New here , need urgent advice

Laurels

Laurels

Member
Joined
Mar 10, 2019
Messages
15
Location
Romania
#1
Hello, first time posting here, don't really know how it works, please excuse my grammar , English isn't my first language , it's pretty long but I really need help.

I've always had an issue with obsessive thinking and anxiety, I have experienced trauma from sexual abuse and abuse in my past which still bothers me to this day , I live in a small city where I have no access to any form of proper therapy or help.

A couple of months ago I had a wet dream about another man which woke me up filled with dread , I'm currently dating the love of my life , my husband who I care about very much , but since that dream I've had extreme intrusive thoughts about not loving him ,cheating on him , things not working out and it keeps me awake And causes me a lot of distress, i know I will never leave this man , I hate having these thoughts.

I've always been a very anxious person , before experiencing rocd I was extremely afraid of the apocalypse and the end of the world and everything related to religion , I have gotten over that with the help of my boyfriend, it hurts me so much when I get intrusive thoughts telling me that I don't love him and horrible horrible thoughts which cause panic attacks and feelings of dread , I can't help but constantly feel repulsed , I've dealt with graphic images and sexual intrusive thoughts about other men that started from the moment i woke up. I can't cope with the feeling of dread, I really do not want to lose him, I know I love him with all of my heart.

What I'm currently struggling with is the thought of me being gay , it just suddenly came into my head one day , the only connection I've had to women before was due to sexual abuse I experienced when I was a child, I have tried convincing myself I might be bi or gay to cope with my trauma, I love my boyfriend extremely , it makes me sick and scared when I get images with women , I fear that I act gay and I avoid looking at women , it's like my brain is trying to convince me I am gay when I'm in a relationship with a man , I just can't cope with the feeling of repulsion and dread, it's extremely severe and it makes me suicidal, it keeps me from sleeping or functioning properly, I can barely function and I can't handle the guilt , it feels so real and I can't stop it, I get thoughts and visuals about hurting myself or saying horrific things to my loved ones , it's been going on for months and months I just want a break , I would get panic attacks daily and it would be very exhausting , but as time went on i got more used to them, I just really need some advice on how to cope. Specifically with the feelings of constant dread ,anxiety and repulsion.Thank you
 
Last edited by a moderator:
P

possiblebpd

Active member
Joined
Jan 14, 2016
Messages
26
#3
You definitely have OCD. I would reccomend serious help from a therapist, it there is a lot of info online that can help too.
I also have OCD and have struggled with similar things, the best advice I received from an expert was to just let your thoughts happen, do not analyse your thoughts. I know you get a huge amount of anxiety when you try and ignore them initialy but TRUST me if you continue to just let the thoughts happen and ignore them it WILL get better. the fact you find them uncomfortable and upsetting means it’s ocd and not actually what you think and feel. Good luck and please understand SOO many people are going through the same thing as you and your NOT a bad person. In fact your probably a very good person and that’s why you find the thoughts uncomfortable. That’s what leading experts say. :)))
 
P

possiblebpd

Active member
Joined
Jan 14, 2016
Messages
26
#4
Also do not entertain, try respond, understand or figure out your bad thoughts!
 
T

Tomorrows a new day

Well-known member
Joined
May 2, 2019
Messages
155
Location
England
#5
Hi, firstly i would say you've been through a traumatic experience and this has left it's mark on you. You sound confused and no wonder with what has happened to you, therapy is needed here so you can process your thoughts and get guidance. Ask yourself if you deserve to feel the way you do or is this because of what happened to you, get help there is light ahead
 
F

fresa

Member
Joined
May 5, 2019
Messages
6
Location
United Kingdom (UK)
#6
I totally recommend swet chestnut and white chestnut Bach flowers 6 drops every day or 6 drops when you have this thoughts they work with thoughts and feelings x
 
P

possiblebpd

Active member
Joined
Jan 14, 2016
Messages
26
#7
Yes I also agree with the other commenters. The abuse you suffered (which was not your fault) as a youngster will probably have something to do with the problems you are having. I recommend you get professional help.