Need some help struggling

[EB1010]

Hey

my story , 14 years married , my wife would also say she did things to me bad because I watched porn. Its not all the case. She would always be interested in other people. She never kisses me goodbye for work or sends me a text to say have a good day. But she constantly goes on discord social platform and always says good morning first time she wakes up she goes on her phone and messages to these people . Last September I found out that she was sexting for months with a guy in discord. Had plans to meet him when I changed my work schedule to have sex days and weeks while I was working my ass off for the family It hurt me for long time and it still does . I am still having depression from it because she technically still around this guy in discord and myself playing a game and he’s in the same guild as us. I just want to leave that guild and get away from the constant reminder but she says she does not care what I do. I became worse with unable to control myself and get frustrated with this. This isn’t the first time she done this to me with other guys. She would send pictures of herself half naked to other guys she talked to. She tends to flirt a lot but which bothers me is she goes overboard . Anyone I talk to I get harassed about because my profession has majority of women and all my friends are women but not once when she was snooping through my Facebook messenger or phone she found anything but she still harps on it . I am not sure why I am still here together, I guess because of our 3 kids, or I do still lover her but I don’t think she loves me .She also wants to do everything around the house , pay the bills, take care of the kids homework. I ask to help and she says I complain and I should be happy I have A wife who does everything. One day I told her I would help her because the kids are home schooling for covid19 and she states no your dumb. And I said I have a masters in science , I can’t be that dumb, she goes to say that I called her dumb by saying that . Not sure how so. I only wanted to help .I am not sure how to Respond to that . She always goes back to me watching porn which I did on some occasions but it’s only direct result of her actions. She always sends me photos of herself asking my opinion but I tell her she’s beautiful and doesn’t believe meand the posts her picture to discord for other guys to comment or look at, which the guy she wanted to have sex with is still in
That place . I know this seems like all rubbish but it has grown onto me. I never been depressed in my life. She always never gets up in the night time when I have work in the morning when my daughter who’s 4 has trouble sleeping . I constantly get up with my daughter every night and go to work the next day when she does not work. I confront her about this but she does not change , I still get woken up every night . She constantly says I complain all the time. I guess I do now but I feel like I’m helpless. Also one time I was very sick I could move , I told her to drive me to the doctors but she said she wasn’t going to.... I drove myself so sick to the doctors to get treatment . But I bend over backwards for her. I make sure I take her to the doctors , I fill
Her gas tank. I go to Dunkin’ Donuts for her when she wants a coffee , she doesn’t do much for me. Complains that I don’t get her breakfast in the morning when I use to but stop doing it she doesn’t get me breakfast ever . I never felt hopeless and she makes me feel useless , I don’t think she has said one good thing about me in awhile. She says I cheated on her at a workplace cause I went out to eat for and going away office closing party with 4 other people and got drunk accidentally cause I didn’t have any lunch that day which probably because my house never has food unless I go shopping . Yes I guess I’m in an a manipulative relationship. Now I’m on Wellbutrin and I never had sexual dysfunction before but my wife blames that I watch porn that’s why I can’t have sex . I haven’t watch porn in forever. It’s basicall because I’m depressed and feel like u don’t value me as an person .

EB

 

[mom j]

Hello, EB. You are dealing with a lot. I want you to know I have a lot of pain too and I feel for the way you are suffering. I think it is good that you were able to release some of that pain with your words. It would be great if you explore the community and find some other people who share the same kind of situation as you so you know you are not alone and there can be a solution.

 

[EB1010]

ty , i am thankful I am not alone. It is tough situation, it felt great to post this, I need some friends.

 

[wraziel]

ty , i am thankful I am not alone. It is tough situation, it felt great to post this, I need some friends.

This forum is so friendly, you can find friends here.

 

[katwomyn3]

Hi,
I want to start off with I have never been married nor in a relationship as long as yours, let alone have a child with someone. But I have been a child of divorce. As a child, I couldn't understand why my parents couldn't stay together, but I grew and realized that since they couldn't love one another it was the best decision on their parts. My father was by all accounts as good as a father as he could have been, and he didn't abuse my mother physically. But he was a toxic person to be around as a partner. He was a drug addict and did what drug addicts do to their partners and it was basically leech off them. My mother left him because ,1, it was not a good environment for me and my sister. And 2 most importantly to me now, it was emotionally and mentally abusive to my mother. If they had stayed together that would have been most hurtful and damaging to my mother. If she stayed with him for us, I would have felt so guilty as to what that had cost my mother. There wasn't any cheating, but it was emotionally and psychological abuse nonetheless. I am still in awe of my mother for having the strength to leave him.
But speaking as my mother's daughter, I would want my mother to do what she needed to be happy and if that meant breaking ties with a partner who brought her nothing but misery, insecurity and hardship then so be it. She tried what she could to make him snap out of his addiction but in the end he went back to doing what he wanted to do no matter the cost. He never guilted her into being complacent like your wife seems to do. But, whether its drug addiction, cheating or just plain neglect it is all toxic. At the time, sticking around is the thing most people want to do. But, if you think about it, sticking around is the easiest because leaving a relationship like that is very hard.
There are many repercussion 'we would rather do without' because the unhappiness we are currently in is what we know and is easiest to live with. But, you deserve happiness and much better than a person who does appreciate you and doesn't want to love you and do their part in helping be happy.
I just became engaged, and I am terrified that I will be like my father. In the sense, that I will take my fiancee for granted. For me the biggest hardship isn't in simply being happy for myself, but to make him happy. And what I can and will need to do to make that so. It seems like you have done what you can in your marriage. But, acting blind and deaf to her indiscretions is not the way. You're just letting her get away with hurting you, and you are a person who needs and wants love. YOU DESERVE LOVE. Don't let your depression make you thing otherwise, you need to learn to disassociate yourself from those feelings and not let them be part of your psyche any longer.
As for my father, if you'd like to know, he is not a drug addict anymore. It took him a long time to quit and his addictions led to our distance in our relationship. Not the divorce, might I add. My mother did let him be in our lives after they separated but he chased his addictions nonetheless. But, I admire and hope to be like my mother, she did a very difficult thing for the best of reasons. For us as her children, and for herself as a person. She showed me that you need to love and value yourself enough to remove yourself from a toxic relationship in spite of the hardships you will later face.
I have yet to ask her exactly what she felt and the fears she faced, but all I can say is we need to value ourselves and believe with fortitude that we deserve better than the dismal circumstances we fall in.
I don't know if this helps you in any way. But as a child to a parent, who is unhappy with their spouse, I wouldn't want my parent, mother or father, to feel unhappy, abused and taken for granted in their marriage.