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New here! Anxiety and ROCD?

V

Vaticinal

New member
Joined
Apr 17, 2015
Messages
1
Hi there!

This is my first time posting about anything like this online, so I'm sorry for the messiness of all of this! (And hopefully I've gotten the right area for this thread!)

Basically- my current issue is that I'm having some major anxiety issues in my relationship. For quick background- I've been diagnosed with anxiety, bulimia(recovering now) and PTSD alongside having shown signs of OCD. This happened about 4 years back however and I've never followed it up past a bad therapist experience.

I've been with my partner for almost two years now and we've known each other for 3. We've been living together for almost a year and things are usually amazing. We're best friends who do almost everything together. We study the same degree and have the same classes, and because of this we also tend to have the same friend group. We still enjoy doing things on our own however, but we primarily like to be in each others company even if we're not doing something together.

Now, on most days- things are perfect. Even more then perfect. Some days my heart absolutely sings with how much I love this man. Sometimes, and this is probably my third or forth experience with it- I get these intrusive thoughts. I get these "I don't really love him", "you should break up with him", "first loves never end up together", "you don't love him enough" thoughts circling through my head and they make me absolutely weak with worry. I get worried that my mind is trying to tell me I don't love this man, and that there's someone better out there for me. This breaks my heart, because more often then not- I feel like I love him more then anything in the world. Then suddenly, sometimes after seeing a post online about how relationships are 'supposed' to be (all infatuation) or something of the like- these thoughts occur.

I've been surrounded by dysfunctional relationships all my life, and my mother has always been looking for the "spark" and the "knight in shining armour" who will just take care of her. Because of this, I've had multiple men come into my life and I've just watched her pick up and leave when she feels the spark is gone. I feel like maybe I've picked this up? My parents divorced because my mum cheated on my dad, and I've watched both my mum, dad and brother just float through the most awful relationships since. My mum is currently dating an abusive alcoholic, my brother just left the girl he'd been with for 5 years after cheating on her multiple times and being physically abusive, and my dad just left the woman who kicked both my brother and I out of home a few years back.

I'm terrified that I'm going to be like them- and that maybe what I'm feeling about my partner is a sign that I should pick up and go. I'm terrified that what if I'm falling out of love with him? I think it's my anxiety and a bit of ROCD (things do seem to match up?) because most days- when I'm at my least anxious- the big, warm happy comfortable love is there. I'm just so confused and don't know what to do.

Like, I know it's normal to fall out of the infatuation stage- but ever since we have (we do go in and out of it), I tend to spike. I freak out because I've always been so convinced that everything has to be perfect. If I'm not feeling love, then I'm not in love. I know logically that relationships are supposed to ebb and flow. To feel butterflies 24/7 would be so tiring- but trying to tell myself that compared to what I've been raised to believe is so incredibly difficult. My partner tells me it's normal- that his childhood sweetheart parents even advocate that it will always happen, that it's choosing to continue to love that makes relationships work- but I've always been taught if something isn't right, well- out of fight or flight? My family has always chosen flight.

I'm just worried that maybe I'm not meant to have this. Because when I even can manage to think about leaving my partner- it's not to go find someone else. It's just because being with someone and trusting someone so fully is terrifying. I brought up the idea of ending things to my partner the other night and I just lost it. I broke down. I couldn't believe the words actually passed my lips. My partner has always been so supportive about my anxiety, because he's struggled with his own. When we decided that we wanted this to be a very, very long term thing- he struggled with the idea because he never pictured having something like this. We both never thought we could possibly care about someone else so much and it's been terrifying.

It's just so frustrating and confusing right now, because even though I've mentioned above that I'm terrified that I'm falling out of love with him- I know I love my partner with every fiber of my being. On the days I'm not feeling out of it, I'm just radiating love for him. But when I get like this, it's hard because it's like a tap has been turned off. I go from feeling everything lovely to everything awful. My disordered eating habits come back, I can't sleep- I'm so tense and scared. I get scared that I'm convincing myself that I'm in love and that I'm staying with him because he's a good guy. I try to tell myself this isn't true, and I try to picture what it'd be like to leave- but this then goes two ways. I either picture it and don't feel bad at all until I realise he wouldn't be there at the end of the day, or I just fall apart.

I'm so convinced what I'm feeling is anxiety related, but what if it's not? My partner tells me there's nothing wrong with what I'm feeling, that he wants a future with me and that he loves me more then anything. I always thought my biggest fear was losing him, but here I am lately going in between "do I stay or do I go" even though I'm sure that my feelings are genuine.

I've read a lot of other posts floating around the net, and I've read a fair few of Sheryl Paul's articles- but every time I think "oh that's what I feel like!" I get a little voice that's telling me that I'm just trying to convince myself and I'm terrified that my head is trying to tell me to leave.

I was hoping someone may be able to provide some insight?
 
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katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
Hello and :welcome:

We accept the love we think we deserve!

It sounds like things are going really well in your relationship at the moment and your brain's a bastard and is trying to find any way to make you feel like shit or sabotage a good thing. I have a mind like that; I know where you're coming from.

I would get in touch with your uni counsellor straight away, 'cause s/he'll be able to talk you through these worries and also give you strategies of how to feel more secure within yourself, which will cripple the basis of these worries.

Hope you can push these thoughts out of your mind soon and I wish you and your partner lots of wonderfully happy times together.
 
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