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New job - so anxious

U

user9898

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 6, 2019
Messages
146
Location
europe
Just applying for a new job was so difficult and brought about so much negative thoughts and anxiety.

I feel so bad about my resume which has holes in it and mostly temp jobs. Somehow I managed to send an application and they responded kind of positively. When I realized I might get the job, I got extremely anxious that I would fail. People will hate me, the coworkers will ridicule me and so on. I am still waiting to get a response. It's a temp job.

However, when I think of what I have been able to achieve before, I realize that these are irrational fears.
Or are they?
Can I even trust my own instincts anymore?

When I started writing this, I suddenly got the idea that I CAN do this:
that I only have one life and that I should face it head on and that I shouldn't hide and take the easy route by taking back my application.

Now I am having second thoughts again.
This feeling of uncertainty, that I change my mind so rapidly, is frightening. A part of me wishes I could keep my old job and just have nothing change for the rest of my life, to be safe forever, never ever leave my home even. Sounds so cowardly now when I read it. I need to explore these fears, I need to write them down so I don't act on them without thinking. Making decisions that are based on these irrational thoughts is a recipe for disaster.
Then I think about my parents who wanted the best for me and cared for me. I really want to make them proud of me, I don't want to fail them!

Sorry for writing such a long text but I really need someone to give me some feedback, I would appreciate it so, so much!
 
hicks

hicks

Well-known member
Joined
May 14, 2019
Messages
1,485
Location
A galaxy, far far away..
When I started writing this, I suddenly got the idea that I CAN do this:
that I only have one life and that I should face it head on and that I shouldn't hide and take the easy route by taking back my application.
Great attitude, hold on to that one. You can do it! Fact is, they have responded positively, so they believe you can do the job, based on your previous experience.
It's natural to have self-doubts, and question your ability to be up to the task. But you are capable, and as you say, think back to previous situations where you've coped and done a good job.
 
U

user9898

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 6, 2019
Messages
146
Location
europe
Great attitude, hold on to that one. You can do it! Fact is, they have responded positively, so they believe you can do the job, based on your previous experience.
It's natural to have self-doubts, and question your ability to be up to the task. But you are capable, and as you say, think back to previous situations where you've coped and done a good job.
Thank you so much for replying @hicks ! I really needed to read some encouraging words! Biggest hugs from me :)
 
U

user9898

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 6, 2019
Messages
146
Location
europe
I went to the interview, my heart was racing. I somehow managed to get a feeling of being brave and thinking "I can do this, it's nothing" and I got on my best clothes trying to feel like I at least look good (I really feel like the ugliest guy in the world to be honest).

The first person who greeted me was so nice and made me feel better. I met the boss who started out by pointing out the holes in my resume: I got really stressed but I managed to give an answer which was a half-truth: I love to travel a lot which I do.
Answering that I have had depression/anxiety is probably not the smartest. Then I said: I know I don't have the perfect resume to which the boss replied: nobody's perfect.

The boss seems like a no-nonsense guy with a low agreeableness which was pretty stressful. He did cut me some slack when I admitted my terrible resume though. If he didn't like me, he could easily have cut me down and ended the interview on the spot.
I am not sure if me admitting I don't have a perfect resume is a good idea. But this is who I am, if I make a mistake or have a weakness, my gut instinct is to admit to it directly, I am self-deprecating I guess. I have tried to work on it but sometimes I just don't care.

It felt kind of good in the end but man is this tough! The adrenaline could probably kill a horse!
There were 2 aspects of the job that I didn't anticipate that isn't exactly what I want or like right away though. I need the weekend to digest it, I may even need an entire year to understand the entire ordeal. I think the next move is mine.

Writing about it here is very helpful. What is so frightening is how I have made decisions in the past, not even thinking about important aspects and never discussing it with anyone. Yesterday I actually called people to discuss it!
I was walking through life like a zombie with a very low level reasoning. So very sad that I wasted all those years. I got hit with a big blow on one of my first jobs: bulliying which devastated me.

I think I managed to come across as pretty decent, certainly very nervous though! My nervousness decreased towards the end which is a good sign I think.

When I was on venlafaxin, I was also nervous but I couldn't connect with my emotions or with people. I have doubted stopping so many times. Right now it feels good to have left it behind.

I hope someone else can benefit from my ramblings and I most of all hope that in the end I can send a message that we do get second chances!
 
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