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donwardspiral

Member
Joined
Aug 9, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Portugal
Hi. I´m 23 and I´ve been suffering from depression for like 4 years. Three years ago I started taking prozac, which didn´t really maked any difference and since then I´ve been switching medication (I´m on my 4th antidepressant) and now I´m on wellbutrin (started taking it maybe 4 months ago and is not getting any better). I feel like my depression is getting worse and worse and I´m probably at my lowest. I feel like completely useless, dropped college after 4 years and anything that one day gave me pleasure or motivation no longer does. I think the term for that is anhedonia but wtv. One of the things that makes me suffer the most is my relationship with my parents. I was always cold with them, never talked much, but it all evolved to a situation where I dont even call them "dad" or "mom", I just lay on my bed all day and I even talk to them like they are a piece of shit the few times that I even say something. Deep inside this breaks me because they work their ass off to pay every one of my "whims" and I gave nothing in return, not even a little empathy. I know this is super wrong, every night I go to sleep knowing that one day they won´t be here and I never in my life had the courage to say that I love them. I don´t know how to be kind to them and show my emotions. Years and years of reclusion and barely talking to them and now I´m ashamed to even call them let alone saying something kind. Please help me, I feel like talking to my mom about what I feel would make me feel better but I´m so fucking shy that I don´t even know how to talk to her. Yeah, that´s it, my life now is laying on bed all day doing nothing and talking to no one, not even my parents. I wish I had the courage to open up and tell I love them, because they do anything for me. I feel like an ungrateful piece of shit. Sorry for any flaw on my english and for the rant.
 
D

donwardspiral

Member
Joined
Aug 9, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Portugal
Even when I try I just cant. Is like I blame them from my depression and cant help myself from acting like a total jerk.
 
M

ManDss

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2018
Messages
1,585
Location
Argentina
Hi. I´m 23 and I´ve been suffering from depression for like 4 years. Three years ago I started taking prozac, which didn´t really maked any difference and since then I´ve been switching medication (I´m on my 4th antidepressant) and now I´m on wellbutrin (started taking it maybe 4 months ago and is not getting any better). I feel like my depression is getting worse and worse and I´m probably at my lowest. I feel like completely useless, dropped college after 4 years and anything that one day gave me pleasure or motivation no longer does. I think the term for that is anhedonia but wtv. One of the things that makes me suffer the most is my relationship with my parents. I was always cold with them, never talked much, but it all evolved to a situation where I dont even call them "dad" or "mom", I just lay on my bed all day and I even talk to them like they are a piece of shit the few times that I even say something. Deep inside this breaks me because they work their ass off to pay every one of my "whims" and I gave nothing in return, not even a little empathy. I know this is super wrong, every night I go to sleep knowing that one day they won´t be here and I never in my life had the courage to say that I love them. I don´t know how to be kind to them and show my emotions. Years and years of reclusion and barely talking to them and now I´m ashamed to even call them let alone saying something kind. Please help me, I feel like talking to my mom about what I feel would make me feel better but I´m so fucking shy that I don´t even know how to talk to her. Yeah, that´s it, my life now is laying on bed all day doing nothing and talking to no one, not even my parents. I wish I had the courage to open up and tell I love them, because they do anything for me. I feel like an ungrateful piece of shit. Sorry for any flaw on my english and for the rant.

Dont discard the option to tell to them you are sorry and you do appreaciate them and are thankful to them.

Set that as a goal, but to accomplish it you should worl first in this shyness you have towards them.

Think, what stops you to tell them this ? If you tell them this what would be their reaction ? Does any bad would happen if you tell them ?
 
fragrant_violet

fragrant_violet

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 29, 2021
Messages
1,947
Location
Tirana
You must make the effort to talk to your parents

If you can't, try writing down what you want to say. Dont rush, think about the correct words. That will be a good start. Your parents must be really upset wondering where they went wrong.

Dont just rely on medication to try and make you better. Read the old posrs on this forum to learn ways to help yourself. Your English is good so get good self help books in English.

In your case there is more than depression. Shy = social anxiiety in your case. You could have ASD. I think you need a proper diagnosis from a qualified psychiatrist..
 
toutatis

toutatis

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 24, 2018
Messages
1,619
Location
New Zealand
Maybe try very hard to think of your parents as simply other people, other human beings, the same as you and I, or anybody else you may interact with. The guilt you have, tells me you're a good person and I want to encourage you to honor that good person within you. Your parents are good people too, which is probably where you get your heart from. Your conscience is telling you what you need to do, friend. You're still young but you're growing, and that's why you're not happy with the way you have been - because that's the old you.
 
