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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

New here (struggling with 2019 already)

Screechout

Screechout

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
94
Hello so I've just signed up after a while of looking at this forum, thought i'd sign up myself.

A bit of a backstory of myself I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder in the summer last year after several hospital admissions, I'm currently under a mental health team but unfortunately my care co coordinator left just before xmas so I'm currently waiting for another one which I'm really struggling with especially because I got on well with him and he left very suddenly right as I was being admitted into my local mental health unit.

I had a particular bad night last night (which ended in my mental health team calling the police on me) and I'm still very much struggling with a awful lot going on in my head. I feel like nothing is ever going to get better because my mood swings are very erratic and are very hard to control.

2018 was a very bad year for me unfortunately and I made a lot of mistakes and lost a lot of close friends due to this and if I'm honest I feel still hurt by this loss and rejection, I'm also currently in the process of leaving my job because it's not something I can cope with and my paranoid thoughts and how impulsive I am gets in the way massively with my job. I'm trying my hardest to go into 2019 with a new perspective buy I feel like 3 days in and I've already had the police called on me because of how low I feel. a lot of the time I feel very unheard when I speak about my mood swings because I can't emphasize enough how painful they are and how overwhelming my paranoia is :(

Anyway sorry for having a ramble!
 
Emerald23

Emerald23

Member
Joined
Jan 2, 2019
Messages
7
Hello and welcome!

:welcome: It's great to hear you've decided to join the Mental Health Forum. I, myself have joined just 2 days ago and discovered this wonderful, safe place through extensive searching of the web. I too need somewhere to talk about my issues and vent my feelings and emotions.

Sorry you have been recently diagnosed with BPD like myself. I know how alone, confused and upset you may feel about this, I certainly was.

I've not had the police called on me this past year, but it has happened before when arguing was out of control with my hubby. I literally just couldn't control my emotions, I was like a monster that had emerged from nowhere if you like. I was took to my mother and father in-laws in a police car back then, to diffuse the situation.
I'd kind of put these incidents out of my mind, but reading your interesting post has literally just made me realise yes, I did have the police called out on me for my irrational behaviour. I can now own responsibility for that, and indeed thank you for bringing this to light for me. I'd never felt so comfortable admitting that before. :rolleyes:

I am so sorry you are struggling, I am too at the moment. I hated Christmas (as usual) and don't like the prospect of another difficult new year.
I have a meds review with psychiatry today, Gasterentorology appointment at the hospital tomorrow (awaiting Colonoscopy procedure), I am in severe physical pain, and have just about had enough of life!!!

I have been a miserable, old, moaning cow at home, taking everything out on hubby just because 'he's there'. It's not on, I will lose him if I can't stop my behaviour! I am only happy when sleeping in a dark room, my physical and mental pain only goes away when I sleep. That's what I've pretty much been doing at the moment.
Life is proper s***, I can't even eat what I want because my 'IBD?' won't let me.
I have felt like I've wanted to die lately as I can't go on with the feeling - 'I'm going to explode!'
If it wasn't for my supportive hubby, I would be in the worst place, doing the worst things you could imagine right now - despite this, I still feel so alone. xxx :shrug::scared::eek2:
 
K

KLewisxo

New member
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
3
I know exactly how you feel been diagnosed nearly 4 years now. It's so tough. I know what you mean about the uncontrollable anger though..I can't even put it into words. I have lost most of my 'friends' because I can be impulsive, very upfront and when pissed off at you..rather mean.
My mental health has been at it's worst for about 2 years now and only keeps getting worse so I know exactly how you feel
Are you in therapy? CBT works apparently, I have done it but at the time I was really young & wasnt really as committed as I should've been but I've seen people that have worked hard & rather improved.
Hope you feel better, just be careful with the police..last thing you need is to spend time in a jail cell
Xo
 
Emerald23

Emerald23

Member
Joined
Jan 2, 2019
Messages
7
Thanks KLewisxo

Thanks for your support and kindness and nice to meet you.
I have been to CBT, Psychological therapy (due to enduring childhood sexual abuse by my father - I won't go into more detail than that on here, don't think I'm allowed.), EMDR to help with flashbacks (thankfully it has helped somewhat) and I'm still a mess!!
CBT is ok, but not invasive enough a therapy for me.
I am with psychiatry, trying to sort an appropriate mood medication and have an outreach worker, she is lovely to me.
I never want to be in that police situation again, thankfully it hasn't happened for a good 5 years now, but I still have these outbursts. I never wanted to be like this, no one does. A lot of it is to do with emotional neglect on my parents' behalf. x :low:
 
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