New and suffering

Etheral

Etheral

Member
Joined
Jun 10, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Vienna
#1
Hello Mental Health Forum members,

I just joined this website in order to seek for help from others, as well as to provide assistance with other people in similar situations. I hope that we could overcome our issues together.

I have been severely depressed for 2 years. I have the basics in my life: food, shelter, clothes... These are things that none of us should take for granted.

I have run out of ideas of how to cope with my depression. I live alone and feel so alone, although there are people around me that like me. I just don't like them back. If I'm honest, I don't like anybody at all and can not connect with people. I try, I have gone out and socialized (which was not even slightly possible in 2018 due to ridiculous anxiety etc). When Im out and see other people enjoying their lives, it fuels the depression. I envy how connected people are, I envy how they enjoy their time.

I don't have a life and I don't know how to create one. I sit on the couch most of the day contemplating what my plan is, what I should do. I never find anything to do. What do you fellow members do? Please I am so out of ideas.

I have been regularly exercising the past 9 years, so this piece of advice will not cut it for me.

The depression took new dimensions in 2017 after a divorce, lack of fulfillment in life, loneliness, substance abuse, and reduced self worth feelings.

I am a gay man and I feel completely out of place in the gay world. I feel like an alien. I feel absolutely horrible.

Thanks for your time, I'll do my best to reply to other threads on this forum.

Love to all here

Addy
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
4,436
Location
Tigger and Willow's house
#2
Are you seeing a professional for help? I didnt see in your post if you are or not :hug:

Do you have anything you enjoy doing? I write a bit of poetry every now and again when I get creative :hug:
 
Etheral

Etheral

Member
Joined
Jun 10, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Vienna
#3
Are you seeing a professional for help? I didnt see in your post if you are or not :hug:

Do you have anything you enjoy doing? I write a bit of poetry every now and again when I get creative :hug:
Hi there,

thanks for your reply :) I am doing psychotherapy but do not feel any benefit from it (although the psychotherapist is good) I am also currently on meds.

There isnt anything I actually enjoy to do.. I certainly have no creative outlet and believe I never had one. I'd say I'm pretty dry. Or at least I've become dry.

Trying to think of what to do often invokes feelings of anxiety, since I never really get an answer. And also, I had been trying to make a plan for a long time, but I just can't figure anything out.

I have no goals or dreams in life. I also feel like I have no hope in the gay soceity.

Do you share your poetry online?
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
4,436
Location
Tigger and Willow's house
#4
Hi there,

thanks for your reply :) I am doing psychotherapy but do not feel any benefit from it (although the psychotherapist is good) I am also currently on meds.

There isnt anything I actually enjoy to do.. I certainly have no creative outlet and believe I never had one. I'd say I'm pretty dry. Or at least I've become dry.

Trying to think of what to do often invokes feelings of anxiety, since I never really get an answer. And also, I had been trying to make a plan for a long time, but I just can't figure anything out.

I have no goals or dreams in life. I also feel like I have no hope in the gay soceity.

Do you share your poetry online?
yeah i have shared it online, i would need to see if i have it here and if not copy paste it across :)

Are you able to draw? That's one thing I cannot do, despite another member here's best efforts to teach me :redface:
 
Cochise

Cochise

Member
Joined
May 31, 2019
Messages
9
Location
Chronos' Lair
#5
I commend you for regularly exercising, I find that really hard to do, if at all. I'd definitely consider it as one of your hobbies or things you're good at.

I've started to take up drawing recently, slowly but surely, maybe just 2 hours a week. I have to do it on those rare occasions I feel upto it and remind myself not to compare my art with others or fuss too much about which Google pic I'm going to copy. If I can get pass all the blah and just start drawing, I'm winning.

But gardening is something I've never ever done, never interested in and only started because I got a plant from my mum one day. I focused my attention on its research and tending to it and found it really helps my anxiety (it died, but I've bought 5 more plants since 😶) What about trying something similar? Don't worry about being good or even interested in it. You might be surprised at what happens?

