A
aloneandlostman50
Member
Am I alone in my story?
Hello everybody, writing this is so hard. I’ve re-visited it, re-written it, and deleted it so many times only to start again. Feeling it’s pointless now after explaining to so many counsellors and doctors over the last 15 years +, I’m completely lost. So much has happened and it’s impossible for me to even contemplate that anything could now change for me. Memories and dreams haunt every moment of my every day. Here’s my last email to my doctor at my GP surgery last month. Very disjointed as I struggle to say what I want to.
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I apologise for the many missed phone calls from the surgery. I’ve only seen the missed calls days after as I’m mostly 23hrs a day in bed and have been since before Christmas and after leaving my job January, only getting up now to go to the bathroom and occasionally to a shop when I can manage it.
I’m so tired and sleepy all of the time and no amount of rest helps. I can be in bed all day every day eventually to fall to sleep and wake feeling so tired and lethargic to repeat the day time after time is awful with upsetting dreams. My sleep cycle is and has been for a long time completely out of what is normal with maybe 2 hours maximum sleep naps then waking frightened after such vivid upsetting dreams. Often 2am or 4am in the middle of the night is morning for me, to have a cup of tea and stare at the TV or out of the window for 20 minutes and then feeling so tired it’s back to bed and the cycle repeats. The normality of mornings and nights and 8 hours sleep is a long time in the past for me. Feeling so low with no interest in anything or life and a fear of walking out of the front door or even talking to anybody has been building for a long time at work and I forced myself for so long; for 15 years. My suicide attempts being in and out of hospital for years I have constant feelings of hoping to die in my sleep. I can’t even face now getting dressed to go to a shop for food anymore and I go for days without food or electric and just sleep or lie down with my eyes closed. Not because I’ve got no money but because I just can’t bring myself to do it and prefer to close my eyes and sleep erasing things. I am completely alone with not a single friend/human to physically see and interact with on a regular basis. I’ve pushed everyone away, they just didn’t understand.
I resigned my job early January and since I’ve not seen anybody and could have died and nobody would have known for months and months, possibly years as there’s nobody in my life; absolutely nobody. I don’t want to see anyone anymore and avoid contact with people at all costs.
Every day is such a struggle, I feel so embarrassed to talk to you or anybody and prefer instead to stay at home and sleep. I tried so hard. I asked you to admit/refer me back to the psychiatric hospital and you did. But they were awful and turned me away in their incredulity after I tried to explain how bad things were for me. They did arrange a home help nurse. Who eventually came and was equally awful shouting at me on the phone as I’d missed two previous phone calls from them. Turning up eventually after them not turning up for 3 previous appointments she said, ‘tidy up, and get yourself some expensive clothes to make you feel better’. ‘Here’s some leaflets but we can’t come again because of the lifts in your flat. You can’t expect nurses to come up in these lifts every time’. That was the last time that I heard from them before I resigned at the school.
This work (school) inset day January 2020 after Christmas being completely isolated again was too much. I slept through the entire two week Christmas holiday alone again and Christmas day alone I woke up, sat down in the kitchen alone and cried going back to bed. I’ve only left the flat a handful of times since just to get some food or attend an appointment at the job centre to try survive. Those appointments I get in such a state with and ill counting down the days before, and after attending feeling so lost and pathetic weeks pass in bed trying to forget and calm down. Then another scheduled appointment is automatically made by the job centre/department for work and pensions on the online account and I’m expected to constantly check and adhere to. I’ve got another coming and already I’m panicking and know that I won’t attend. Then the emails come through making the whole thing worse for me and so it continues. I can’t do it and days before I feel so worked up and panicked making me feel so ill.
Doing this alone I’ve tried to do the best that I can remove all stressful things in my life and forget. The job has now gone. I loved it so much, was so valued and worked so hard through the divorce and loss of the family and kids twice now and want to be left alone. Debts, car loan, child support, council rent and job centre requirements etc. quickly have followed and have made things worse. My sink was blocked and I ordered online a sink plunger. It didn’t arrive on time and I got myself into a state for days of what I was going to do and lying in bed waiting for the door to knock for days I wet myself in bed too frightened to leave the bedroom to walk to the bathroom in case the door knocked.
