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Need some Help hopefully a Doctor that knows better then most

O

ObitoBlackout

New member
Joined
Jul 15, 2021
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1
Location
colorado
I’m a 23 year old male living life with nothing but regret and hate. i have been diagnosed with Major depressive disorder. i also have social anxiety disorder, ptsd, adhd and epilepsy and who knows what else, it seems like my doctor cant figure it out. been on many medications for depression and most dont work at all, actually they have the opposite affect and i have to quit them because sucidal thoughts raging on and never shuting up. Sometimes I want to harm myself to shut myself up but dont.

i live only for my dad, he did alot for me so i cant quit until hes passes. i no longer have any friends, they bailed on me once i hit rock bottom. Been like this for 2 years, every day i think about suicide but my love for my dad stops me everytime, i dont want to hurt him.

I lost my cat, 13years old, 2 years ago. I viewed her as my kid, even got a tattoo in memory of her. i blame myself for everything bad that happens. i blamed myself for my cats death because i didnt have the money and I didn’t see the vet sooner. i have flashbacks of her cancer, it looked horrible, makes me hate myself.

i also was physically and mentally abused by my mother for 12 years until i got away from her. i havent talked to her since i was 12. i have family but the only one i truly care about is my dad which i know is wrong. idk why im like this anymore, i havent worked for a year because im scared ill go to jail for assault because my anger is out of control and because i hate everyone almost. i had 2 friends, we got into it because im so depressing and they threw me away. that made me lose all trust in all my friends and made me give up. i knew them for like 10 years so it hurt alot how they did me at my lowest and they take away the last ray of sunlight i had in my life because they helped me escape my horrible life.

i pretty much live in my room, don’t leave it but for drinks and food and even then i dont want to, just have to cause my body hurts so much from not eating or drinking. i’m at my wits end, i have no goals or passion. after my mom side of the family and my friends abandoned me i have no hope of ever making another friend. i refuse to try now because im waiting for them to stab me in the back and thats how i view people in general. also with the work world i hate it to because i bust my ass, even hurt myself and all i get from every stupid ass manager i have had excpet 2 is im to slow. i lost a lot of weight working warhouse for a club. the weight loss has made me look good but that didnt help my self esteem or confidence.

i see myself as the devil anymore, i feel like all i do is bring people down and ruin relationships and i dont try to, i try my best to be nice but it comes across wrong. i feel like im a huge dissapointment living off my father like i have. shit i havent dated since middle school. i got cheated on and never dated again. i feel like all i have done is what a demon would do. i just wish my existence can be wiped from this earth. i barley get up out of bed anymore and i sometimes just stare at the ceiling for hours. my room is really dark, i cant stand the light, partly because of my seizures. i cant drive so a huge portion of my life is gone.

i just need help, i been seeking it but nothing works. most techniques that help others only back fire on me, because i hate doctors and therapist, because they cant help me and in some cases make it worse with meds. i dont know what to do or turn to anymore, been like this for 2 years now and i just want it to end plz. i used to have friends, i used to care more, i used to laugh and have fun now i just do things to avoid thinking like playing games and blasting music to drown out the bad thoughts. recently injured my knee badly, need to get an mri as it burns and feels unstable because of some bike mechanic. life just sucks anymore and i want that to change because i feel like im in hell being tortured anymore.
 
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Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
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Nov 10, 2019
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10,172
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England
:welcome:
I'm glad you found us. You are amongst friends now and there is always someone around to chat too.

Many of us here have some understanding of how you are feeling. Loneliness, guilt, depression and suicidal thoughts are difficult to cope with but many other members do manage just like you are managing.

I'm sorry for all the difficult times you have had and your current struggle but we will try and support you through this and hopefully to a nicer life.

Things go wrong in life, people leave, pets die, it is painful, but you did your very best, the best you could do. My cat died from cancer also and it was horrific, i feel so much guilt too but am also angry with the vets. I loved her so much and did my best for her, i wish i had been smarter so i could have helped her better but... i didn't have much support. That is the point! without support it is very hard.

Keep writing and see you around
Tawny x
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
10,172
Location
England
Are you taking any medication currently?
 
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