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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

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Etak

New member
Joined
Apr 12, 2021
Messages
3
Location
New Zealand
Hey.
Not actually sure where to start, nor do I know why I'm posting on this either! Bare with me please :)
So I'm 27 years old. And I've just suffered my first heart break. It came out of the blue, and we were only together for 10 months. I'd previously been in a toxic six year relationship & this relationship was my first one since. It was honestly magical, we had so much in common, we travelled our beautiful country in a van we'd done up, did loads of new things we'd never done before, from camping to fishing to hiking, saw amazing sites, the list goes on but basically.. we grew, we laughed, we enjoyed. And as I was falling more & more in love each day, he was beginning to fall out of love (again, no idea it was happening). Then one night after having the most amazing weekend away, he told me he didn't feel the same anymore & no longer found me attractive.
Its been abit over a month since, and I'm still struggling to come to terms with it. I try to keep busy, to focus on self love, etc. I go to counselling, exercise everyday, do all the things I enjoy, but.. I continuously have bad dreams. I've started having palpitations, my body heats up, I start sweating, I feel overwhelmed and just terrified. I've never in my entire life felt like this before.

I do have a lot going on in my life, I'm an only child & my mother was diagnosed with cancer, which caused me to move back home from the country I was living in just over a year ago. I've also been in hospital with basic spine issues but now I've been told I'll be needing spinal surgery. On top of that I study full time. There's plenty more crap that's happened in the past year or so, this covid stuff, etc. But I think you catch my drift.

I just feel absolutely devastated with the loss of my relationship. I felt joy, pure happiness. And it was so much more enjoyable with him by my side.. and in the process of building our relationship.. I found happiness within myself after years and years of feeling so alone in another country with my toxic ex partner. Yet, here I am feeling numb, low and like its all been ripped away!

Not sure what I was hoping to get from this? Maybe some advice? Or to know that others have been through this? To know it gets easier? That the anxiety or what ever it is will stop? That maybe I'll be able to get a full night's sleep sometime soon?

P.S I've just started sleep eating & I don't realise until I see the evidence in the morning. Who knows what's going on with my body & mind. I feel like im losing it!
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
2,194
Hi there, welcome to the Forum, and I'm so sorry to hear of everything you are going through and the loss of your relationship and everything that goes with it. May I ask how your Counselling is going, have you spoken about this and if so is it helping? :hug: If you haven't already I think you should speak to your Doctor about all the physical symptoms you have mentioned, including the sleep walking. Break ups can be particularly devastating, especially if we pin and contribute personal growth etc. to that person we were in a relationship with. Our personal perception of ourselves can change as we might believe we have lost everything. Using a phrase of not finding someone attractive anymore can be a easy cop out of a relationship, rather than actually spend time going through the real reasons, and their decision(s) questioned, which in turn could make them feel awkward and them then possibly re-consider their decision to part ways. I wouldn't take it personally, it's more likely a weakness on his part, and he hasn't exactly been forthcoming being honest about how his feelings towards the relationship were starting to change. Was he even clear about his long-term plans etc. to start with? Everything you have gained as a person is still yours, nothing has changed, although believing that might be more difficult? Hope this has helped?
 
E

Etak

New member
Joined
Apr 12, 2021
Messages
3
Location
New Zealand
Hi there, welcome to the Forum, and I'm so sorry to hear of everything you are going through and the loss of your relationship and everything that goes with it. May I ask how your Counselling is going, have you spoken about this and if so is it helping? :hug: If you haven't already I think you should speak to your Doctor about all the physical symptoms you have mentioned, including the sleep walking. Break ups can be particularly devastating, especially if we pin and contribute personal growth etc. to that person we were in a relationship with. Our personal perception of ourselves can change as we might believe we have lost everything. Using a phrase of not finding someone attractive anymore can be a easy cop out of a relationship, rather than actually spend time going through the real reasons, and their decision(s) questioned, which in turn could make them feel awkward and them then possibly re-consider their decision to part ways. I wouldn't take it personally, it's more likely a weakness on his part, and he hasn't exactly been forthcoming being honest about how his feelings towards the relationship were starting to change. Was he even clear about his long-term plans etc. to start with? Everything you have gained as a person is still yours, nothing has changed, although believing that might be more difficult? Hope this has helped?
Hey,
Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it :)
Yeah I've mentioned majority of this to my counsellor, the only I haven't is the heart fluctuation stuff as it's happened since my last appointment. Yeah it definitely helps, especially that day, I'm so much more productive.
I will book an appointment sometime this week with my doctor, I saw her not long ago to lower my nerve pain meds, as I thought that was having an impact on my craziness, but didn't appear to be, only ended up in actual physical pain instead.

As for the relationship, yeah his excuse was a cop out. He did mention a couple of other things such as the way I live, doesn't work with the way he lives. Which I'm still unable to comprehend as I have no idea what he's referring to. We never had any issues with living etc.
Yeah we always spoke about the future, wanting kids, buying a house. We looked at houses etc. We literally mirror imaged our dream house. He also had goals, like owning his own business. And he was almost there. We spoke about me doing his paperwork stuff part time etx.

It was very much out of the blue. But people don't leave unless they want to. He made his choice, I really need to learn to live with it.

Its definitely easier said than done. I definitely felt I lost a part of me. Maybe I was too codependent on him? He helped me through so much.

I'm so grateful for my past year though. It was the best year of my life. Hands down.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
2,194
Hi there, just checking on how you are :hug: Sometimes the not knowing why someone finishes with us can play on our minds, and prevent or prolong closure. Are you still in contact with one another? It's no surprise how much you invested in this relationship when the pair of you seemed to be mapping out your futures together. It must have come as a big blow. You mentioned feeling a part of you taken from you. It is possible to re-build and you will become stronger for it :hug: Hope this helps :)
 
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