Overwhelmed at work and feeling emotional and panicking every single day for years waiting for my wife and kids to come back to me. I took lots of sick days off to get my head straight and upset a lot of colleagues with mood swings and lost their respect with them not understanding. The more time I had off the more I struggled. Crying uncontrollably for days at a time in school and at home I was unable to get to work and for the past two years unable to sleep I was turning up for work at 6:15-6:30am letting myself in and setting off the school alarms. I’d leave school at 3pm, drive home and be in bed for 3:30pm. My appetite is non-existent not eating for days or the complete opposite and I can’t eat enough and feel so guilty about eating. Unable to sleep I mostly drift off 2-3am and wake a few hours later feeling nauseous. I plucked up the courage to see you but it was and is so difficult to leave the front door and to meet and talk to anybody. I don’t understand any of it and I feel so frightened. Bathing regularly now and brushing my teeth is such a chore. I’m aware of all this but I can’t control myself and my thoughts. I can put the immersion heater on every day intending to have a bath but I can’t bring myself to actually having a bath and just curl up in bed instead. I lose days and weeks in bed having a cup of tea in the morning for 20 minutes but then going back to bed until the next day and it repeats.
I’ve been unable to explain the crippling depression and anxiety I feel and have felt for so long. And panics every day doing anything normal people do daily, as I used to do myself in my 30’s, I haven’t been able to do for a long time and I lost my job and family again. I lost everything ten years ago with an unwanted divorce, wife, job, home and kids; and then again 6 years ago with a second unwanted divorce losing my 10 month old son and family and home and job. Universal Credit/DWP to attend work interviews have accepted there’s no way that I can do it. Being forced into it to survive/stay alive financially I would choose not to and withdraw further and wait for a decline and death to end the pain. My most recent separation 6 years ago losing my family and kids again with my partner having an affair I’ve never recovered from, and the sooner I can gradually quietly wither without the stress of nobody understanding, the better. I’m happy with that and have provided for my daughter in a new will.
Pills haven’t helped over the years. Citalopram, Sertraline, Fluoxetine, Venlafaxine, Mirtazapine, etc with all I just sank deeper and lost everything that was dear to me with by behaviour and withdrawal from society, family life, work and normal living.
For a long time I have hoped, and this may upset some people, that I would quickly die from cancer or something; to end the pain of loneliness. Having severe depression, anxiety and being so lost and utterly isolated with no family or friends is not a life and this Coronavirus is almost god sent for me personally to get out quickly, a clause for me. Never exposing myself as being harmful to others as I must be the most isolated of us all; I do hope though that in a shop picking up a loaf of bread already contaminated will help me and me alone.
I was 50 last week and it was just like every other nightmare day. Not a single card, text, email, nothing. It’s an awful place to be to be lonely and without love.
I live in Dudley, West Midlands, UK; and if anybody can relate to any of this maybe we could talk and form a friendship. Kindest regards. Me.
Hello everybody, writing this is so hard. I’ve re-visited it, re-written it, and deleted it so many times only to start again. Feeling it’s pointless now after explaining to so many counsellors and doctors over the last 15 years +, I’m completely lost. So much has happened and it’s impossible for me to even contemplate that anything could now change for me. Memories and dreams haunt every moment of my every day. Here’s my last email to my doctor at my GP surgery last month. Very disjointed as I struggle to say what I want to.
-----
I apologise for the many missed phone calls from the surgery. I’ve only seen the missed calls days after as I’m mostly 23hrs a day in bed and have been since before Christmas and after leaving my job January, only getting up now to go to the bathroom and occasionally to a shop when I can manage it.
I’m so tired and sleepy all of the time and no amount of rest helps. I can be in bed all day every day eventually to fall to sleep and wake feeling so tired and lethargic to repeat the day time after time is awful with upsetting dreams. My sleep cycle is and has been for a long time completely out of what is normal with maybe 2 hours maximum sleep naps then waking frightened after such vivid upsetting dreams. Often 2am or 4am in the middle of the night is morning for me, to have a cup of tea and stare at the TV or out of the window for 20 minutes and then feeling so tired it’s back to bed and the cycle repeats. The normality of mornings and nights and 8 hours sleep is a long time in the past for me. Feeling so low with no interest in anything or life and a fear of walking out of the front door or even talking to anybody has been building for a long time at work and I forced myself for so long; for 15 years. My suicide attempts being in and out of hospital for years I have constant feelings of hoping to die in my sleep. I can’t even face now getting dressed to go to a shop for food anymore and I go for days without food or electric and just sleep or lie down with my eyes closed. Not because I’ve got no money but because I just can’t bring myself to do it and prefer to close my eyes and sleep erasing things. I am completely alone with not a single friend/human to physically see and interact with on a regular basis. I’ve pushed everyone away, they just didn’t understand.
I resigned my job early January and since I’ve not seen anybody and could have died and nobody would have known for months and months, possibly years as there’s nobody in my life; absolutely nobody. I don’t want to see anyone anymore and avoid contact with people at all costs.
