New here, first post. Really really struggling alone in my story.

[aloneandlostman50]

Am I alone in my story?

Hello everybody, writing this is so hard. I’ve re-visited it, re-written it, and deleted it so many times only to start again. Feeling it’s pointless now after explaining to so many counsellors and doctors over the last 15 years +, I’m completely lost. So much has happened and it’s impossible for me to even contemplate that anything could now change for me. Memories and dreams haunt every moment of my every day. Here’s my last email to my doctor at my GP surgery last month. Very disjointed as I struggle to say what I want to.

-----

I apologise for the many missed phone calls from the surgery. I’ve only seen the missed calls days after as I’m mostly 23hrs a day in bed and have been since before Christmas and after leaving my job January, only getting up now to go to the bathroom and occasionally to a shop when I can manage it.

I’m so tired and sleepy all of the time and no amount of rest helps. I can be in bed all day every day eventually to fall to sleep and wake feeling so tired and lethargic to repeat the day time after time is awful with upsetting dreams. My sleep cycle is and has been for a long time completely out of what is normal with maybe 2 hours maximum sleep naps then waking frightened after such vivid upsetting dreams. Often 2am or 4am in the middle of the night is morning for me, to have a cup of tea and stare at the TV or out of the window for 20 minutes and then feeling so tired it’s back to bed and the cycle repeats. The normality of mornings and nights and 8 hours sleep is a long time in the past for me. Feeling so low with no interest in anything or life and a fear of walking out of the front door or even talking to anybody has been building for a long time at work and I forced myself for so long; for 15 years. My suicide attempts being in and out of hospital for years I have constant feelings of hoping to die in my sleep. I can’t even face now getting dressed to go to a shop for food anymore and I go for days without food or electric and just sleep or lie down with my eyes closed. Not because I’ve got no money but because I just can’t bring myself to do it and prefer to close my eyes and sleep erasing things. I am completely alone with not a single friend/human to physically see and interact with on a regular basis. I’ve pushed everyone away, they just didn’t understand.

I resigned my job early January and since I’ve not seen anybody and could have died and nobody would have known for months and months, possibly years as there’s nobody in my life; absolutely nobody. I don’t want to see anyone anymore and avoid contact with people at all costs.

Every day is such a struggle, I feel so embarrassed to talk to you or anybody and prefer instead to stay at home and sleep. I tried so hard. I asked you to admit/refer me back to the psychiatric hospital and you did. But they were awful and turned me away in their incredulity after I tried to explain how bad things were for me. They did arrange a home help nurse. Who eventually came and was equally awful shouting at me on the phone as I’d missed two previous phone calls from them. Turning up eventually after them not turning up for 3 previous appointments she said, ‘tidy up, and get yourself some expensive clothes to make you feel better’. ‘Here’s some leaflets but we can’t come again because of the lifts in your flat. You can’t expect nurses to come up in these lifts every time’. That was the last time that I heard from them before I resigned at the school.

This work (school) inset day January 2020 after Christmas being completely isolated again was too much. I slept through the entire two week Christmas holiday alone again and Christmas day alone I woke up, sat down in the kitchen alone and cried going back to bed. I’ve only left the flat a handful of times since just to get some food or attend an appointment at the job centre to try survive. Those appointments I get in such a state with and ill counting down the days before, and after attending feeling so lost and pathetic weeks pass in bed trying to forget and calm down. Then another scheduled appointment is automatically made by the job centre/department for work and pensions on the online account and I’m expected to constantly check and adhere to. I’ve got another coming and already I’m panicking and know that I won’t attend. Then the emails come through making the whole thing worse for me and so it continues. I can’t do it and days before I feel so worked up and panicked making me feel so ill.

Doing this alone I’ve tried to do the best that I can remove all stressful things in my life and forget. The job has now gone. I loved it so much, was so valued and worked so hard through the divorce and loss of the family and kids twice now and want to be left alone. Debts, car loan, child support, council rent and job centre requirements etc. quickly have followed and have made things worse. My sink was blocked and I ordered online a sink plunger. It didn’t arrive on time and I got myself into a state for days of what I was going to do and lying in bed waiting for the door to knock for days I wet myself in bed too frightened to leave the bedroom to walk to the bathroom in case the door knocked.

