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Need to self harm to control this pain

littlebit33

littlebit33

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My face is hurting o so bad. I got a mole removed to get biopsied to see if it is milagnant or benine, and it now hurts sooooooo bad. On top of that, my leg and stmach are hurting too. I need to focus on one pain, to control a pain far lesser. I have been clean from self harming for about 2 weeks now (i have wanted to really bad but didnt. ODed but not self harmed) but I feel I am gonna slip up so bad. i need it. I have to do it, or I wont make it thru. I dont want to do it, but I dont know that I can stop myself this time. Why must I be so messed up? why cant I stop this? :help: OMG :help: :cry2: What do I do?
 
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buzzrap

buzzrap

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Can't you just go get a peice of fruit or vegtable and harm that instead and just pretend it is your body part? Go stab a mellon or somthing harmless like that. I just break crap I don't like at times thinking it is someones head or something. Beets might work well. They should have some kind of life size doll that screams when you harmt it bad with fake blood and all for you SHers. Something.
 
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Mayfair

Mayfair

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My face is hurting o so bad. I got a mole removed to get biopsied to see if it is milagnant or benine, and it now hurts sooooooo bad. On top of that, my leg and stmach are hurting too. I need to focus on one pain, to control a pain far lesser. I have been clean from self harming for about 2 weeks now (i have wanted to really bad but didnt. ODed but not self harm) but I feel I am gonna slip up so bad. i need it. I have to do it, or I wont make it thru. I dont want to do it, but I dont know that I can stop myself this time. Why must I be so messed up? why cant I stop this? :help: OMG :help: :cry2: What do I do?
1st Q, something many here ask - things can be fixed, I'm sure of it. 2nd Q, you can but it's difficult. 3rd, Find something to occupy your mind just for now, don't worry about tomorrow. Loud music? Talking in here? Film if you like that? Loud music in my headphones is always my first choice. Also don't worry about counting days since this or that, I think that creates added pressures. What happened yesterday or last week or last month can't be changed now. Think of yourself now, and don't harm yourself today. :)
 
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littlebit33

littlebit33

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:cry2: :cry2: :cry2::cry: :cry: IM SORRYYYYYYYY!!!! im sorry :cry2:

Im just sooooo sorrrrry. I couldnt... i tried... i just..... i.... im sorry i failed u all. im sorry :'(
 
Mayfair

Mayfair

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You haven't failed. I said it was difficult. You know that already.

I don't know if it made you feel better, I don't want to know.

Listen, you takecare of yourself tonight little bit,

best wishes, m:)
 
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calypso

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Little bit

You do need to go to see the pdoc and overcome your wish to see only a female one. Honey, get the help that is one offer. xxx
 
littlebit33

littlebit33

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It is not just a wish..... it is a requirement!!! i can not see a male. CAN NOT!!!!! and u say get help, well send me to another male and like the 1st 5 times it is only going to get worse. And i will not give them the chance to have what happened last year happen again. I will not be able to handle it. I feel like no one listens to a think I say, like my well being really is not in their best interest. I feel like no one cares and if no one else cares, why should i?
 
angiebib1976

angiebib1976

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I care. I do understand your fears littlebit, really I do. And its terrible that you feel you can't see a male.
When I went to see my GP - I was terrified. I was sick before I went. Shaking, sweating. All because it was a young, male, Asian doctor. I am not racist - at all. I've had bad experiences with men. He was younger than me, so I was like 'What does he know?' and the Asian culture is so very different to ours.
It all added up to a very scary prospect. I asked for a nurse to be in with me. I sat almost huddled in a ball, looking at the floor, trying not to puke. Could barely get the words out. Always looking at the door to make sure I could get out, if I needed to.
In the 10 mins I spent with him - he had started to sort my problems.
Now - I have an amazing relationship with him. He is my first port of call when things go wrong. I respect him so much.
Its not easy but I know you can do it.
Be brave.
Angie xxxx
 
B

bebe

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I know how you feel but try your very best to keep your mind occupied as the more time you have to think the more your MI will push you.
You have done the right thing by coming onto here and telling everybody as other peoples words help a great deal
 
littlebit33

littlebit33

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I have finally been given a female Pdoc, it seems as tho they only listen when you do something drastic or your at a point where if they dont listen, something will happen. I ran out of my mood stabelizer adn became really bad, SI became really bad, and I was acting very reclessly adn putting myself in danger. I did not care about anything. I am back on the meds and doing a bit better, but as of last night i now have to start over with counting days of no SI. I am not aware when i do it, i am not even there, adn i only realize what ive dont well after the fact and have to clean and hide it so i wont get in trouble. bebe: you are right, keeping myself occupied does help a lot, adn being idle gives me time to thing and i end up doing bad. the urges are so strong tho, and it seems as though it pushes and pushes until i break down.
 
buffyangel

buffyangel

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There is nothing for u to b sorry for sweety. u have failed no one. U made a mistake. EVERYONE does. Tomorrow is a new day.

