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New here, could use some advice

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brokenspirit

Member
Joined
Nov 16, 2016
Messages
7
Hi everyone,
First I would like to say that I have a newfound level of respect for people that suffer with chronic anxiety. I have been suffering since this past summer (from anxiety) although I always had acute depression that I took medication for for a couple years. I was in a prolonged affair with a man (I am married with a child). For some reason I didn't feel anxiety during the affair, but it was after I had an affair with a man besides the man I was already cheating with, that my anxiety and panic attack kicked in. Since this past summer, I have experienced three panic attacks, paired with general anxiety that comes and goes but stays for a while when it does come. I know most would say okay well you cheated and you feel guilty so you deserve it or its natural... agreed. The first thing I did, is repent and promise to God and myself that I would never do this again. I have been meditating, praying, doing good to others, donating, EVERYTHING. I am also taking paxil and klonopin (hate it) to control the symptoms for the most part but I do feel like it does not work all the time.. I am on the road to recovery and I am unsure if I will ever get there because everytime I feel like I am okay and not anxious anymore, something triggers me and I am in lala land for like 4-5 days at time.

I am a full time student, an autism teacher, a mother of a 5 year old, and the wife to an amazing man that didnt deserve to be cheated on. :(

I just need some advice and words that can help me understand what is going on with me. Why didnt I experience this level of anxiety when I was actually cheating? If I am no longer doing it, why do I still feel miserable?

Thanks
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2015
Messages
17,160
now the spell is broken, youre horrified at what you did? While there were two of you you had a secret, now you are shouldering that secret alone its not quite so much fun.

just a guess. :shrug: Also you've possibly got quite a bit of guilt, ongoing. Every time you look at your husband and child, I imagine.

No judgment btw. We all make mistakes.

welcome aboard MHF
 
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brokenspirit

Member
Joined
Nov 16, 2016
Messages
7
Exactly :(
Does it ever go away? I just can't imagine living like this forever
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2015
Messages
17,160
Exactly :(
Does it ever go away? I just can't imagine living like this forever
of course it does.

Just don't make the mistake of telling anyone. Its yours to bear alone. Youll be ok.
 
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brokenspirit

Member
Joined
Nov 16, 2016
Messages
7
Thank you. I really hope this is temporary... i dont know how much more anxiety I can bear.. i hate being on medication too but coming off it makes me crazy
 
D

Daypass

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 6, 2016
Messages
363
Yeah this sounds like a guilt thing and an identity issue thing.

I too would caution against telling anyone in your life, but it could help if you talked to a real therapist, (not an overtly christian one) or just posted about your thoughts and feelings of guilt etc. here.

I really hope this is temporary


That might depend on how you define what happened. How you understand it and what level of importance you give it. If in your mind "it's a huge deal" then you're going to have issues. If you find a way to make some sense of it, then it won't seem like too big a deal and your mind will more easier be able to let it go.

first thing I did, is repent and promise to God and myself that I would never do this again. I have been meditating, praying, doing good to others, donating, EVERYTHING


These things are good, but God isn't Donald Trump trying to cut a better deal! lol

Don't attempt to buy your way out of this because chances are you will not feel overly satisfied with that.

Doing good things, should be something you do from now on anyways. It should have little to do with this.

Understanding why you did what you did, what you got from it, what you didn't get from it, and why you won't do it again or why if you do it wouldn't be the end of the world, is the key. These are answers you have to come up with for yourself, that make sense to yourself. (i mean, if the trying to get right with god thing is working, then keep it up!)

But overall, you will have a better feeling of control and self-compassion if you allow yourself to look at what happened more objectively.
 
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brokenspirit

Member
Joined
Nov 16, 2016
Messages
7
Thank you so much for your guidance. I guess I feel like I am trying to compensate for what I did all the time.. but this is stuff I should have been doing all the time.. thats a different perspective. I am seeing a therapist and psychiatrist.. and I think my therapist is going to start DBT with me soon so.I hope that can help me reframe my thinking
 
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