Overwhelmed at work and feeling emotional and panicking every single day for years waiting for my wife and kids to come back to me. I took lots of sick days off to get my head straight and upset a lot of colleagues with mood swings and lost their respect with them not understanding. The more time I had off the more I struggled. Crying uncontrollably for days at a time in school and at home I was unable to get to work and for the past two years unable to sleep I was turning up for work at 6:15-6:30am letting myself in and setting off the school alarms. I’d leave school at 3pm, drive home and be in bed for 3:30pm. My appetite is non-existent not eating for days or the complete opposite and I can’t eat enough and feel so guilty about eating. Unable to sleep I mostly drift off 2-3am and wake a few hours later feeling nauseous. I plucked up the courage to see you but it was and is so difficult to leave the front door and to meet and talk to anybody. I don’t understand any of it and I feel so frightened. Bathing regularly now and brushing my teeth is such a chore. I’m aware of all this but I can’t control myself and my thoughts. I can put the immersion heater on every day intending to have a bath but I can’t bring myself to actually having a bath and just curl up in bed instead. I lose days and weeks in bed having a cup of tea in the morning for 20 minutes but then going back to bed until the next day and it repeats.

I’ve been unable to explain the crippling depression and anxiety I feel and have felt for so long. And panics every day doing anything normal people do daily, as I used to do myself in my 30’s, I haven’t been able to do for a long time and I lost my job and family again. I lost everything ten years ago with an unwanted divorce, wife, job, home and kids; and then again 6 years ago with a second unwanted divorce losing my 10 month old son and family and home and job. Universal Credit/DWP to attend work interviews have accepted there’s no way that I can do it. Being forced into it to survive/stay alive financially I would choose not to and withdraw further and wait for a decline and death to end the pain. My most recent separation 6 years ago losing my family and kids again with my partner having an affair I’ve never recovered from, and the sooner I can gradually quietly wither without the stress of nobody understanding, the better. I’m happy with that and have provided for my daughter in a new will.

Pills haven’t helped over the years. Citalopram, Sertraline, Fluoxetine, Venlafaxine, Mirtazapine, etc with all I just sank deeper and lost everything that was dear to me with by behaviour and withdrawal from society, family life, work and normal living.

For a long time I have hoped, and this may upset some people, that I would quickly die from cancer or something; to end the pain of loneliness. Having severe depression, anxiety and being so lost and utterly isolated with no family or friends is not a life and this Coronavirus is almost god sent for me personally to get out quickly, a clause for me. Never exposing myself as being harmful to others as I must be the most isolated of us all; I do hope though that in a shop picking up a loaf of bread already contaminated will help me and me alone.

I was 50 last week and it was just like every other nightmare day. Not a single card, text, email, nothing. It’s an awful place to be to be lonely and without love.

I live in Dudley, West Midlands, UK; and if anybody can relate to any of this maybe we could talk and form a friendship. Kindest regards. Me.

 

[Mario82]

Hi aloneandlostman. I read your story and it is really sad. I can feel the pain and heartbreak through your words and through the screen. I'm so sorry you have been through two divorces and lost kids twice, and that you were treated badly by those scummy mental health workers. You deserve a lot better.

You're in an extremely dark place right now and as you say you are really losing weeks to only being awake for a couple of hours a day. Life does seem intolerable for you right now. I've had depression and suicidal thoughts in the past but I don't think I have ever been in as big a hole as you are now.

I don't know what to say really. There are people here who will talk to you and support you, offer you kind words. I don't know why you don't get access to your kids but you should be. I dunno, your story made me feel sad. Not responding to any medication either must be a brutal experience.

Is there anything you could do that would make you happier or give you some comfort? Are you adamant you want to die?

I'm here to talk to you and maybe form a friendship if you want. You seem like a good person who has been abandoned in life.

 

[calypso]

Hiya and welcome to the forum. As Mario says your pain comes off the screen so powerfully I can almost feel it myself. You are in a totally awful place and suffering so much. Its a huge depression you are in and there is little that seems to be working. How long did you take the meds for? They take quite a while to work usually, but they aren't a cure.

I would argue that you are in grief from losing two families and you are finding it difficult to resolve that grief. We all think of grief as just being something that we feel when someone dies but in fact we feel it for other things too. Its unresolved as you have nowhere to put all those feelings and no-one to talk to about it. Can I ask why you don't have access to your children at all? You should have visitation rights.

As for the MH workers you have seen, well I'm not surprised at that! I have seen some atrocious ones who were awful but also some really good ones. They do vary. I know it will seem like walking uphill on a sand dune but can you get back in touch with MH services and ask them again for help. You really need it. We are here to listen if you wish to.

 

[aloneandlostman50]

Thank you both.