i am 39 yo female and have dealt w self-mutilation for many years. What helped me was seeing a pyschiatrist that specialized n this type of disorder. (and yes i went to a GOOD inpatient rehab) We finally got the right meds going so that i am leading a functional life. i still get the urge when im really sick, and have slipped up and given into it at times. But the key was, with help i picked myself up again and went on, not focusing on the mistake i made.
Also...for too many years i focused on pleasing everyone, from my parents to husband/son and patients i treated. The thought of failing anyone or anything was my greatest fear. It truly engulfed me. But u kno.....when i finally fell completely apart.....no one thought i had failed. Most of them had no idea i was struggling so horribly bad inside because i "pretended" i was all together around them. I thought if i didnt they would c me as weak and a failure. and funny thing is my loved ones didnt care about anything but getting me well. No mentions of failures or weaknesses, but people began to share their "failures and weaknesses". as ALL humans have them, we all just try really hard to hide them.
But i would not be where i am without PROPER medication. (and my goodness at the therapy ive had over last 20 years) The thing that helps ME the most is to make myself take about a 2-hour nap. usually when i wake, its like a light-switch has turned off. (yes, my doc knows of this behavior)
also i have written the "bad" things on paper. took to safe place and burned it. watching the desire to hurt myself burn up n smoke!! Believe it or not, has worked many times.
Be strong littlebit and reach out for help. i really do kno the about the type of feelings ur having. I have the scars to prove it. But if nothing else maybe my scars can help u and maybe others.
Ive said a prayer for u today. Many hugs to ya!! :cheekkiss:
 
buffyangel

buffyangel

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o yeah.....
P.S.- i was raped as young child and have only been able to see a female for counseling.
so understand that for sure too. so all my deep dark secrets were discussed w females.
However, my pyschiatrist (med doc) is male. but developed a repoire with him and have used him for over 10 years now. It is him i have to thank for working w me to get the right meds.
Hang in there girl!!!! If i can work thru this anyone can. (y)
 
littlebit33

littlebit33

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buffyangel: You have no Idea how much what you have said means to me. I have been feeling so frustrated because no one is listening to a thig I am saying. They hear me, but are not listening, nd their ignorance is just driving me further and further into this black hole. Also, I am afraid to talk to anyone(except my therapist) because everyone else just threatens me. They want to to talk to them before i do anything or start getting bad, but then they use it to incriminate me, so i dont wanna talk at all. I feel like i have failed, adn I hate that I keep doing this. I dont understand why I cant stop it, why I am not aware of what i am doing when or before I do it. I am strong and happy all thru the day when people see me, but the tears and fears emurge in the night when i am alone. I live on a college campus so I am not aloud to burn things, I would get in trouble. I'm also not aloud to play with fire n e more >.< teehee (im a pyro) :p I also am super paranoid, adn with my luck someone will get hold of it, and will get in trouble or something..... I am also turning to cutting as the alternate to ODing again... I have cut for over 5yrs now, and I hate it, but at the same time the longer i go without it, the worse the cut is when I do break down and do it. I feel like no one understands that its not that easy to just stop over night. just like a crack addict cant go cold turkey, either can I, it just isnt that simple. I try reaching out for help, but I have become terrified to because it always goes wrong, or is used against me. Thus, I do not know what to do :cry: I hate having to explain my scars, but I am planing to get a meaningful tattoo that will cover over them kinda sorta and will show what i made it thru.

Thank you for the prayer :hug: ..... The 2nd part to ur name is completly true, you are an angel :cheekkiss: Thank you
 
littlebit33

littlebit33

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I know how that is all to well (ive had 7 events :( ) I just got a femal Pdoc finally. have fired 5 others all males, I dont feel safe alone with any guy. I know exactly how that feels, and I have not been able to talk or write about what haappened to me. The only time i have talked about was from last year where the hospital i got baker acted to abused me multiple way... even in that event, i can not talk about the details or all the people who did it. I dont look in mirrors either, i cant stand them :(

Im tryin to hang in there, but it is kickin my butt, and I am so tired of living in fear.
 
buffyangel

buffyangel

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o honey...how much i would love to give u a gentle hug and tell u what a wonderful person u r. i can tell from ur writings how much u remind me of myself years ago. Remember im making it!! and u can too!! U can do it!!!
Yes, it is like being an addict. So each and every day/hour will b difficult at first. and then u will notice ur making it for months, etc.

I do not like to b preachy at all. Everyone has their on spiritual beliefs. So please kno, i am telling u just what works/worked for me. God is my true therapist. Humans r judgey. i believe God is the only being that can judge me, and what is wonderful is that He is SO forgiving. So when i get n that "failure" mode....I try to think, u kno...it doesnt really matter what so-in-so thinks......God knows/knew my true intention. And if i ever feel i have failed him, in my spititual belief, ALL I have to do is ask for forgiveness..... and He loves me so much He forgets it immediately.
So honestly i think i use this comfort method more than anything. U will still b n my prayers littlebit. you're not alone. There truly are others who understand.
And thank u so much for the compliment, u made me smile, and i really needed that today. So realize u have achieved something great today..... you helped heal someone elses's struggle today. Thank YOU for making me smile. :)
 
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