- May 3, 2015
Hello, my name is Gemma. I'm 24 years old and suffer with anxiety and depression. My mum is a recovering alcoholic of 17 months and I have 3 brothers (1 older, 2 younger). The very youngest is currently under observation for traits of autisim and I am very much the mother figure and main carer in his life due to our mum lacking the ability and being focused on nothing but her sobriety. My life has been entirely devoted to maintaining the stability of my family since I was 16 years old. I have because of this not experienced the world in ways that others my age live for. I have never purchased alcohol. I have never been clubbing. I have spare fingers when actually counting the times ive cosumed alcohol of my hands. I am a virgin and I have never been kissed. Ive also never had the chance to work and consider myself to have only 1 friend. There have unfortunately been many terrible situations over the years for my family involving alcohol and drugs, domestic violence and mental abuse. This was all with my mum's ex partner (father of my 2 younger brothers). My mum sadly has an even darker past, being a victim of 5 accounts of rape when she was 15 and 1 that I have recently discovered in her 20's, the attacker being my own father. I am the only one of my siblings who know of my mum's agonising history and although knowing I cannot apply emotion to them. Maybe this is my minds way of saving me from something that would be too catastrophic to feel... Anyway, now that I have explained my background, my current problem is I am suffering with my anxiety more than ever. My mum has believed to have found love within her AA group and has been in a relationship for around 4 months with someone who, though a recovering alcoholic like herself, a kind man. About a month ago now he began staying over at weekends and this has everytime caused me extreme anxiety attacks. I cannot sleep whatsoever those nights and the fear is absolutely torturous. It is getting to the point now where I will get anxious days before his arrival and never find relief of the heavy weight in my chest. I am in despair because I do not have a problem with this man personally. I have longed for my mum to find happiness for so long and am not against their relationship at all. During my attacks I have no actual thought process whatsoever, I am thinking of nothing except the overwhelming fear. I am sat with my mum at this very moment, turned away from her and biting my lip with such need to stop myself from bursting into tears because she is waiting for her man to come and I am waiting for bedtime when the fear consumes me. Not only is it incredibly painful, I am frustrated beyond belief because I cannot seem to see any logic to this. I feel like blaming the past ive mentioned is just me trying to apply a reason that isn't justifiable. Am I being pathetic? Ridiculous? How can i get over this? Please help.