B

Bod

Former member
Joined
Jul 19, 2021
Messages
7,860
Location
Pretty Good
Please try your best to talk to your parents as I 100% agree with fragrant_violet. I never talked to my parents and I and them really suffered because of it, so try your best to reach out to them both.
 
D

donwardspiral

Member
Joined
Aug 9, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Portugal
Dont discard the option to tell to them you are sorry and you do appreaciate them and are thankful to them.

Set that as a goal, but to accomplish it you should worl first in this shyness you have towards them.

Think, what stops you to tell them this ? If you tell them this what would be their reaction ? Does any bad would happen if you tell them ?
Thank you so much. What stops me the most, aside from shyness is this feeling of being unable of showing my emotions to them, to the point of even feeling like something out of place. Also, because of being depressed Im almost all the time really pissed off and when my mom starts talking with me I dont have any patience and saying a single word is hard enough.
 
D

donwardspiral

Member
Joined
Aug 9, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Portugal
You must make the effort to talk to your parents

If you can't, try writing down what you want to say. Dont rush, think about the correct words. That will be a good start. Your parents must be really upset wondering where they went wrong.

Dont just rely on medication to try and make you better. Read the old posrs on this forum to learn ways to help yourself. Your English is good so get good self help books in English.

In your case there is more than depression. Shy = social anxiiety in your case. You could have ASD. I think you need a proper diagnosis from a qualified psychiatrist..
I will try to write down before that seems like a really good advice. Yes, they are really sad with that and this point I dont think they even have any hope that I would change my behavior. Thank you so much.
 
D

donwardspiral

Member
Joined
Aug 9, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Portugal
Maybe try very hard to think of your parents as simply other people, other human beings, the same as you and I, or anybody else you may interact with. The guilt you have, tells me you're a good person and I want to encourage you to honor that good person within you. Your parents are good people too, which is probably where you get your heart from. Your conscience is telling you what you need to do, friend. You're still young but you're growing, and that's why you're not happy with the way you have been - because that's the old you.
Thank you so much! That’s a good reflection. I will think about it!
 
D

donwardspiral

Member
Joined
Aug 9, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Portugal
Please try your best to talk to your parents as I 100% agree with fragrant_violet. I never talked to my parents and I and them really suffered because of it, so try your best to reach out to them both.
Thank you! I will, I will. So you know how I feel.
 
D

donwardspiral

Member
Joined
Aug 9, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Portugal
Today was a hard day. I was taking opioids almost all day as a stupid way to self-medicate and stopped a week ago and I have been having some complicated side effects. Thats the number one reason as now for laying on my bed all day. I want to get a job and try to move on with my life. I just waiting for this to stop.
 
M

ManDss

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2018
Messages
1,585
Location
Argentina
Thank you so much. What stops me the most, aside from shyness is this feeling of being unable of showing my emotions to them, to the point of even feeling like something out of place. Also, because of being depressed Im almost all the time really pissed off and when my mom starts talking with me I dont have any patience and saying a single word is hard enough.

Take your time to think. Imagine how the talk would go, and what could tell you that you would feel angry. Try to imagine whats the best way to react, stay calm. But take a time to imagine all this.
 
fragrant_violet

fragrant_violet

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 29, 2021
Messages
1,947
Location
Tirana
I will try to write down before that seems like a really good advice. Yes, they are really sad with that and this point I dont think they even have any hope that I would change my behavior. Thank you so much.

Thank you for your nice reply 👌

Yes you can and will change your behavior but it has to start somewhere si now us a good time.

When I suggested you write things down, I was thinking more that you just give it to them to read because it is a lot easier than making a difficult speech. But if you can speak with those notes to help you, that would be better.

I think you could start with the most difficult thing, an apology. So something like

"It's very hard for me to say this because of my mental health problems, but it's about time I apologized for all the hurt I have caused you over the past few years. I want you to know that I am thankful for all you are doing for me and I love you both and always will do......." or something like that in your own words.

It's almost certain that you will all end up crying but that's good. You can finish by giving mom and dad a big hug. Dont worry about not finishing your 'speech'

The advice you got from @toutatis and @Bod is very good too.

Please let us know how things go
 

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