Mario, Calypso,

I tried so hard. Long story my friend. Mum abandoned me when I was 12 after having an affair in a bar when I was doing my homework in the family bar/lounge, and just simply disappeared 1982. My Victorian grandparents, parents of my step father at that time took me in but I was not their blood, just a leftover boy from their son’s marriage so they had no love really for me. Granddad raised his hand to me on many an occasion but what could I do, I was 12/13 with no mum or dad. Dinner after school was mostly cheese and crackers? and I can remember saying to nan ‘it’s all mouldy’. Puffing and blowing she cut the mould off.

I left school 5th year uneventfully and alone one day 1995 with nobody having any idea that I had left school. I’ve still got no idea what results I got from the final exams.

I somehow met a young lady and we dated. I was 18. I’d god knows how gotten myself a job as manager of a shop and from there at 19 got myself a 100% mortgage. A terraced house £18k at the time when mortgage rates were 15%+ 1993-4-5 money problems were a trouble and my girlfriend left me and walked out/disappeared with our 2 year old son. He’s 27 now? and I don’t know him.

When she left me 1996, after 6 months I met somebody else through a newspaper lonely hearts advert I placed, I was 26. Two daughters and ten years of marriage later she left and had an affair. Family and children gone again.

At 40 working in a school I met a lovely lady alone with her kids. She was 29 and I was 40. I quickly became daddy Dave to her children and then my divorce money came through. I loved her so much and she was so beautiful. I did up her council house and took her and her kids on so so many holidays and Disney. The money ran out and she left me erasing all knowledge that I ever existed. Her family, my best friends’ all erased me in a flash.

I fought through family court for our 10 month old son to have a daddy. Fighting for three and a half years alone through 13 Wolverhampton Family Court frightening hearings alone throwing up in the gent’s loo before being ordered into court.

So many lies were told to make sure he didn’t have a daddy.



In the end she broke me and I couldn’t continue alone to fight. I instructed the family court judges in the first 10 minutes of a 4 hour hearing to close proceedings. Saying that I couldn’t do it anymore.

That’s the last time I saw my son, 2 years ago. He’s 7 now and I’ll never see him again. His mum will make sure of that and I don’t even know where they live now.

With depression so deep and for so long being so misunderstood to normal people and friends/ family, cracks open up very early and I personally with so much to offer, so much love, I’ve been so much misunderstood. So much to say it’s overwhelming.

 

[aloneandlostman50]

I just feel so lonely and alone.

 

[Mario82]

I can tell you are a great and caring guy mate and that you have lots of love to give. I am truly sorry for the way they have treated you. Your exes (especially the most recent one) seem like utter bitches to use you like that then deny you access to your kids. Really tough upbringing that you had as well. I know why you feel so betrayed and depressed with everything that has been done to you. I promise there are good people out there who wouldn't treat you like that.

Your exes are evil.

 

[R_Sxo]

Welcome!x

 

[Candy555]

Thank you both.

Mario, Calypso,

I tried so hard. Long story my friend. Mum abandoned me when I was 12 after having an affair in a bar when I was doing my homework in the family bar/lounge, and just simply disappeared 1982. My Victorian grandparents, parents of my step father at that time took me in but I was not their blood, just a leftover boy from their son’s marriage so they had no love really for me. Granddad raised his hand to me on many an occasion but what could I do, I was 12/13 with no mum or dad. Dinner after school was mostly cheese and crackers? and I can remember saying to nan ‘it’s all mouldy’. Puffing and blowing she cut the mould off.

I left school 5th year uneventfully and alone one day 1995 with nobody having any idea that I had left school. I’ve still got no idea what results I got from the final exams.

I somehow met a young lady and we dated. I was 18. I’d god knows how gotten myself a job as manager of a shop and from there at 19 got myself a 100% mortgage. A terraced house £18k at the time when mortgage rates were 15%+ 1993-4-5 money problems were a trouble and my girlfriend left me and walked out/disappeared with our 2 year old son. He’s 27 now? and I don’t know him.

When she left me 1996, after 6 months I met somebody else through a newspaper lonely hearts advert I placed, I was 26. Two daughters and ten years of marriage later she left and had an affair. Family and children gone again.

At 40 working in a school I met a lovely lady alone with her kids. She was 29 and I was 40. I quickly became daddy Dave to her children and then my divorce money came through. I loved her so much and she was so beautiful. I did up her council house and took her and her kids on so so many holidays and Disney. The money ran out and she left me erasing all knowledge that I ever existed. Her family, my best friends’ all erased me in a flash.

