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    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

New and looking for advice

Y

your_name_here

Active member
Joined
Dec 9, 2009
Messages
40
Location
Hampshire
Hi,

Just joined the forum as I've been looking for somewhere to get some advice and to talk to other people in similar positions. I will try to make this rundown as brief as possible (I'm sure you've heard it all before anyway!)

I started feeling depressed when I was about 14: it came on over a stupid school boyfriend issue and seemed to snowball from there, mainly due to relationships but then other issues. By about 17 I felt like I was in a very dark place: I felt isolated as I seemed to have boyfriends but never any big group of friends and it really made me feel lonely. I started thinking about suicide often and by 18 I started self-harming: never anything major or deep that would leave too many noticeable scars for life (though I have a couple of very faint ones now).

By the time I was mid-way through uni I was seriously down and thinking about suicide on a regular basis, nearly every other day. I felt so alone and so depressed. The only way I can describe it was like a massive black curtain fell in front of me and blocked everything out for days.

Anyway, a few relationships and years on, plus many crap depressing jobs I didn't ever want to be doing, and I was so down I decided I would end my life. I found the place I would park my car, wrote my letters to family and friends while in floods of tears and went to the chemist to get sleeping pills. Luckily I bottled it as the place was so busy! Chicken, ay? But I can't explain how much I really wanted to do it and how so bad I felt. A few weeks later I ran in to the sea in the middle of winter: it was a half-hearted attempt and my then boyfriend pulled me out.

I'm now 26 and when I met my husband three years ago things started to change. I felt and do feel happier than I ever thought possible. I stopped self-harming and rarely thought or think about suicide.

But something is still there, lurking in the background and occasionally it rears its ugly head and I feel so down again. I still feel lonely as I have only a handful of friends and though I'm happy with my husband, I still feel like life has not gone how I wanted and I'm not where I want to be and this makes me feel depressed again like the "old days". When these feelings come back it leaves me tearful and tired and not wanting to do anything. I've told my husband practically everything about the past and sometimes I do tell him when I'm feeling down but I just don't think he thinks I'm that serious, or realises how bad it can feel to be like this.

I feel OK most of the time, but sometimes out of nowhere and sometimes because of something, I'll get that horrible sickening feeling of depression coming on and I just keep thinking that is it about time I spoke to someone about this? it's been over 10 years and now I'm older I realise that maybe I should have gotten help a long time ago when I was at my worst. We have been trying for a baby for the past year and I'm worried that when it happens, I may be more likely to suffer post-natal depression and that is the last thing I want.

I'm SO, SO sorry that was such a long post, but it felt good to put it all out there and if even one person replies with some useful advice or understands my story, I'll be very happy and grateful!

Thanks. x
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
Just to say that I think that there is meaning in such states.
 
Y

your_name_here

Active member
Joined
Dec 9, 2009
Messages
40
Location
Hampshire
What do you mean? Sorry, I'm probably being stupid!
 
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
1,191
Location
Kent
Hi YNH and :welcome: to the forum. It's not too late to get help now, maybe a visit to your GP would help. If you find it hard either to tell him about things or to remember what you want to say, then write it down and give it to him. Maybe even print out your post. If nothing else then he will be aware of the situation when you come to have a baby so they can monitor you slightly more closely than someone with no history of depression, and catch any problems early.
 
E

eugene

Member
Joined
Dec 13, 2009
Messages
16
Location
Southern UK
You've not mentioned anything about antidepressent medication, so you may be taking something already or not, I don't know. Some people are against it because they say it makes you numb or whatever, but I'd disagree (more like the opposite). If you've not tried it/are taking it already, you may find that after 6 months of prescription or so you'll be in a better state of mind, will be more outgoing etc. Depression just leads you in a vicious cycle where you don't want to do anything that might make you happy. There are many people who take antidepressent medication for 6 months or so, turn their life around in that time, and come off it finding they have no use for it anymore.
 
J

JETBOY

Guest
HI YOUR NAME HERE ,
your depression will not have gone away ,just coz you got married ,its just the change in your life pushed it to the back of your mind ,you do need to be
seeing your gp ,if your not already ,and you could as the previous person said do with some medacation ,thinking about death is a common pastime of
mine ,but im 51 now ,and ive given up ,but i wouldnt take my own life ,two many people love me ,as they do you ,,see your doctor and get some help
dont be afraid to ask ,and tell them how you feel ,you should have the love
and support of your husband ,but having said that ,it is a strange world that
deppression creates and for an onlooker its very hard to understand ,
understand your love for each other first ,the rest im sure will follow ,,,,JETBOY
 
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