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Need some help with staying away from abusive relationship.

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parachute86

New member
Joined
Jan 12, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Toronto
I am a 33 year old female, self-diagnosed with BPD. I know how I ended up here and I take full responsibility for that. I'll start with some background so you'll understand my situation a bit better. I grew up in a very emotionally abusive, neglectful environment. Much like a lot of people, I was not taught how to have self-esteem or self-love. I was bullied from a young age, my father was an absentee alcoholic, and my mother struggled to get out of bed most days. The only thing that seemed to revive her after my parents divorce, was a relationship with a man who smoked crack cocaine. Basically, there have been a series of micro-traumas which have led me to where I am today.

My own history is such that I have never felt "okay" being on my own. I have a horrific fear of abandonment and I can barely stand to be alone for much longer than 5 mins. My first abusive relationship began in high school and my abuser was a drug-dealing narcissist. Between then and now, I have been in and out of a series of emotionally abusive relationships, discarded by men who only wanted me for sex (which was fine with me because that's the only way I felt validated), and toxic friendships. I sought therapy over the years, even tried DBT (individual and group). Nothing has helped me fill that big gaping hole in my heart.

I have just ended my current relationship, which I have been in for two years. My ex partner was extremely possessive and controlling. That might sound alarming to some people, but I took comfort in it at first. Because that meant he REALLY loved me. The fact that I was not allowed to have a single male friend, not allowed to keep old letters from ex boyfriends, criticized for my clothing, told not to "think so much", isolated from my friends...all of this meant that he really wanted to love and protect me. My rational self knew that it was emotional abuse but I didn't care. I just wanted to be loved and he was always there for me. He made me call him before bed each night, and if I didn't text him the minute I woke up he would be furious. He needed to know my whereabouts at all times. I believe that his behaviour allowed me to feel more comfortable displaying my own insecurities. I didn't want him hanging out with female friends (mainly because I thought his misogynistic views on women meant that he probably wanted to fuck all of them), and I also wanted to be with 24/7. I didn't mind that he was monopolizing my time because he gave me a sense of identity. He promised me marriage and a family. He had a big extended family which welcomed me as their own. I never had that so it made me feel safe. Looking back, there were the obvious red flags since day 1. But what really made me take a step back from the relationship was the fact that I got so angry one night that I threw a cell phone at him, and ended up getting charged with assault with a weapon. The courts issued a no-contact order which meant that I couldn't contact him unless he signed a contract stating that he was okay with it. He didn't sign it until 1 month and a half later. So I essentially went through the drama of dealing with assault charges on my own, and for the first few weeks all he did was post videos of himself on Instagram having fun with his friends. He didn't break the no-contact order until he realized that I wasn't going to contact him ever again. But those initial weeks after my arrest were absolute hell. It was the worst abandonment I had ever experienced.

No one ever asked me what he did to get me to that point. That night I was beyond drunk (self medicating) and we had an argument. He basically ignored me the whole night, and told me to "go fuck myself". He said a bunch of other horrible a things which triggered my fear of abadonment, and I reacted very badly. And I became the "crazy one", as usual. He managed to weasel his way back into my life shortly after that by promising never to abandon me again, promising to go to therapy with me..and a bunch of other BS. Therapy was interesting, he basically explained his behaviour as nothing but a reaction or a retaliation to my behaviour. He is completely incapable of accepting responsibilty, or taking ownership of his own issues. Anyway, he didn't keep any of the promises he made and I stayed with him for another 6 months.

We had a similar experience recently which led me to end things. A male friend messaged me and he EXPLODED. I reassured him that this person was an old family friend, and he was like "you probably fucked him. You fucked all of your male friends..." and that's when I exploded. Only this time, I packed up my stuff and left. Something hit me...I thought "if you don't get out of this relationship, it will end in disaster."

I know I made the right decision. I have anger issues which are unresolved from childhood. But I know that staying with him is not going to make them any better. I feel that he pushes me and preys on my insecurities. I also believe that he is an undiagnosed Narcissist. He fits the profile perfectly.