I fought through family court for our 10 month old son to have a daddy. Fighting for three and a half years alone through 13 Wolverhampton Family Court frightening hearings alone throwing up in the gent’s loo before being ordered into court.

So many lies were told to make sure he didn’t have a daddy.



In the end she broke me and I couldn’t continue alone to fight. I instructed the family court judges in the first 10 minutes of a 4 hour hearing to close proceedings. Saying that I couldn’t do it anymore.

That’s the last time I saw my son, 2 years ago. He’s 7 now and I’ll never see him again. His mum will make sure of that and I don’t even know where they live now.

With depression so deep and for so long being so misunderstood to normal people and friends/ family, cracks open up very early and I personally with so much to offer, so much love, I’ve been so much misunderstood. So much to say it’s overwhelming.

Hi aloneandlostman,
I am so sorry to hear how much pain and deep depression you are in.Im not very good with words or knowing the best thing to say.I truly empathise with you.I have suffered with depression all my adult life and always found life is just too much.Im not very good with advice but I have a tremendous amount of compassionMost of my life I have never really been understood or I have been misunderstood.I know what it's like to feel so alone.As I myself feel so so alone.You sound such a lovely warm hearted person.Its so so terrible what you had to go through and endure.Your exs were so unfair and cruel to you.Especially the last one.What she did to you was heartless.I am looking for a friend myself.I would really like to be your friend.I will be thinking off you and hoping you get the help you need.I haven't been long on this site, but the people are so supportive and kind.Contact me anytime and I will try my best to be supportive.Even if you just want a wee chat.Take care of yourself ,
Candy55

 

[JessisMe]

Am I alone in my story?

Hello everybody, writing this is so hard. I’ve re-visited it, re-written it, and deleted it so many times only to start again. Feeling it’s pointless now after explaining to so many counsellors and doctors over the last 15 years +, I’m completely lost. So much has happened and it’s impossible for me to even contemplate that anything could now change for me. Memories and dreams haunt every moment of my every day. Here’s my last email to my doctor at my GP surgery last month. Very disjointed as I struggle to say what I want to.

-----

I apologise for the many missed phone calls from the surgery. I’ve only seen the missed calls days after as I’m mostly 23hrs a day in bed and have been since before Christmas and after leaving my job January, only getting up now to go to the bathroom and occasionally to a shop when I can manage it.

I’m so tired and sleepy all of the time and no amount of rest helps. I can be in bed all day every day eventually to fall to sleep and wake feeling so tired and lethargic to repeat the day time after time is awful with upsetting dreams. My sleep cycle is and has been for a long time completely out of what is normal with maybe 2 hours maximum sleep naps then waking frightened after such vivid upsetting dreams. Often 2am or 4am in the middle of the night is morning for me, to have a cup of tea and stare at the TV or out of the window for 20 minutes and then feeling so tired it’s back to bed and the cycle repeats. The normality of mornings and nights and 8 hours sleep is a long time in the past for me. Feeling so low with no interest in anything or life and a fear of walking out of the front door or even talking to anybody has been building for a long time at work and I forced myself for so long; for 15 years. My suicide attempts being in and out of hospital for years I have constant feelings of hoping to die in my sleep. I can’t even face now getting dressed to go to a shop for food anymore and I go for days without food or electric and just sleep or lie down with my eyes closed. Not because I’ve got no money but because I just can’t bring myself to do it and prefer to close my eyes and sleep erasing things. I am completely alone with not a single friend/human to physically see and interact with on a regular basis. I’ve pushed everyone away, they just didn’t understand.

I resigned my job early January and since I’ve not seen anybody and could have died and nobody would have known for months and months, possibly years as there’s nobody in my life; absolutely nobody. I don’t want to see anyone anymore and avoid contact with people at all costs.

Every day is such a struggle, I feel so embarrassed to talk to you or anybody and prefer instead to stay at home and sleep. I tried so hard. I asked you to admit/refer me back to the psychiatric hospital and you did. But they were awful and turned me away in their incredulity after I tried to explain how bad things were for me. They did arrange a home help nurse. Who eventually came and was equally awful shouting at me on the phone as I’d missed two previous phone calls from them. Turning up eventually after them not turning up for 3 previous appointments she said, ‘tidy up, and get yourself some expensive clothes to make you feel better’. ‘Here’s some leaflets but we can’t come again because of the lifts in your flat. You can’t expect nurses to come up in these lifts every time’. That was the last time that I heard from them before I resigned at the school.

