New here , need urgent advice



Mar 10, 2019
Hello, first time posting here, don't really know how it works, please excuse my grammar , English isn't my first language , it's pretty long but I really need help.

I've always had an issue with obsessive thinking and anxiety, I have experienced trauma from sexual abuse and abuse in my past which still bothers me to this day , I live in a small city where I have no access to any form of proper therapy or help.

A couple of months ago I had a wet dream about another man which woke me up filled with dread , I'm currently dating the love of my life , my husband who I care about very much , but since that dream I've had extreme intrusive thoughts about not loving him ,cheating on him , things not working out and it keeps me awake And causes me a lot of distress, i know I will never leave this man , I hate having these thoughts.

I've always been a very anxious person , before experiencing rocd I was extremely afraid of the apocalypse and the end of the world and everything related to religion , I have gotten over that with the help of my boyfriend, it hurts me so much when I get intrusive thoughts telling me that I don't love him and horrible horrible thoughts which cause panic attacks and feelings of dread , I can't help but constantly feel repulsed , I've dealt with graphic images and sexual intrusive thoughts about other men that started from the moment i woke up. I can't cope with the feeling of dread, I really do not want to lose him, I know I love him with all of my heart.

What I'm currently struggling with is the thought of me being gay , it just suddenly came into my head one day , the only connection I've had to women before was due to sexual abuse I experienced when I was a child, I have tried convincing myself I might be bi or gay to cope with my trauma, I love my boyfriend extremely , it makes me sick and scared when I get images with women , I fear that I act gay and I avoid looking at women , it's like my brain is trying to convince me I am gay when I'm in a relationship with a man , I just can't cope with the feeling of repulsion and dread, it's extremely severe and it makes me suicidal, it keeps me from sleeping or functioning properly, I can barely function and I can't handle the guilt , it feels so real and I can't stop it, I get thoughts and visuals about hurting myself or saying horrific things to my loved ones , it's been going on for months and months I just want a break , I would get panic attacks daily and it would be very exhausting , but as time went on i got more used to them, I just really need some advice on how to cope. Specifically with the feelings of constant dread ,anxiety and repulsion.Thank you
Last edited by a moderator: