New Guy. - Going to need help.

[Xander]

I'm 31 y/o. I was diagnosed with ADHD around age 11, diagnosed with clinical depression and PTSD in my teens, and diagnosed with Type I Bipolar Disorder at age 24 along with a couple of other "fun" disorders. I allowed it to wreck a nearly 8 year marriage, divorcing at age 26. I stuck with all the meds for three years before growing tired of the side effects. I'm a pretty bright guy and the memory loss and lack of concentration killed me. So, after three attempts, I managed to detox myself. It was not pretty. After a more than three year break from meds, I have just now gone back to a psychiatrist and started meds again. I had actually convinced myself that I was not bipolar. The fact is that it's a cyclic illiness and I managed a good run between the extemes. Nothing special there. So, during the past year and a half, I dealt with some hypomanic to possibly full blown manic episodes helped along with drinking binges that eventually gave way to an 8 to 10 month period of an extremely irritable depression. I'm on my way back to stabalization now with the help of topomax. I feel like I may be experiencing mixed episodes with paranoia. The doc has me on Xanax for that. In the past, I've been on much stronger stuff. I really want to avoid the stuff that turns me into a zombie.

 

[mizunderstood]

Greetings!

Hi there. Im new on this site aswell but there is some brilliant advice and opinions on this site which Im sure will be helpfull. At least you know you are not alone! You sound like you have been through the mill a few times! I hope you feel better soon and that you get over the deflating thought of taking meds again. Like you, I feel my meds turn me into a zombie like creature. And again like you I managed to convince myself that I was perfectly ok and not mentally ill at all. I think this in itself was a delusion and needless to say I ended up back on meds. I've had an argument with my doctor that if I take medication then its not a real view on life, its altered, so whats the point? If you can't live normally without medication but you can't live normally with it, its a bit of a catch 22 I think. Its a case of the good outweighing the bad. Maybe when you are more stable you can reduce it or even come off it again. If not, maybe I suppose you need to acept your fate and deal with it as best you can? Anyway, I think people with Mental Illness are special as they see things from a different perspective than everyone else thus they have insight into things that "Normal" people don't have. I also think we are intellegent and imaginative beings. You don't see many thick people going Mentally Ill eh? Maybe when judement day comes it will be the "Mentally Ill" that provail for all their suffering in waking life. I know its hard admiting that you need medication, but at least you recognised that you had to go back on it before things got worse. Im sure you are not the first to eat humble pie as far as meds are concerned anyway. And you are not alone as far as your drinking was concerned either. I have many a time searched for the answer at the bottom of several wine bottles.lol. It only served to make me feel like shit in the long run, but hey,needs must as they say! Good Luck and best wishes an I hope you find this site helpfull. x