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Never felt this bad

L

LiquidFiire11

Guest
Hi everyone,
Just writing this really to get some stuff off my chest that, and need somewhere to do it, it's stuff that's eating me up inside, and if anyone is able to give advice, it would be very much aprichiated.

So I've been with my girlfriend for 3 months now and I was really happy, after a very long time of being very unhappy and really unwell for the same reason. But just this weekend things took a dive, valentine's day is never my strong point, but especially when it's the anniversary of the death of my unborn baby, but I made the effort and got flowers and a card and a jokey gift, and things went well, but then I think my thoughts got the better of me, and I wanted to explain to her that I may not be myself this weekend due to the above reason, but that got me over thinking things and not saying anything and avoiding telling her, but I stayed with her the entire weekend. Just to add she has a little boy 18 months.

So we decided to go for a few drinks with her friend and relax, so asked her if she wanted to get her friend out (male) so she rang him, and it was a conversation that just beat me up, she was on about date night, and she said "I love you too" in the same way she says it to me, which made me think about alot of stuff I don't need to deal with, this made matters worse. He declined the drinks because he was going to see his girlfriend.

We continued to go out and had a few drinks with her friend, probably not the best idea when you have depression and just heard the woman you love tell another bloke she loves him. But it turned out okay, we had a dance and went home to bed. I sat up most of the night thinking about this conversation, and my loss, and woke her when i couldn't help but cry a little. She grabbed me and cuddled me, but didn't say anything.

When we woke, I'd slept for about 2 hours tops, so already I'm feeling pretty shitty, but still thinking about the conversation, the baby, I didn't know what to talk to her about and the day was really awkward. (I'm trying to keep this as short as possible) I apologized to her for it before I left, talked to her and made sure we were ok and kissed and cuddled and it felt like normal. So I did the hour and a half trip home on my motorbike, and got home to a text saying it was awkward and she hated it and wants some space.

So.now, I'm just a mess, we talked about it and I explained about the baby, and I apologized, explained everything, but she still wants space, so we talked for a while, and had decent conversation about a few things via text, and I left it by saying I'm here if she needs me, I'll speak to you soon. But do I need to mention how the conversation with her friend hurt me? I don't want to push her away more than I already have.

I can't go back to life before again, I feel like there isn't anything out there for me but nothing at the moment, I just want it all to be how it was

Any advice?

Thanks for taking the time to read this. It means a lot

Chris
 
L

LiquidFiire11

Guest
Hi Nikita, Thank you for your reply, reading it is very reassuring, and brought me a bit of comfort.

Yes your correct in thinking that it is from a previous relationship that we had lost a baby, but no, we never really talked about the loss, as she got angry because I wasn't there when she lost the baby, i was in a very bad point in my life. Do you think its worth seeing if she wants to speak about it?

In regards to the conversation with her friend, I have already said that we can take time out and we should have some space as it may help, we work together but in a different area if you can understand me, she works in a different area of the business as an ambulance care assistant and i work in head office for the same company, she works in the base away from me about 50 miles away, so we wouldn't bump into eachother and would be awkward when she comes up to the head office as she is a team leader. I don't want to push it to the point where it effects work because i have had attachment issues in the past where i am very pushy, iv'e never been so certain about a relationship before, and never really made a relationship last, so you can imagine im quite cut up about the whole situation. Im 23 and am really starting to worry that im not going to have kids, and a life where i am happy, all i can see is nothing, and i just want to stop that rut. I am waiting for a reply on some counsellor sessions i have enquired about soon. As i know my attachment issues need to be fixed as soon as possible if i want this relationship to work.

I understand what your saying about men not opening up to people, but I only do with the help of a forum, or a instant chat online where I can speak freely because im terrible with words when i talk person to person. I don't have many friends i can talk to as one is an alcoholic, one lives in a different county and one in a completely different country. I just want her to understand that i won't be like this forever and hope that she can be paitient whilst I get the help i need to be a better person to be with. I can't be left alone with my own thoughts, its dangerous. and at the moment, I only ever seem to be on my own when im not with ****.

Im sorry to drag on, i just need somewhere to express myself, because at the moment i feel like my head is going to explode because i am tired of getting to the point where im really into someone and mess things up. I want to stop the negative thinking and start thinking positively when it comes to relationships. because i know that its the reason i'm forever finding myself on my own with nobody to talk to.

Again thanks for taking the time to read this.
Chris
 
Last edited by a moderator:
L

LiquidFiire11

Guest
Just an update, I have received a letter from my Therapist today, they have referred me for Cognitive behavioural therapy. I am desperately hoping that this will improve my attitude towards my outlook on relationships with the opposite sex, and also general life. It is hoped that eventually I won't see life as such a narrow tunnel with nowhere to turn, and I will be able to maintain the correct attitude with my girlfriend without being to clingy, or needy. I just hope that when i speak to her, she understands that this isn't a quick fix and is willing to stand by me while i'm having a set back.

Hopefully this is a step in the right direction!

Many thanks
Chris
 
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