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New here..My story...

MariahGirl

MariahGirl

New member
Joined
Oct 22, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Canada
Hello everyone. This is my first time signing up to one of these forums. I hope this doesn't come across in the wrong way but, I never thought I would. No one would ever look at me and think I was battling with my mental state daily (well maybe they would now) but I just feel things getting worse. I'm 35 and I'm a Fitness Class instructor and Personal Trainer. I work in a very public spot with lots of human traffic daily. I find it mentally exhausting to be around people everyday that it's become a constant battle and I'm depressed and anxious and overwhelmed at the thought of having to go into work tomorrow. In the last month I've had to leave work twice and called in sick because I was a wreck (depressed, uncontrollable crying, irritability, angry, exhausted and just about every negative emotion known to man) My job is my dream job and I worked very hard to get this job and in my small town,I`m lucky to have something that I am passionate about. But my extreme moods are ruining my life and Im afraid I`m going to quit, freak out, lose it, just fly off the deep end) I have 2 moods at this point- Wired and tired, cant sleep or stay asleep and go days with 3-4 broken hours of sleep, a million thoughts coming in at once, nervous, irritable, usually saying things I get embarrassed about, can`t concentrate and remember anything, feel sensitive to sounds and light, on the verge of rage and feel so overwhelmed and stressed out. Or depressed, sleeping, crying, still irritable and agitated but my mind isn't running out of control and I can sleep better. The most stressful thing for me at this moment is work because I work in a very busy, noisy, public facility and it`s taking everything in my whole being to make myself go. Being around people is the most challenging thing and it makes me so depressed to think I have to be around people. I feel like at any moment I`m going to break down and cry (and sometimes I do) or freak out and lose my cool because everyone bothers me and if someone even looks at me, it makes me want to rage. Everyday seems to feel worse and worse and I cant seem to find happiness with anything. I exercise daily (i`m in the fitness industry) teaching classes and training people and it`s so incredibly hard to stay positive and fake happy when I`m feeling the complete opposite. I have an appointment with a doctor in a few weeks and like every other doc I`ve seen in the past I know he will want me on meds for depression, anxiety, bipolar or whatever the hell he will diagnose with me with this time. Ive been on meds several times in the past when I was diagnosed with Bipolar in my 20`s and depression my whole life and had nothing but bull shit side effects and got fat which made me more depressed) For the last several years I`ve used exercise, weight training, eating healthy, not smoking, drinking or doing drugs and living my healthiest life to help me stay med free and it worked for a while but now working at this job (ive been here since last December) I`ve noticed I`m feeling terrible. And it sucks because I don`t hate my job and don`t want to lose it but my mental state absolutely disagrees with it and is making it almost impossible to cope. I`m rambling, not sure what I`m looking for here...maybe someone to relate, stories, advice, thoughts...anything.
Thanks for listening
 
G

grentthealien

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 6, 2019
Messages
78
Location
Canada
I can relate a bit in the sense that what you’re describing is probably one of my nightmares. That and I also have Aspergers so naturally I am highly sensitive to the environments I’m in and people I spend time with. I get a sensory overload if that’s what you’d call it. Stuff like simply having to hear the beeping of a cash register for hours on end as it fades into the endless chatter and movement of grocery shoppers would be an example of something that would send me off the deep end. I of course am not too fond of people as well as I struggle to relate to a lot of people.

It’s great that you are into fitness it really is a positive thing. Of course that alone simply isn’t enough to make one happy and fulfilled. I’d consider trying meds again if you feel up to it and if you experience any unwanted side effects getting off them and perhaps trying to supplement with vitamins instead if you aren’t already doing that. We do live in a drug happy society that doesn’t take prescribed medications as seriously as they should so I can understand wanting to find a way to be without them.

My biggest question is what is it about people that irritates you so much? You mention them bothering you to the point that if one looks at you it fills you with rage. Do you know why that is? Because if not perhaps it’s worth examining that on your own or with a therapist.
 
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