New here and would like someones opinion on my life

[halfwaypear]

hey everyone that happens to read my post, im very new to expressing my opinions and so if I under or over share, I apologise!
Im a 23 year old living with my parents and have been suffering from extreme agoraphobia for the past 10 years,although the past 2 years have been the most intense year. I spend most of my days hiding away in my bedroom, playing video games because even going downstairs and spending time with my family is sometimes just too hard to do.

When I was 13 years old, I was bullied(physically and mentally) because of my weight and general awkwardness which as a result of this, I sometimes just couldn't even get out of bed,let alone get ready for school and actually go. leaving me with having to be homeschooled for the last 5 years of my school life, so I cut all ties with what little friends I actually had at the time. I eventually got decent exam grades considering my agoraphobic limitations,but I always knew something was missing in my life the whole time...

fast forward to 2018, I have been housebound for the past year because I just simply cannot get out of the house for anymore than 5 mins to help the family collect the weekly shopping load and im in a constant state of depression and general sadness. Then I met a very dear friend through an online game we both enjoy together. We have been friends for over a year now and we both have had a great connection together and there is never dull time when we are together playing. we can discuss everything and anything to each other in a safe space and know that it stays between us and us only. we have recently both admitted we are feeling more than just friends towards each other and dream about how good we would be together!

Theres just a few issues as to why we cant be together...the first,she is stuck in a marriage that I believe she doesn't want to be in anymore because of several reasons I wont discuss. the second, I am so majorly agoraphobic that sometimes even thinking about going to meet her in person gives me panic attacks. third, I live in the UK and she lives in America...usually that wouldn't affect things as one of us could get on a plane and go visit, but neither of us have any real amount of money to be able to do this.

So the point of this post, after giving a slight background, is to see if anyone else has been in a similar situation? my feelings are split right now: I WANT to change myself for the better so in the future maybe we could meet each other face to face so I can see her smile in person and just love everything about who she is. then on the other hand, im afraid of the failure that I see happening if I can overcome my intense agoraphobia. my entire life would change, whether its for the good or bad im not sure. I fear what my family would say if I say everything im saying right now out loud they've always babied me because of how insecure I am. As part of my agoraphobia I get government disability money to help the day to day life easier for me and almost 90% of that goes towards paying for bills and such, of which I know would cripple my family if we lost that and I feel they would almost be disappointed that I would have a selfish thought like I am right now.

If anyone is reading this has any opinions or extra questions that I maybe didn't make clear , please feel free to set them on me. I made this post for an outsiders opinion, be it a positive one or a negative one!

Thanks for at letting me be here to put my feelings in word form.
halfwaypear!

 

[LadyDomino]

Are you getting help, are you on any meds?

I was once in a home situation which I wanted to escape, and online relationships gave me the dreams of escaping. I met a few of these people. All but one of whom I never spoke to again after meeting up. That one I met - changed my life, though not in the ways I dreamt about. I guess what I am trying to say is, online relationships do give us a hope of escape, but sometimes the reality is not what we hoped for.

 

[halfwaypear]

Are you getting help, are you on any meds?

I was once in a home situation which I wanted to escape, and online relationships gave me the dreams of escaping. I met a few of these people. All but one of whom I never spoke to again after meeting up. That one I met - changed my life, though not in the ways I dreamt about. I guess what I am trying to say is, online relationships do give us a hope of escape, but sometimes the reality is not what we hoped for.

I am on medication for anxiety and depression,but as for actual help...i cant find anyone that understands agoraphobia. most professionals are on the " why don't you just go outside and everything will be fine?" sort of page and its not as easy as that,is it?

as for going to America and meeting her, I realise it is a very long way away if it ever were to happen, but were friends for over a year before an attraction was formed, by which point we knew almost everything about each other. I feel like even if we met and the spark just wasnt there,that we would still remain very close friends.

 

[midnightphoenix]

it sounds like a tough decision to be in

am i right in understanding you have never met face to face with her? have you seen photos of each other or just chatted online?

 

[halfwaypear]

it sounds like a tough decision to be in

am i right in understanding you have never met face to face with her? have you seen photos of each other or just chatted online?

hey,thanks for reading and answering!
No,we have never met in real life due to both of our limitations,mainly being my agoraphobia and the fact neither ofus can afford to visit the other right now,although we chat on mics for hours at a time, which usually ends in some form of photos being exchanged, nothing usually sexual, just selfies and the like when one of us asks what the other is looking like on that day so we both know what each other look like.

 

[midnightphoenix]

hey,thanks for reading and answering!
No,we have never met in real life due to both of our limitations,mainly being my agoraphobia and the fact neither ofus can afford to visit the other right now,although we chat on mics for hours at a time, which usually ends in some form of photos being exchanged, nothing usually sexual, just selfies and the like when one of us asks what the other is looking like on that day so we both know what each other look like.

so if you both ever did meet up, neither of you are going to run from the other one based on physical appearance?

 

[halfwaypear]

so if you both ever did meet up, neither of you are going to run from the other one based on physical appearance?

never, we both think the other is the most beautiful person they have ever laid eyes on! physical appearance has never mattered to me anyway, I need the emotional connection with someone to feel close them, but she is just breathtaking to look at and she always says the same thing about me.

 

[Issey]

I would suggest you both deal with the external stresses of your lives before adding the extra stress of meeting an online friend in person. The fact that she is married adds a whole level of complexity that could be devastating to both of you. before either of you consider travelling "across the pond" to meet, IMHO, you should be in a good place with yourselves. She needs to decide if her marriage should end for her own peace and or safety, not because of a possibility of another relationship, then do what ever needs to be done to either fix her marriage or get out of it. That way when you meet you know the boundaries one way or another. And you have a lot of healing and work to do to get functioning coping methods for your agoraphobia, you above anyone else know how stressful it is out of your comfort zone, you don't want that compounded by meeting a person from far away with unrealistic expectations. If you could travel to America, travelling can be stressful at the best of times, so add that to a busy airport, tons of people and possibly being far far away from your comfort zone, it could very hard on you, and I would think you would want to be at your calmest so you can be who you truly are and as comfortable as you are talking to her online. I think the chance of meeting your friend should be a great motivator and goal to work towards, but not the only reason, it puts to much pressure on the meeting.
Good luck, I hope you get to meet and it will be wonderful