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New here, not really sure what I'm doing



Oct 29, 2020
Wales, uk
Hey, might be a little long, sorry, its difficult to get this out so gonna try and dump it all at once.
Like the title says not really sure what I'm doing.
Been on different meds for depression and anxiety for a few years, tried different counselling. Nothing seems to work. Self harming since early teens, generally without the intention of suicide, saw it more to punish myself for things I've done.
My mother has been ill most of my life, with M.E, father and mother spilt when I was young, my mother moved me and my older brother and sister to Wales and her health decreased. I was the last one to live with her, to care for her. Last year she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and passed a few months later.
The weird thing is I've been numb for years, apathetic, emotionally distant from everyone. I cried once when she past, and was back in work the next day. Since then I know I haven't been myself. More than normal. I was always afraid to take medication because of the horror stories about feeling like this. And no matter what they give me or the strength I feel the same. I have no drive to anything, everything just seems pointless, I've had no sex drive in over a year, which my new partner, while she is understanding, is obviously affected. There's not much of a relationship there for her. She's been with me through everything with my mother and I feel like I can't give her what she needs. I stopped drinking, stopped using drugs when I got with her because when I did I would crash, self harm. But the only time I feel any emotion is when I'm drunk or high. Can sometimes feel it under the surface, just when it feels like it's about the break through it disappears and I'm numb again.
Gueas that's it for now, thanks for reading if you did, never been good at the emotional things.


May 25, 2020
Hello and welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us.


Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
May 14, 2020
Hi RandomSkipio and welcome to forum. You did a good job sharing your experience and emotions with us.
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