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New here (struggling with 2019 already)

Screechout

Screechout

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
91
Hello so I've just signed up after a while of looking at this forum, thought i'd sign up myself.

A bit of a backstory of myself I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder in the summer last year after several hospital admissions, I'm currently under a mental health team but unfortunately my care co coordinator left just before xmas so I'm currently waiting for another one which I'm really struggling with especially because I got on well with him and he left very suddenly right as I was being admitted into my local mental health unit.

I had a particular bad night last night (which ended in my mental health team calling the police on me) and I'm still very much struggling with a awful lot going on in my head. I feel like nothing is ever going to get better because my mood swings are very erratic and are very hard to control.

2018 was a very bad year for me unfortunately and I made a lot of mistakes and lost a lot of close friends due to this and if I'm honest I feel still hurt by this loss and rejection, I'm also currently in the process of leaving my job because it's not something I can cope with and my paranoid thoughts and how impulsive I am gets in the way massively with my job. I'm trying my hardest to go into 2019 with a new perspective buy I feel like 3 days in and I've already had the police called on me because of how low I feel. a lot of the time I feel very unheard when I speak about my mood swings because I can't emphasize enough how painful they are and how overwhelming my paranoia is :(

Anyway sorry for having a ramble!
 
Emerald23

Emerald23

Member
Joined
Jan 2, 2019
Messages
7
Hello and welcome!

:welcome: It's great to hear you've decided to join the Mental Health Forum. I, myself have joined just 2 days ago and discovered this wonderful, safe place through extensive searching of the web. I too need somewhere to talk about my issues and vent my feelings and emotions.

Sorry you have been recently diagnosed with BPD like myself. I know how alone, confused and upset you may feel about this, I certainly was.

I've not had the police called on me this past year, but it has happened before when arguing was out of control with my hubby. I literally just couldn't control my emotions, I was like a monster that had emerged from nowhere if you like. I was took to my mother and father in-laws in a police car back then, to diffuse the situation.
I'd kind of put these incidents out of my mind, but reading your interesting post has literally just made me realise yes, I did have the police called out on me for my irrational behaviour. I can now own responsibility for that, and indeed thank you for bringing this to light for me. I'd never felt so comfortable admitting that before. :rolleyes:

I am so sorry you are struggling, I am too at the moment. I hated Christmas (as usual) and don't like the prospect of another difficult new year.
I have a meds review with psychiatry today, Gasterentorology appointment at the hospital tomorrow (awaiting Colonoscopy procedure), I am in severe physical pain, and have just about had enough of life!!!

I have been a miserable, old, moaning cow at home, taking everything out on hubby just because 'he's there'. It's not on, I will lose him if I can't stop my behaviour! I am only happy when sleeping in a dark room, my physical and mental pain only goes away when I sleep. That's what I've pretty much been doing at the moment.
Life is proper s***, I can't even eat what I want because my 'IBD?' won't let me.
I have felt like I've wanted to die lately as I can't go on with the feeling - 'I'm going to explode!'
If it wasn't for my supportive hubby, I would be in the worst place, doing the worst things you could imagine right now - despite this, I still feel so alone. xxx :shrug::scared::eek2:
 
K

KLewisxo

New member
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
3
I know exactly how you feel been diagnosed nearly 4 years now. It's so tough. I know what you mean about the uncontrollable anger though..I can't even put it into words. I have lost most of my 'friends' because I can be impulsive, very upfront and when pissed off at you..rather mean.
My mental health has been at it's worst for about 2 years now and only keeps getting worse so I know exactly how you feel
Are you in therapy? CBT works apparently, I have done it but at the time I was really young & wasnt really as committed as I should've been but I've seen people that have worked hard & rather improved.
Hope you feel better, just be careful with the police..last thing you need is to spend time in a jail cell
Xo
 
Emerald23

Emerald23

Member
Joined
Jan 2, 2019
Messages
7
Thanks KLewisxo

Thanks for your support and kindness and nice to meet you.
I have been to CBT, Psychological therapy (due to enduring childhood sexual abuse by my father - I won't go into more detail than that on here, don't think I'm allowed.), EMDR to help with flashbacks (thankfully it has helped somewhat) and I'm still a mess!!
CBT is ok, but not invasive enough a therapy for me.
I am with psychiatry, trying to sort an appropriate mood medication and have an outreach worker, she is lovely to me.
I never want to be in that police situation again, thankfully it hasn't happened for a good 5 years now, but I still have these outbursts. I never wanted to be like this, no one does. A lot of it is to do with emotional neglect on my parents' behalf. x :low:
 
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