This work (school) inset day January 2020 after Christmas being completely isolated again was too much. I slept through the entire two week Christmas holiday alone again and Christmas day alone I woke up, sat down in the kitchen alone and cried going back to bed. I’ve only left the flat a handful of times since just to get some food or attend an appointment at the job centre to try survive. Those appointments I get in such a state with and ill counting down the days before, and after attending feeling so lost and pathetic weeks pass in bed trying to forget and calm down. Then another scheduled appointment is automatically made by the job centre/department for work and pensions on the online account and I’m expected to constantly check and adhere to. I’ve got another coming and already I’m panicking and know that I won’t attend. Then the emails come through making the whole thing worse for me and so it continues. I can’t do it and days before I feel so worked up and panicked making me feel so ill.

Doing this alone I’ve tried to do the best that I can remove all stressful things in my life and forget. The job has now gone. I loved it so much, was so valued and worked so hard through the divorce and loss of the family and kids twice now and want to be left alone. Debts, car loan, child support, council rent and job centre requirements etc. quickly have followed and have made things worse. My sink was blocked and I ordered online a sink plunger. It didn’t arrive on time and I got myself into a state for days of what I was going to do and lying in bed waiting for the door to knock for days I wet myself in bed too frightened to leave the bedroom to walk to the bathroom in case the door knocked.

Overwhelmed at work and feeling emotional and panicking every single day for years waiting for my wife and kids to come back to me. I took lots of sick days off to get my head straight and upset a lot of colleagues with mood swings and lost their respect with them not understanding. The more time I had off the more I struggled. Crying uncontrollably for days at a time in school and at home I was unable to get to work and for the past two years unable to sleep I was turning up for work at 6:15-6:30am letting myself in and setting off the school alarms. I’d leave school at 3pm, drive home and be in bed for 3:30pm. My appetite is non-existent not eating for days or the complete opposite and I can’t eat enough and feel so guilty about eating. Unable to sleep I mostly drift off 2-3am and wake a few hours later feeling nauseous. I plucked up the courage to see you but it was and is so difficult to leave the front door and to meet and talk to anybody. I don’t understand any of it and I feel so frightened. Bathing regularly now and brushing my teeth is such a chore. I’m aware of all this but I can’t control myself and my thoughts. I can put the immersion heater on every day intending to have a bath but I can’t bring myself to actually having a bath and just curl up in bed instead. I lose days and weeks in bed having a cup of tea in the morning for 20 minutes but then going back to bed until the next day and it repeats.

I’ve been unable to explain the crippling depression and anxiety I feel and have felt for so long. And panics every day doing anything normal people do daily, as I used to do myself in my 30’s, I haven’t been able to do for a long time and I lost my job and family again. I lost everything ten years ago with an unwanted divorce, wife, job, home and kids; and then again 6 years ago with a second unwanted divorce losing my 10 month old son and family and home and job. Universal Credit/DWP to attend work interviews have accepted there’s no way that I can do it. Being forced into it to survive/stay alive financially I would choose not to and withdraw further and wait for a decline and death to end the pain. My most recent separation 6 years ago losing my family and kids again with my partner having an affair I’ve never recovered from, and the sooner I can gradually quietly wither without the stress of nobody understanding, the better. I’m happy with that and have provided for my daughter in a new will.

Pills haven’t helped over the years. Citalopram, Sertraline, Fluoxetine, Venlafaxine, Mirtazapine, etc with all I just sank deeper and lost everything that was dear to me with by behaviour and withdrawal from society, family life, work and normal living.

For a long time I have hoped, and this may upset some people, that I would quickly die from cancer or something; to end the pain of loneliness. Having severe depression, anxiety and being so lost and utterly isolated with no family or friends is not a life and this Coronavirus is almost god sent for me personally to get out quickly, a clause for me. Never exposing myself as being harmful to others as I must be the most isolated of us all; I do hope though that in a shop picking up a loaf of bread already contaminated will help me and me alone.

I was 50 last week and it was just like every other nightmare day. Not a single card, text, email, nothing. It’s an awful place to be to be lonely and without love.

I live in Dudley, West Midlands, UK; and if anybody can relate to any of this maybe we could talk and form a friendship. Kindest regards. Me.

It sounds like you are in a difficult place right now. Sometimes it helps to have people to share your thoughts or just relax with. I hope you find the diversion and support th

 

[Nukelavee]

For what it's worth, I think anybody would be feeling rough after living through all of that.

