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need to get all this out!

E

Eirine

New member
Joined
Jun 18, 2009
Messages
1
Hi there,

I'm pretty certain I have depression and anxiety and I'm desperate to get help or at least a diagnosis but I'm terrified of going to my doctor. I'm not even sure why. I do get bad irrational fears on my bad days that I've gone completely mad and I'll be locked up, but even on good days, I can make the appointment but never go through with it. I have a friend that's been recently diagnosed with depression and has been given antidepressants and I'm really jealous but that just makes me feel worse. Its really messing things up just now. I feel like I'm a really bad friend because sometimes I dont feel like I've got the energy to even get out of bed and I dont want to see anyone other than my partner. And it puts so much stress on our relationship because it's been like this for most of 3 years and I'm sure he's probably really sick of it. And my libido is pretty much non existant. I think part of the problem is my partner is in denial that I'm depressed. He'll always say that its just been a bad day or blame it on the contraceptive pill I'm taking, which has been used as an excuse for a long time now. Sometimes he'll break down, saying that he should be able to make me happy but he doesn't know how. So now it's gotten to the point that I keep it to myself as much as I can because I can see how much he hurts. I used to self harm and have started getting desperate urges to cut again when I'm upset. It's like it's part of my routine of being upset; crying, cutting and feeling bad about it, cleaning up and getting on with life and without the cutting I get stuck at being upset. I'd do it again in a heartbeat if it wasn't for my partner finding out. Don't know if that's a good thing or not. i've tried things like snapping an elastic band on my wrist but it doesn't help, I need the blood and the cut itself to take care of.

Another thing is, the few people that I talk to about it seem to need a reason as to why I feel like this. They just don't understand and when I say I don't know, they seem to think that I'm lying and keep going on at me to give them a reason. I guess the lack of a reason bothers me too. If I knew, I could fix it. The slightly ironic thing is I'm studying pschology at uni. I can match up some reasons but its just wee silly things and don't seem to reflect how bad I actually feel. Thing is, the depression gets in the way of my studying quite a lot. I get so stressed that I make myself physically ill and my complete lack of concentration furstrates me. I don't know how related it is, but I have real trouble reading out loud. I trip over words at least once per sentence and it really scares me.

So that's my rant for now! Please let me know if you guy have had similar problems, kinda need to know that I'm not alone.
 
KP1

KP1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2008
Messages
1,500
Hi Eirine
Welcome to the forum.Lots of us with understand how you feel.
I don't know what to suggest except maybe your partner could go with you to see the doctor. Look at it this way,there is nothing to loose and everything to gain.
There is lots of information available about depression which is worth reading both together if possible.
KP
 
Notmyself

Notmyself

New member
Joined
Jun 17, 2009
Messages
3
Location
Manchester
Hi Eirine,

I can identify with what you are going through. The first time I went to the doctor about it, when I was only young, I didn't know what to say and couldn't get the words out. My hair had gone thin through not eating properly and probably stress too, so what happened was I just sat down, said "my hair's falling out" and burst into tears. It seems almost funny in hindsight! It is just the getting in the room that is the main thing. Try and find the courage. Don't think too much about what to say beforehand, you will find a way. If you end up crying, it doesn't matter. They've seen it all before.

It's difficult being in a relationship with someone who can't relate to what you are going through. It's something I too am struggling with. Being asked what are you depressed about is possibly the most frustrating question you can hear. Give him things to read, on the internet or maybe leaflets etc you can pick up when you go to the doctor. He maybe does not want to admit something's wrong and it will take something like that to bring to light his worries etc.

As for your studies, if you go to the doctor you can get a letter sent to your department in confidence explaining your situation and this can help make things easier on you with deadlines etc to make allowances for your struggles. I took a few months out because I felt I was going to make a mess of it if not. I did return and came out with a 2:1 in the end. Don't put undue pressure on yourself. You didn't make this happen after all.

I hope some of this helps.

xx
 
Jo1760

Jo1760

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2008
Messages
1,507
Location
London
Welcome to the forum Eirine + Notmyself I hope you find the info on here useful.

Eirine,
It must be really difficult for you at the moment - Do you think it might be worth while booking an appointment to see your GP. I know you said you have tried in the past and believe me when I say the first time I went was the most terrifing experience of my life. I got myself worked up and although i was dreading it right to the moment I sat down in the chair ultimately i;m glad I got help.

If your worried about the idea of not know what to say, it could be useful to take along your post of here as it shows in detail how you are feeling.

I hope you manage to get the help you need/ deserve if the idea of your GP is too much check out some of the other threads on here . you may get some useful info,

Take care and keep posting,

Jo X
 
L

littlemiss436

Active member
Joined
Jun 20, 2009
Messages
26
Location
on the edge of nowhere
I do get bad irrational fears on my bad days that I've gone completely mad and I'll be locked up, but even on good days, I can make the appointment but never go through with it. I have a friend that's been recently diagnosed with depression and has been given antidepressants and I'm really jealous but that just makes me feel worse.

[...]

And my libido is pretty much non existant. I think part of the problem is my partner is in denial that I'm depressed. He'll always say that its just been a bad day or blame it on the contraceptive pill I'm taking, which has been used as an excuse for a long time now.
Hi Eirine

Firstly I know how hard it is to go to the doctors but if you can, it's worth it. It was a close friend of mine being prescribed ADs that made me go to my doctor and get some myself. All of a sudden it hit me - I didn't have to struggle any more, maybe there was something I can take that can help me and let me not struggle for a while...

Secondly, and this is only my experience, I would consider changing pills. I'm 29 and haven't touched artificial hormones since I was 21 as they really disagreed with me (and I believe might have compounded my depression). Again, talk to your doctor as and when you feel able to.

Another thing is, the few people that I talk to about it seem to need a reason as to why I feel like this. They just don't understand and when I say I don't know, they seem to think that I'm lying and keep going on at me to give them a reason. I guess the lack of a reason bothers me too. If I knew, I could fix it.
A lot of people don't understand mental health issues. The "well if there's nothing actually wrong just pull yourself together" brigade makes me see red!! Don't let these people make you feel worse - your feelings are very valid and there are ways of getting the help you need and deserve. I'm sorry your partner doesn't seem to understand.

I think if you can go to the doctor and have a chat, then you'll have something concrete to explain to your partner.

Good luck. Promise yourself you will go to the docs and promise yourself you'll keep the appointment. That's just one thing, I know it might seem like a big thing, but just set yourself that one thing as something to do, as it may well be a big step in helping yourself get through this. You don't have to suffer with depressive feelings, there are lots of things that can help. :hug:
 
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