With regard to social interaction, I agree it is not easy, I look at how people around me form relationships and friendships so easy yet for me its mergh. Completely off point somewhat but I adopted a cat a few years back and he really gives me a little extra strength every day. I may not get people, but animals are better company for me anyway. 🐈
 
Etheral

Etheral

Member
Joined
Jun 10, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Vienna
#6
Let's read some of your poetry!

I'm not good at art. I feel like I'm not good at anything.

Life just seems boring and empty and it feels like I have nothing to hang on to or look forward to. Is it possible to overcome these feelings? It surely seems impossible.
 
Etheral

Etheral

Member
Joined
Jun 10, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Vienna
#7
I commend you for regularly exercising, I find that really hard to do, if at all. I'd definitely consider it as one of your hobbies or things you're good at.

I've started to take up drawing recently, slowly but surely, maybe just 2 hours a week. I have to do it on those rare occasions I feel upto it and remind myself not to compare my art with others or fuss too much about which Google pic I'm going to copy. If I can get pass all the blah and just start drawing, I'm winning.

But gardening is something I've never ever done, never interested in and only started because I got a plant from my mum one day. I focused my attention on its research and tending to it and found it really helps my anxiety (it died, but I've bought 5 more plants since 😶) What about trying something similar? Don't worry about being good or even interested in it. You might be surprised at what happens?

With regard to social interaction, I agree it is not easy, I look at how people around me form relationships and friendships so easy yet for me its mergh. Completely off point somewhat but I adopted a cat a few years back and he really gives me a little extra strength every day. I may not get people, but animals are better company for me anyway. 🐈
I agree with what you said: it's about trial and error with hobbies etc. I just don't know where to begin. Also, there's a background sadness telling me there's no point in doing anything if I'm alone. Like life is meaningless alone.

I do have some social contacts who enjoy time by laying on the grass and drinking a beer. I might sound like a spoiled brat but it doesn't move anything in me.

Going to a party with people also doesn't move me.

I am unable to get sexually involved with someone either.
 
Etheral

Etheral

Member
Joined
Jun 10, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Vienna
#8
I'd also like to mention that I don't have a routine and I've been trying so hard to create one for a long time but I only fail at it.

My work is home-office and does not demand much time or effort at all, so I have a lot of time on my hands. This time is spent sitting around in depression
 
Cochise

Cochise

Member
Joined
May 31, 2019
Messages
9
Location
Chronos' Lair
#9
Perhaps the social aspect of parties and socialising isn't what your soul needs right now. Have you thought about connecting with nature like exercising outdoors, diving (if it's an option), combat bootcamps, archery etc.

Exercising is a possible strength of yours so maybe if outdoor sports might ignite even just a flicker in you, you'd be winning.
 
O

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
689
#10
The depression took new dimensions in 2017 after a divorce, lack of fulfillment in life, loneliness, substance abuse, and reduced self worth feelings.
Hi there and :welcome:to the forum :) Divorces can be soul destroying. May I ask, what was life like before the divorce? Did you receive any support after this? :hug:
 
Etheral

Etheral

Member
Joined
Jun 10, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Vienna
#11
Hi there and :welcome:to the forum :) Divorces can be soul destroying. May I ask, what was life like before the divorce? Did you receive any support after this? :hug:
Hi OCDGuy. Married life was great in the first couple of years and progressively became worse, until it became an emotionally and later physically abusive relationship.

After freeing myself from that relationship, the mental issues took new dimensions. You'd think that being liberated from abuse might bring some ease. I tried dating someone afterwards but I remained 8 days awake from anxiety of being next to someone in bed. Generally Ive had enormous sleep issues for 2 years.
 
J

Jules5

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Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
796
Location
Florida
#12
I know how you feel. My life is at a stalemate right now and has been over the last year. I do not get out at all except to go to doctors. I feel all alone but yet I have a son and roommate with me. funny how everyone has a different story but when Mental Health is involved it is always the same conclusion. I cut myself off from people in the most brutal ways. now I am suffering because of my behaviors. I am chronically ill and I have to accept this so I do not feel so guilty all the time. I hope you can break through the abyss and live a healthy happy life. Lots of hugs
 

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