Every day is such a struggle, I feel so embarrassed to talk to you or anybody and prefer instead to stay at home and sleep. I tried so hard. I asked you to admit/refer me back to the psychiatric hospital and you did. But they were awful and turned me away in their incredulity after I tried to explain how bad things were for me. They did arrange a home help nurse. Who eventually came and was equally awful shouting at me on the phone as I’d missed two previous phone calls from them. Turning up eventually after them not turning up for 3 previous appointments she said, ‘tidy up, and get yourself some expensive clothes to make you feel better’. ‘Here’s some leaflets but we can’t come again because of the lifts in your flat. You can’t expect nurses to come up in these lifts every time’. That was the last time that I heard from them before I resigned at the school.
This work (school) inset day January 2020 after Christmas being completely isolated again was too much. I slept through the entire two week Christmas holiday alone again and Christmas day alone I woke up, sat down in the kitchen alone and cried going back to bed. I’ve only left the flat a handful of times since just to get some food or attend an appointment at the job centre to try survive. Those appointments I get in such a state with and ill counting down the days before, and after attending feeling so lost and pathetic weeks pass in bed trying to forget and calm down. Then another scheduled appointment is automatically made by the job centre/department for work and pensions on the online account and I’m expected to constantly check and adhere to. I’ve got another coming and already I’m panicking and know that I won’t attend. Then the emails come through making the whole thing worse for me and so it continues. I can’t do it and days before I feel so worked up and panicked making me feel so ill.
Doing this alone I’ve tried to do the best that I can remove all stressful things in my life and forget. The job has now gone. I loved it so much, was so valued and worked so hard through the divorce and loss of the family and kids twice now and want to be left alone. Debts, car loan, child support, council rent and job centre requirements etc. quickly have followed and have made things worse. My sink was blocked and I ordered online a sink plunger. It didn’t arrive on time and I got myself into a state for days of what I was going to do and lying in bed waiting for the door to knock for days I wet myself in bed too frightened to leave the bedroom to walk to the bathroom in case the door knocked.
Overwhelmed at work and feeling emotional and panicking every single day for years waiting for my wife and kids to come back to me. I took lots of sick days off to get my head straight and upset a lot of colleagues with mood swings and lost their respect with them not understanding. The more time I had off the more I struggled. Crying uncontrollably for days at a time in school and at home I was unable to get to work and for the past two years unable to sleep I was turning up for work at 6:15-6:30am letting myself in and setting off the school alarms. I’d leave school at 3pm, drive home and be in bed for 3:30pm. My appetite is non-existent not eating for days or the complete opposite and I can’t eat enough and feel so guilty about eating. Unable to sleep I mostly drift off 2-3am and wake a few hours later feeling nauseous. I plucked up the courage to see you but it was and is so difficult to leave the front door and to meet and talk to anybody. I don’t understand any of it and I feel so frightened. Bathing regularly now and brushing my teeth is such a chore. I’m aware of all this but I can’t control myself and my thoughts. I can put the immersion heater on every day intending to have a bath but I can’t bring myself to actually having a bath and just curl up in bed instead. I lose days and weeks in bed having a cup of tea in the morning for 20 minutes but then going back to bed until the next day and it repeats.
I’ve been unable to explain the crippling depression and anxiety I feel and have felt for so long. And panics every day doing anything normal people do daily, as I used to do myself in my 30’s, I haven’t been able to do for a long time and I lost my job and family again. I lost everything ten years ago with an unwanted divorce, wife, job, home and kids; and then again 6 years ago with a second unwanted divorce losing my 10 month old son and family and home and job. Universal Credit/DWP to attend work interviews have accepted there’s no way that I can do it. Being forced into it to survive/stay alive financially I would choose not to and withdraw further and wait for a decline and death to end the pain. My most recent separation 6 years ago losing my family and kids again with my partner having an affair I’ve never recovered from, and the sooner I can gradually quietly wither without the stress of nobody understanding, the better. I’m happy with that and have provided for my daughter in a new will.
Pills haven’t helped over the years. Citalopram, Sertraline, Fluoxetine, Venlafaxine, Mirtazapine, etc with all I just sank deeper and lost everything that was dear to me with by behaviour and withdrawal from society, family life, work and normal living.
For a long time I have hoped, and this may upset some people, that I would quickly die from cancer or something; to end the pain of loneliness. Having severe depression, anxiety and being so lost and utterly isolated with no family or friends is not a life and this Coronavirus is almost god sent for me personally to get out quickly, a clause for me. Never exposing myself as being harmful to others as I must be the most isolated of us all; I do hope though that in a shop picking up a loaf of bread already contaminated will help me and me alone.
I was 50 last week and it was just like every other nightmare day. Not a single card, text, email, nothing. It’s an awful place to be to be lonely and without love.
I live in Dudley, West Midlands, UK; and if anybody can relate to any of this maybe we could talk and form a friendship. Kindest regards. Me.
