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new here / trying to choose between medication vs just letting it ride

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SoulSpectrum666

Member
Joined
Oct 21, 2018
Messages
7
Location
California
Hi everyone,
I'm dealing with bipolar which is yet "unspecified" because I didn't stick around in therapy long enough to get my full diagnosis... because they wanted to put me on antipsychotics. That was about a year and a half ago - fast forward to now, I've been through SEVERRAL debilitating cycles of depression where I've questioned if I should just go to my regular physician and get on anti-depressants. I've of course heard that's due to make bipolar worse, but I DO NOT want to go back on antipsychotics.
(I'm 31 years old BTW) (so I've grown up dealing with this bipolar and many other issues and coping "okay" and at this point I am wondering what to do because I feel as if I am at an impasse.)

Some other shit has come to light, like the realization that I also am struggling with body dysmorphia (not formally diagnosed but it fits and explains so so much) and that I KEEP having weird obsessive anxious thoughts about how I've burdened people, social anxiety problems, and borderline eating disorder type thoughts have begun to come back in... not to mention how freakin suicidal I can get on about a monthly basis.

Sometimes, I have a VERY hard time believing that 'normal' people live in some 'normal' way other than how I am living. My almost completely 100% staunch BELIEF is that I'm living in the same type of brain everyone else is, but that I just happen to be REALLY PAINFULLY BAD, just SO BAD at dealing with life. In this manner of thinking, seeking medications and intense treatment sounds like a good idea, because if I'm really not coping, and I can get help, I really should.
BUT! Other times, I can accept that this is just how I'm made, and I can do the best I can with how I'm made.... that I AM doing the best I can with how I'm made. And it gives me a sense of pride to be able to go it alone, or take care of myself BY myself, or even to self medicate in one of the various ways I've developed these elaborate coping mechanisms over the years.

There's this thing, this sensation that I am butting up against, which is - at this point - do I actually seek help? Or do I just let this spiral out of control, maybe decide to stop eating, maybe go back to ignoring my mental health and just using those comfortable coping mechanisms I've used for the last ~16-17 years???
The former would "apparently" offer me a better life, but there's this creepiness to me, and a paranoia almost, that this "better life" they're offering me is just this overblown overrated life of being watered down and plugged into normal society. (I'm an artist, that's the key aspect of my identity, and I desperately DON'T want to function in a "normal" society.)
The latter would likely lead to more self isolation, and I'd be guaranteed to continue to have the same ups and downs as I've been having, but I handle them how I want to, and I am in charge of myself that way. And I get to stay safe in the warmth of how I've always lived my life.

Anyone else feel this way? Felt this way? What happened after that? What choices did you make and where did it take you?

Perhaps the paranoid delusion that the psychiatrists are trying to steal my creativity with seroquel and stuff is a bit much, but honestly, it's a HUGE fear to me. I desperately don't want to lose that, and the ONE time I took the stuff, I had nightmares of this drug stealing my soul all day and was basically paralyzed for 24 hours. Any input is useful.
:scared:
Cheers
G
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Hi gilliankeller. The thing that I see as the deciding factor, is the side effects. A drug may give some relief, some help, but they will say you need to take it for your whole life. After awhile, or even right away, there will be side effects.

For example, prozac gave me lupus. I ended up sedentary and in pain, even though I quit the prozac right away. Later, depakote gave me fibromyalgia. More sedentary living. Now my legs have pain from the sedentary lifestyle. I can't sit without pain. And all of this came from psychiatric drugs. Now they have me on lithium, which made me fat and affected my thyroid so that now I have to take thyroid medicine. Last year the lithium started affecting my GI tract severely, so I have cut down the lithium to stop that. Do you see what I mean about side effects ??

So you start out with one set of problems and you trade them in for a whole new set of problems.

And please please don't stop eating. Make your favorite foods and EAT !!

Also, I use to be a good writer. I took courses on writing and long clever sentences would come to me easily. Lithium took writing poetry and short stories away from me.
 
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JoseMaria

Active member
Joined
Oct 12, 2018
Messages
32
Please continue in this way, my friend!
The drugs will only ruin your intellect and creativity.
You are an artists artists were considered crazy before and now too.
That is what produces you depression and anxiety, it is society not your brain.
And antidepressants will not relieve their depression, maybe a therapy or maybe accept and be proud of what you are.
And bipolar disorder of type 2 is much discussed as a true diagnosis, not to say that it is a fallacy to sell useless antidepressants and other types of drugs.
Read this article that will help you with your own written by the most important Psychiatrist in Great Britain: SAGE Journals: Your gateway to world-class journal research
 
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SoulSpectrum666

Member
Joined
Oct 21, 2018
Messages
7
Location
California
@poopydoll HOLY cow, thank you for this....!!! This is exactly the kind of stuff I was worried about but it sounds like you've had a lot of really really unfortunate side effects :( I'm so sorry to hear that those all happened to you. I definitely cannot afford to take those risks if they're even a possibility. Bless you and keep on keeping on <3
this definitely helps as a deciding factor for getting on ANYTHING.
Cheers <3
 
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SoulSpectrum666

Member
Joined
Oct 21, 2018
Messages
7
Location
California
JoseMaria thanks for this...!
I've long wished that I could just be 'allowed' by society to be this weird, bizarre ball of artist brain that I am and not have people try to fix me. I guess maybe it is allowed. haha...
everything you said in your comment is stuff I've been thinking about and not feeling that the world wants to accept.
I also am gonna read this article you linked.
Thank you!
<3
 
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