I wish I had more to offer, but, keep posting here. Writing it out will help you, and people here are very supportive.

As basic advice - dude. You need to get up and do some minimal amount of stuff, hiding in bed isn't helping you. Do some little things, just to break up your time. Get up and get dressed, or shower and get dressed. Make certain you eat something. And give yourself credit, when you've done that, for doing something.

 

[aloneandlostman50]

For what it's worth, I think anybody would be feeling rough after living through all of that.

I wish I had more to offer, but, keep posting here. Writing it out will help you, and people here are very supportive.

As basic advice - dude. You need to get up and do some minimal amount of stuff, hiding in bed isn't helping you. Do some little things, just to break up your time. Get up and get dressed, or shower and get dressed. Make certain you eat something. And give yourself credit, when you've done that, for doing something.

Thank you Nukelavee. I do try so hard but it's been such a 6 year long groundhog day since I lost everything through this depression and mentally I feel inert. Complete isolation for so long I can't any longer help myself to do these things. It's such a dark place to be to be alone every day and not being able to move on doing it alone. I miss my family and someone to love and care for so much. I'm so afraid of dying alone and nobody even noticing.

 

[aloneandlostman50]

Thank you Candy555 for your kind message. You are good with words and your message meant such a lot to me. Life is as you say, really really cruel especially to those of us with severe depression and having such crappy life experiences. I would really also like to count you as a dear friend to me along with Nukelavee, JessisMe, R_Sxo, Mario and Calypso.

 

[aloneandlostman50]

It sounds like you are in a difficult place right now. Sometimes it helps to have people to share your thoughts or just relax with. I hope you find the diversion and support th

Thank you JessisMe

 

[aloneandlostman50]

Sent: 05 April 2020 08:36
To: xxxxxxx
Subject: Re: Happy Birthday

Good morning
In reply to your email
The girls are fine both at home.
Complying with the government rules and totally respecting them.
They spend there days in bed. Eating walking the dog and sleeping.
I have just seen your message on your life policy. £58 a month is a lot to pay out if you have no income. Coming in? How can you afford this ? May be you should live for today in terms of money and give it to me for the girls.

I am £241 a month down from your CSA contributions and now having both home 24/7 that is extra heating lighting and food.

If I’m honest a contribution towards the girls while you are here would be more practical.
Just a thought.I respect its your life and your decisions

 

[aloneandlostman50]

....Reply.

I hope that you and the girls are staying safe and are showing no signs of any infection.
It would be nice for J to also have some sort of insight into what is going on with her dad and his communications with you and L.

It has become apparent to me that I could never trust you to execute my Will with impartiality and fairness carrying out all of my wishes 100%. Especially when it comes to what I would want to leave for A and A. There's not a chance that you would do it.

All of your email replies sometimes copying in L and sometimes not have been difficult to read and upsetting and are veiled and you only mention money. It's always been money with you T. Money driven and wanting to get everything back that you feel that you've been robbed of after divorce and given to A after settlement. Some of this, these feelings of yours have rubbed off on L. I can remember you talking with me and counting down the days and hoping sooner rather than later Nan and granddad would die, and hoping that their estate wouldn't all go to the girls in Wales.

I've got no job, no prospects, no income, no life, no family, no friends but still you mention that you're £241 a month down and me starting a life policy you'd prefer instead to have the money.

One day L will realise and understand manipulation and narcissism of a trod down husband struggling with severe depression and anxiety.

Surely it would have been more appropriate to say 'D, you're not going to die soon you're a lovely man. And I know you're struggling since A left you for dead taking your son with her'

T, I've changed the will trustee to Farewill's professional executors for a fixed fee and changed estate recipients.

You've mentioned extra lighting, food and heating contributions for 'while you're here and alive Dave' !! Fuck you, you are so self centred and still haven't realised what you did to our girl's by leaving their dad and having at last count 15 - 25 boyfriends on dating sites following the years.

We were all fine as a family but you'd turn up at the door when J and L were with me in fox covert and A happily. You'd then send evil letters to A. Bang the door down shouting through the letterbox. Sowing lies to the girls in your own mistake of ending our marriage and family.

It's disgraceful just how badly you ended our marriage and how you manipulated to family and friends twisting my words and ignoring the depression I was going through so they'd erase me and leave me for dead. Not even talking to me a week later after 15 years of family marriage and being the 'good guy'.

exactly how did you fall out of love so much to end a family that in everyone else's eyes was golden and revered?