I guess I am looking for some hope. I need to get better. I am going back to therapy and I pray every day. I meditate as well. I just don't want to be weak when he hoovers me back in. He has already attempted to contact me and it has only been 2 weeks. I need STRENGTH and also compassion for myself. But the fear of abandonment is so overwhelming. Why does this hurt so bad???????
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
552
Location
London, ON
First, if I were you, I'd get a concrete diagnosis. I'm not saying you're wrong, but if you are, you might be missing important pieces of the puzzle.

You managed a month and a half once, you can do it again. And then keep ignoring him. I know it's a cliche, but time will make it easier to stay away.

Abandonment issues are tough. I have bad ones, in part because I'm adopted, in part because I choose crappy people to be involved with. I know how you feel, and how empty things feel when you are alone. I've learned, though, you can't fill that hole inside you with people.

Remind yourself, while you dealt with assault charges, he thought it was a big joke. You're smarter and stronger than he is. You can do this.
 
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parachute86

New member
Joined
Jan 12, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Toronto
Thanks for the response. I really appreciate it.

I hear what you are saying (about not filling the hole in my heart with other people). I'm really hoping to keep this motivation going. It's just hard when I get home, and I come home to my lonely little apartment. I have a dog and she is very helpful to me, and gives me unconditional love.

And yes, I don't know how I managed to overlook that. When I was suffering more than I ever have (I thought my life was ruined as a result of having these charges), he was more concerned about himself. He even had the audacity to get angry about the fact that I didn't contact him (because I had a restraining order). He didn't care that for weeks I was suicidal and couldn't eat a thing. Instead, he was probably looking for his next supply, feeling sorry for himself.
 
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Zackthemaniac

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
318
Location
North Carolina
Im glad you got out of that relationship and are starting to do things to turn your life around. I know it's easy to fall back into bad patterns. You have to try to focus on your rational thoughts as opposed to your emotional feelings. Try making pros cons list. So when you feel like contacting him you can remind yourself all the reasons its a bad idea. Above all just remember you're worth more than being an abusers property. You deserve to be valued and treated like an equal. Controlling is not caring.
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
552
Location
London, ON
If I still had my little dog, I wouldn't need people.

Just keep on being strong. Post here when you feel weak... we'll remind you of your own words.

You're doing the right things - but they take time. But the longer you go without contact, the easier it is. I've been through this so many times. It's horrible every time, but, it passes.
 
TinyStar

TinyStar

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Nov 12, 2019
Messages
105
Location
England
Hi parachute,
First i need to say well done for walking away. It honestly is one of the Hardest things to do when you are in an abusive relationship, it takes real strength and so much will power, because a toxic bond has been created and you become almost co-dependant, aswell as losing all self-esteem and sometimes your identity. It really does mess one up mentally.
Even more so if your'e already vulnerable or dealing with other issues, they prey on it and use it.
The controlling, possesive, manipulation really can mess one up mentally and Once things start to get violent it only ever gets worse.. just disastrous..In my experience.
Like you said you knew how it would end and that takes insight and emotional maturity to realise.
I have thankfully moved on from my abusive ex but it wasn't easy, especially since we have a 7 yr old daughter together.
After 8yrs together on/off, 2 restraining orders against him and at the moment a Non-mol in place.
He can have contact with our daughter but not with me. And I feel almost free from his clutches because i am aware of WHAT he is now. And realise no one deserves that kind of treatment. It is not love.
Although i know the abuse has affected how i think/ feel/ behave in relationships now and has contributed to my mental health issues.
The fact you have been to/going to therapy and done your research means you have got the tools to free yourself from that unhealthy toxic situation.

It's all too easy to get sucked back into/hoovered back into that relationship by these types of individuals, they need us for their own gratification and needs..Not the other way round.

Sometimes going no contact is the only way forward and it hurts, i know i went back too many times because it is never easy moving on and breaking the cycle.

So stay strong, keep your gaurd up, remember your worth and in time you will be able to move on to better things and relationships.
I can relate on so many levels, Msg me if you ever feel to.

TinyStar
 
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