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Need to 'have it out' with my dad before he dies

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english rose

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Aug 2, 2014
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My dad will be 76 later this year, so realistically he could die at any time, he's not ill (not as far as I know, I haven't seen him for about 4 years), but deaths under the age of 75 are classed as premature; if he died before I'd built up the courage to 'have it out' with him then I'd be gutted. I feel incredibly uncomfortable around him. He's not an affectionate person - I do not recall at any time during my life being hugged by him. At one point during the late 1980s/early 90s I did not see him for 7 years.

I need to tell him how angry I am with him - even after all these years. I'm 42 now, when I was 6 months old he left my mum & I; my mum had given up her job a couple of months before I was born, at that time we lived in a private rented place. He went off with another woman, he married her, they had two kids, they're still together; those two kids had a perfect upbringing, mine was awful, for a start my mum & I had to move 100 miles away because we were on the verge of homelessness & we were offered a home (not our own home, we moved in with her friend who was horrible to me) in another city, whilst we lived in that city we lived in 3 different areas as we had to move & where we lived was dependent on a very tight budget, so that involved changing schools & leaving friends behind; meanwhile my dad & his wife & their kids were living what I would describe as a nice middle-class existence always in the same house.

What really 'gets my goat' is the snide remarks from my dad re people on benefits, does he not realise that children from one-parent families are much more likely to be unemployed/have MH problems?

I also need to find out what provisions my dad has made for me in his will. He & his wife own their own home (I assume that by now the mortgage must have been paid off), it's a nice house - detatched, 4 bedrooms; unfortunately his wife is 13 years younger than him so the chances of her dying first are remote (my mum went & married a man 7 years her junior, why the hell couldn't my parents marry older people grrrrr). I know I must sound awfully mean & selfish & gold-digging, but I'm just so jaded that I practically don't give a damn & just need to fight for my survival.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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I don't think you sound mean or selfish or gold-digging.
It's understandable that you'd feel resentful and want to 'have it out', as it were.

I suppose the thought that came into my head when I was reading your post was to think about what it is you want or need from him in order to feel that you can start to lay this to rest?
Also, how would you feel if he reacted in a way that felt more damaging to you?

I wouldn't want to discourage you from talking to him, especially if an opportunity were to come.
I suppose I just think it would be good for you to be prepared for a scenario that could potentially leave you feeling more angry and more upset. :unsure:
 
Jaminacaranda

Jaminacaranda

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I often ponder about something similar because I harbour an enormous amount of resentment towards my mother and the way she treated me which left me emotionally scarred for my entire life. However, I agree with SomersetScorpio - what would you hope to achieve through confronting your father? It sounds like a form of revenge - a desire to hurt back - and yes, I think that is precisely why I would like to confront my mother. I've decided not to - not just because I've come to realise it's mean-spirited and pointless but also because I don't know what factors might have led my mother to behave the way she did and therefore I have no right to judge her. She will leave all her wealth when she dies to my son and bypass me because she has never loved me. Although this hurts, I'm lucky in that I don't need a lot of money to survive or be happy so I can forget it and just be glad my son will benefit.
 
E

english rose

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Aug 2, 2014
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I don't think you sound mean or selfish or gold-digging.
It's understandable that you'd feel resentful and want to 'have it out', as it were.

I suppose the thought that came into my head when I was reading your post was to think about what it is you want or need from him in order to feel that you can start to lay this to rest?
Also, how would you feel if he reacted in a way that felt more damaging to you?

I wouldn't want to discourage you from talking to him, especially if an opportunity were to come.
I suppose I just think it would be good for you to be prepared for a scenario that could potentially leave you feeling more angry and more upset. :unsure:
I don't really want any reaction from him - although it would be nice if he apologised & admitted that it was a mean thing to do & recognised the impact on my life that his actions have had; but really I just want to get this off my chest, & with his age time is of the essence.
 
vanish

vanish

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The Land of Oz
I too want to 'have it out' with my father so I understand where you are coming from. I have a slightly different scenario then yours but all the same my Dad, I feel, has a lot to answer for. Also like you, time is of the essence. I hope you do have a chance to get how you feel across to your Dad (as I hope I can get the same across to mine). I hope that my Dad includes me in his will, although this seems unlikely. I am not selfish or gold digging or whatever, I just simply want some recognition from him is all. He forgets me at Christmas, Birthdays and such (he is also my only living parent with my Mum passing away in 1990).

I really do understand how this hurts english rose. It is kind of like that song 'The Living Years' by Mike & the Mechanics (if you've not heard it, look for it on youtube).
 
E

english rose

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Aug 2, 2014
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I too want to 'have it out' with my father so I understand where you are coming from. I have a slightly different scenario then yours but all the same my Dad, I feel, has a lot to answer for. Also like you, time is of the essence. I hope you do have a chance to get how you feel across to your Dad (as I hope I can get the same across to mine). I hope that my Dad includes me in his will, although this seems unlikely. I am not selfish or gold digging or whatever, I just simply want some recognition from him is all. He forgets me at Christmas, Birthdays and such (he is also my only living parent with my Mum passing away in 1990).

I really do understand how this hurts english rose. It is kind of like that song 'The Living Years' by Mike & the Mechanics (if you've not heard it, look for it on youtube).
I'm an expert on 1980s pop/rock music!;)
 
E

english rose

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I saw my dad yesterday for the first time in about 4 years, I was not expecting to see him, I was at the funeral of my dad's brother's wife's sister, it's local for me but about 70 miles away for my dad & that's why I was surprised he was there; my dad's brother has been dead for nearly 50 years. I still don't feel right - seeing him has that effect on me, I also feel guilty because I hadn't seen the lady who died for about 5 years prior to her death, I have decided that I must go & visit my aunt on a regular basis now as she'll be lonely (she lived with her sister since my uncle died).
 
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