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New Here, I need Help

Canadian74

Canadian74

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Joined
Apr 21, 2020
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5
Location
Ontario Canada
I was diagnosed in 2012 with bipolar disorder type 2 and a few other things but bipolar is the major portion. My medication has been balanced for years and for the most part I have been fairly stable until last year. Last year my son tried to commit suicide almost two handfuls of times that we know of. At first I thought that I was unraveling as a dad almost losing his son, but now I know that my manic has been keeping me going. In October last year my spending went crazy and I charged up two credit cards, I thought that this was under control but recently it flared up again. Is this normal to have several rapid manic cycles while going through a crisis?

This last spending spree I spent $500 that I shouldn't have and hid it from my wife, I know that this is poor behaviour and looking back I don't know how I got here. My marriage is strained and may not pull through this, I'm so lonely and want to drink or just end it. I wouldn't say that I want to actively kill myself I just want all this crap to be done and that is a solution, kinda messed up isn't it? I have almost six years sobriety and drinking is all of a sudden back on my mind, why now?

I love my wife very much but the relationship is strained and we are in a horrible spot, my anxiety is telling me that there is no hope. We are hardly intimate anymore and this rejection is only compounding how lonely I feel.

Sorry if my first post was a bit much but I'm drowning and can't handle this alone any more.
 
A

anonyman

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Apr 21, 2020
Messages
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Location
Boston
I can’t help, but I can relate.

how well does your spouse handle your condition? Is it swept under the rug and ignored? Or do you guys keep an eye on it?

I definitely relate to the despair. I’m feeling it right now. I hope you get through it too.
 
Canadian74

Canadian74

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Joined
Apr 21, 2020
Messages
5
Location
Ontario Canada
Thank you for reaching out and relating.

The answer about my wife is yes and no. Our son also has recently been diagnosed with bipolar type 2 and with him she shows the most wonderful love and support, with me I have been told to hold it together or grow up. Those words hurt.

I saw some warning signs that these manic episodes were coming but with my son needing my attention more I ignored them.

Today I slumped in to a depressive episode and spent the later part of the day in bed. When I woke up I was still feeling off so I tried sitting down with some hobbies but had zero interest so I have taken some sleeping pills and I'm waiting for them to kick in.
 
A

anonyman

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Apr 21, 2020
Messages
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Location
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I’ve definitely been there. I was diagnosed young. Lots of support when I was young. As I got older the support wasn’t really there. I get treated as if I’m stupid or childish many times. And I can’t really say much because when I get manic I do tend to do stupid and childish things. But I know that’s not really me. It’s not me at my heat at least.

I know what you mean about needing to be strong so you ignore your own symptoms.

I remember something I was taught That I’llshare with you. Sometimes the most selfless thing you can do is take care of yourself first. If you’re not at your best, you’re of no use to anyone. I know it’s easier said than done. But it’s a decently realistic goal. Take care of your mental health first so you can be better for your son and wife.

rejection really does hurt. Have you considered marriage counseling? I’m sure you have a lot you want to say to her but can’t because the timing always feels wrong. Marriage counseling is a good time to try and work through those things.

I hope I’m not making matters worse with unsolicited advice. Just tryina help. I definitely relate to your struggle. I’ve been there many times. Working through some things myself.
 
Canadian74

Canadian74

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Joined
Apr 21, 2020
Messages
5
Location
Ontario Canada
I was diagnosed later in life, years after being married and having children, I can say that being undiagnosed added to the factors impacting my marriage now.

You sharing about taking care of myself first is something that I actually knew, I just got caught up in the moment of everything and the train derailed.

Thank you for the advice and kind words.
 
Canadian74

Canadian74

Member
Joined
Apr 21, 2020
Messages
5
Location
Ontario Canada
@anonyman , do you have a recommendation for a good bipolar community site. I looked around this one and most posts have been read many many times but the response rates are pretty low. I want to belong to a community not have a bunch of lurkers reading my stuff.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Hi,
I'm so sorry for how you feel.
I do hope you'll give the forum another chance, we have some very understanding members here, who truly know what's it's like to be ill.
Please do take care of yourself, you deserve support to.
Hugs
 
Canadian74

Canadian74

Member
Joined
Apr 21, 2020
Messages
5
Location
Ontario Canada
Thank you @Mayflower7 . What I am really looking for is a place of support, both given and received. Bipolar is cyclical and when members are feeling down we pick them up with words of encouragement and love. When we are feeling stronger then we lend some strength to others who need it. A place of acceptance and understanding, this is what I am looking for, I truly hope to find this place because right now my pain of loneliness is excruciating.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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I do hope we can be a support system for you.
 
Bluejay7500

Bluejay7500

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Apr 10, 2020
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6,978
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planet earth
I've been struggling with bipolar mania as well. I started out with schizophrenia. My relationships are too strained but I've been working on them. I see that you've been working hard with a lot of things. Give yourself the credit you need and take a deep breath. Try to think of other things. I also struggle with soberity. I just dont feel right either way. And I'm sry to hear of your son.
 
SilSten

SilSten

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Joined
Apr 11, 2020
Messages
23
Location
Norway
I can relate. Especially to the part about your strained marriage. I've had it the same way for months, and a few weeks ago my husband told me that he wants a divorce. He struggles with handling my bipolar. It hurts like hell. I really wish he would try marriage counselling. I wish he would fight for "us". Have you considered this? Do you think your wife would be willing to give it a try?

I also have days where I feel lonely, and have a drink just to numb the "pain".

You write that you "don't actively want to kill yourself but you want the crap to be gone." That hit home.. Wish I could fast forward life. Because I am certain that I will get through this. And you will too, whichever way it goes :) You can reach out to me on DM if/when you want to. My response rate is pretty good ;)
 
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