Need to get my experiences out. Trigger warning

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Confusedandanxious

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Alcoholic mother. Angry father. I was neglected emotionally and emotionally abused.
I was groomed for years and God knows what else.
Due to neglect and my mothers selfishness.
Suicide attempts. Self harming. All before the age of 15.
I escaped before legal age and moved in with a boyfriend and his parents. Little did I know it was an abusive household. He then went on to be abusive towards me. Ticks every box for sociopath. Being so young I was blinded. All sorts of abuse from him.
Escaped from there and found myself unable to cope in next relationship due to torturing myself from my past.
I was a young mother. Being manipulated from every angle possible. Floating and sinking constantly. Never above water.

Eventually I made it. I pulled myself up and got myself to a manageable level. I found myself in another relationship. All was great. Until I started questioning my sanity. Thanks to a therapist I found out I was being severely emotionally manipulated and gas lighted. I eventually found the strength to leave.

Completely damaged by this point. Therapy helped me massively. Enjoyed being on my own. Got myself back on my feet again. Still with major struggles, but managing on my own.

Another relationship. This one was a pathological liar. Over stupid things. Completely stupid stupid things. Things that were blatantly obvious lies. But obviously they'd lie about the lies and make out that I was the crazy one. This triggered me back to previous relationship and I lost the plot completely. Suicide attempt again.
Walked away from that relationship.

I am now convinced that I am the issue and so I continue to remain single. I am a lot better for it. But still damaged.

I need therapy to deal with all of this trauma. But getting it seems impossible. Especially when it seems everyone thinks I am fine.

I have nightmares all of the time. I have intrusive thoughts. I'm not okay
 
calypso

calypso

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Hiya - what a fighter you are, I take my hat off to you. From the little I know, its people who have come from abusive relationships who are targetted by abusers as they recognise the signs. Therapy should help you stop giving off that vibe and block them from your life.

You are like me in that you can put on a brave face and hide the real you underneath. Its difficult to know how to let others in and it makes you feel vulnerable I suspect - or am I wrong? If you want a relationship with anyone, how would you go about it with all your wealth of experience now gained the hard way?

Keep going with some therapy and try some new stuff to see if a new therapist helps as well. I wish you well.
 
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Confusedandanxious

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Thank you. Yes I am scared to be vulnerable around others. I rant away on here, but in real life I pretend all is fine.

I dont think I would even entertain a relationship right now to be honest. The way I end up reacting in them scares me. They seem to bring about feelings I dont want to feel and I fear abandonment so much that I end up creating scenarios in my mind that dont exist. Causing further torment for myself. It also causes me to not be such a pleasant girlfriend as I get overbearing with unfounded jealousy.

I fear that the mental health team may feel I dont need trauma therapy due to how I present myself to them. Which will leave me stuck here where I am now. I've fought for ages for therapy to work on trauma but it feels like it just gets ignored. Where as I feel a lot of my issues stem from the trauma. So it makes sense to me that if the trauma gets dealt with, I'd have a much better chance at dealing with the other issues.

They dont see that after bad days or bad appointments I feel like this. I torture myself mentally. I wont sleep much tonight because of not being able to switch my mind off. But...when I next see them I will focus on telling them the positives.

I am a confusing patient I think. Because I can be fine for so long. My problem is that I hold on to things, like today's issue. I'll hold on to them and they all build up. Eventually I crash and crumble and display severe signs of being mentally ill. That's when they focus on treating me. Right now I think I appear like a time waster.

I also do a great job of avoiding all of the things that build up. By not going out, not building relationships, avoiding things that make me anxious or even feel.

Sorry for ranting
 

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