm not sure why that is.

I hope that this can help you

 

[Zoe1]

yes I've struggled with that ' why can't I counsel my relatives ' issue
when it seems so clear to me what they need to work on !
something happens inside where I start blaming myself I think
which is why its useful to have a professional involved
as a detached third party

 

[Am33]

From my understanding our minds are designed to focus on solving problems . Our minds work much like a computer in her case her program to solve problems isn't shutting down it keeps running causing anxiety . She needs to still her mind by focusing on other things talking a walk in nature , positive affirmations work wonders you can say them together .Therapy would also help to uncover her beliefs causing anxiety arent real and can be changed.

 

[UpnDwn1978]

Hi Anxietyhusband welcome to the forum

 

[Zoe1]

hi Anxietyhusband

I think walking away as much as possible is a good strategy

you also need some support for yourself
which should be possible to find in the UK
something like Care for the Carers ?

welcome to the forum