Need some help, advice, anything

[Golbez]

Hello there. I'm a 23, almost 24 year old man from London.
I have been suffering from Panic Disorder, Chronic Anxiety and Hypercondria for over 6 years. I remember my first panic attack like it was yesterday, sitting at a bus stop, out of nowhere, thought i was dying, felt like all my organs were failing one after the other.
So much time has gone by, and i wish i could say im better, but i'm not.
I've been on Chlomipramine for the past 4 years, it's done me well, but in the past month alone, i've gone back up from 30mg to 60mg. Just to numb the anxiety.
I have diazepam prescribed and i use it only when the panic attacks get so much that i can't take it anymore.
My doctors just throw pills at me, i saw a councilor years back, but i didn't find cognitive therapy any help whatsoever, and i really did try.
I'm reaching the end of my tether. I can't function properly. I'm having panic attacks from half an hour after i wake up, until i go to sleep, apart from the time when i'm doped up on 4mg of diazepam. Even then the anxiety is there, i just don't have insane panic attacks.
I dunno where to go anymore, what to do. My girlfriend is so helpful, but she can't do everything for me anymore, she works hard enough, i don't want to put it on her. I haven't even told her how bad its gotten recently, i try to stay positive, at the end of the day, if i get depressed about it, it's going to get worse, so i fight it. Put on a front if need be. Anything. I've tried exercising, getting fit, crying to relieve the stress, drinking alchohol to relieve it. Nothings working anymore, all my old tricks of numbing it (and yes running away from the problem) have stopped working.
So now it's just panic all day, every day.
I'm starting to want to die just to stop the anxiety.
My anxiety is all about my health. I always think i'm going to have a heart attack, or something. I am extremely unfit, 15mins on a crosstrainer in the gym and im spent, and thats at a walking pace.
I want to try and get fit, so i can feel better, maybe that would help, but how can i do that, if as soon as my heartbeat raises the tinyest bit, i go into a fit of panic?
I smoke ciggarettes, i tried to quit, but believe it or not, i started to panic at the feeling of withdrawal....stupid eh?
I rarely go out, i can't get a job, or hold one down, cos i just end up panicking the whole day.
I'm a complete mess.
I'm intelligent, and i have strong willpower, but i can't do it anymore. The will to want to live is going, and the panic is getting worse.
My doctors are being useless, i've contacted the mental health charity Mind, and heard nothing back.

Also something that has really gotten to me recently, is that when i look in the mirror, looking into my own eyes scares the hell out of me.
It can cause a panic attack in an instant, i don't understand it at all.
Does anyone else know of this kind of thing?

Any help is greatly appreciated.

 

[Dollit]

What do you do with your day? Do you do anything at all that makes you concentrate on anything other than what's going on in your body? Whenever I've had a major panic attack I've always gone to my doctor who has distracted me with something - usually asks me to explain something I do within my voluntary work, none of which he understands - until I've felt the panic go.

I know how difficult it is to concentrate on something else but that's what helps me. As for exercise, I walk everywhere. I regularly walk 4 or 5 miles a day and last week on a day trip to London it was probably nearer 9 but I started off just a mile at a time with a target of where I would go and when I would come back. Quite literally a step at a time.

 

[Golbez]

hi

With my day, it really varies what i do.
Alot of the time i just immerse myself in computer games or films, it helps me as my mind isn't thinking about life or whatever. World of Warcraft is the one of choice recently, really get into it and don't think about anything.
If i'm with my girlfriend, we'll do whatever, from going out shopping to chilling out, all sorts of things.
I have a 2 bands which i practice with too. That gets me out and doing stuff, although it can be tough to get out.
It doesn't matter what i do, there is always the anxiety and the smallest things can trigger a full blown panic attack.
I've just got a job, start on thursday, really hoping it will help.

I used to write lyrics or poems while taking walks, although its got to the point that its hard to get the guts to go out for a walk, cos everything i do is having me on edge.

I think i may try to go for a walk tomorrow, see how it goes.

It's driving me mad, and can't stop it. Downward spiral

Thanks for your speedy reply.

 

[Dollit]

You seems to have got caught in a cycle of runaway feedback and the cycle needs to be broken. But with what I'm not sure. I use a technique called mindfulness. You start of with guided meditation and then you can practise it where ever you are. It's very good for concentrating the mind in the moment and allowing you to have that moment. You can get more information here www.bangor.ac.uk/mindfulness or there are free ten minute podcasts on iTunes - just search mindfulness.

 

[Golbez]

thanks

ill take a look at it tomorrow.
i read an article in the guardian written by a panic attack sufferer.
says how good meditation is.
problem is i also suffer from ADHD and have done all my life, and i have a stupidly overactive mind, so relaxation techniques and meditation are hard for me.
Im off to bed now, the anxiety is getting to me, tight chest all day.
Thanks again

 

[Dollit]

Okay, I see what you mean but mindfulness isn't quite like anything else. I was very skeptical about it too.