New Boy!

[MarkUK]

Hello everyone and thank you for sharing your thoughts on what seems to be what we are all going through in various shapes or forms. My heart goes out to everyone whos stories I have read and even after ten minutes of reading gained some solace in realising none of us are alone.

I have never suffered any mental health problems before prior to September 2006. I work for the emergency services and have dealt with some pretty trumatic events which would effect the most strongest of minds. However it was my choice to do such work and always handled every situation thrown at me. Until the situation became more closer to home.

I have a daughter who is nearly 2 and her mum did not handle her pregnancy well and became quite violent towards me... I know that that was not good for her either. My daughter was born and the Violence continued and had to get out of the relationship. I did and financialy and emotionally supported my daughter and had her in my care for a 3rd of the time.

I met a new partner who had a little girl also and all was well. My new partner anounced she was pregnant and all was well and I was very happy to become a dad again as I love my daughter and children are the world to me. We were due to get married and I sorted housing / marriage / finances to prepare for my new life.

I took my daughter on holiday with my family for her 1st Birthday but my fiance could not come because of her child / schooling ect! I had just been to the scan and saw my new baby for the first time which for me was exciting and reassuring that life was getting better. Whilst I was away I called my fiance to ask how things were and check she was ok. She told me she had lost the baby. This turned out to be untrue as I knew there was something not right. I callenged her about it and got a message back so bad that I can not repeat it but involved my baby and a "dustbin" so you can imagine what had happened. This put me over the top and when I returned off holiday my living babies mum found out that I was due to get married and I was going to be a dad again.... This made her angry and she then stopped me seeing my daughter and effectively took her out my life. I went from being a proud member of the emergency services and loving father to losing 2 children in less than one week. Usual story, booze, tears and an attempt on my life followed. Then the allegations started ... My ex stated to police I was in possession of a firearm, which I wasnt and had my flat and mum and dads house searched... It was all very traumatic and had me arrested for asking for my daughter back. (Abused Harsassment Legislation). This was dealt with by the courts very sypathetically thank god.

Eight months have passed and things were going ok until 2 weeks ago when my hair started falling out and my body effectively shut down out of the blue!... So upset I went out and got a moheekan haircut, a new set of clothes "to reinvent myself" and posted on Facebook I was off. I didnt mean suicide!!!.. I returned later that evening to find 10 police officers in my parents house after breaking the door down believing I may be dead. I have now found myself back at square one after 8 months of couselling and nearly 2 years on Anti'ds.

I'm determined to take that long arduous journey again to yet again try to rebuild my life and it starts here by getting it off my chest. Back to the doc on Friday. The truth is I dont want to be on this planet but I could never do anything like that again or put my family through that hurt. Especially my daughter. I will just have to endure the misery and work through it again. Well here we go!

Good luck everyone !

MarkUK

 

[jamesdean]

Hi

Hello mark ive just read your story u really have been through the wars. I dont have any answers 4 u but would just like 2 say that i joined the forum last saturday n ive had nothing but great supportive replies. Its a great place 2 talk. Take care n have a good day

 

[Dollit]

Mark thank you for being able to talk to us about what you've been through. While none of us go through the exact set of circumstances we all go through the same feelings to one degree or another.

You have been through a lot but it's possible to make a comeback and rebuild your life. You will never forget what you've been through but it can make you a stronger person, a different person.

Now you've found us, stick around. I've made some genuine friends here, one who I really miss if we can't talk to each other daily, and I get much help and support from them. Welcome to a safe haven.

 

[intelgal]

Eveyone is really freindly on here and its a good place just to vent sometimes even if the aswers are not there

 

[rollinat]

Mark, good to have you here.

Rollinat

 

[MarkUK]

Thanks all!

Thank you all for your replies..... I have today tried to get myself admitted under my own volition to hospital for some help... Been told basically to go and get some councelling.... I have had nothing but for the last 8 months and really dont know what to do next..... Got rid of the moheekan so that was a bit of "anti world" removed... especially from a visual point of view. Just going to keep my fingers crossed that the doctor can help me out some way... Tried Valium, prozac the lot but never had my body shut down on me before. Work just want me back and thats that.... well I have to think of me for a change and put my foot down and stand firm.

Does anyone find that no matter who you talk to both professional and non, they all have an opinion which differs from the next.... I think I have heard them all now. People are satified they have forfilled their roll by "putting some form of label on it". I have been diagnosed by "non-professional" as Bi-polar.. By a professional physc as having ADHD (Yes if stands for Accusing Daddy of Harassment Disorder) and even an alcoholic. One even told me to "forget about my daughter and that the abortion prior to that was "for the best". I read on here that no-one knows there own mind like the person that owns it. I am sure to god I am suffering from "Phsychiatric Injury" caused by a cocktail of negative life stresses. I know there is no magic wand to stop that hurt but god I want it to stop!

Mark (Now very bald)

 

[Dollit]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain and so little of a solution right now. Keep coming here and we can talk and see if we can find you a way through by supporting you.

 

[blackdog]

Hello Mark and

 

[MarkUK]

Hi Blackdog and thanks Dollit..... This is a good site.... Its always there when you want to come to it to read.

Mark

 

[Fedup]

Hello and Mark

Hope you find "us " supportive.

 

[jamesdean]

Hi mark

[/COLGod yes i know the feeling "ever1's differ from each other" n they have2 satisffy themselves. U r so right n its not just in the world of mental health " customer services n check out staff @ tescos n sales assitants. 1st u would think these people own the companies they then tell u what they think (not using company policy or protocal.If u dare 2 say that they o u money. N these people 4get that when the chips r down the companies they work won
t'd offer no support.OR] Sadly people dont think things threw n say the 1st thing that comes in there mind n 2 me nobodies seem 2 want 2 take resposiabilty 4 what they say. Going back 2 mental health n the health service in general these people seem 2 4get that they r the 1s earning loads money n we r just the little people possiably @ r lowest. n if u mention bad days i find the bigest answer is "we all have them" yeah like sure. I think i c that dicription of depression on the bbc website dosent even begin 2 describe the truth. Keep fighting mark

 

[daffy]

Hi mark and welcome to the forum. You seem to have had more than your fair share of trauma and its no wonder you feel like you do. I hope you keep posting on here and hopefully you can start to get your life back again.

Take care

 

[jamesdean]

Hi mark

Hi mark i'm sorry my message is hardly even readable i sent it this morning n i wasnt feeling so great all i was trying 2 say is i do understand this thing that people have 2 satisfy their own ego i think u could call it n most often people of no life experiences 2 back up what they saying. cheers james

 

[MarkUK]

Thank You!

Thanks Mark... Dont worry that message made sence to me as I write loads like it. Thanks for your comments!

 

[MarkUK]

See what I mean!!!

I just thanked myself when I was supposed to say thanks James!!!! Ha ha