Need some advice

[Sarahd81]

Hello everyone
I’m really looking for some advice and I apologise in advance for the long post.

My ex boyfriend has a history of depression but refuses to seek medical help. About 7 weeks ago things at work got stressful and he went into a downward spiral towards depression. I could see it slowly coming on day by day. Before that he had 5 months of happiness, the longest I’ve ever known.

His behaviour over the past 6 weeks has at times been vile towards me. He seemed constantly angry at me and would be hot and cold, one day he loved me and the next he would ignore me for days and said he didn’t want to get back together.

I’ve also caught him lying over really stupid things, is this a symptom of depression or is he just being shady with me. He also claims to not remember things that have happened.

I am starting to wonder whether he is really playing me or whether his erratic behaviour is a symptom of his depression. I’ve tried to support him but his behaviour has made me quite ill now too.

I stopped talking to him last weekend and last week was the nicest he has been. He’s back to saying he wants me but he never seems to be able to commit or to spend time with me (he comes to my house in the evening but never stays etc)

I guess I am trying to ask is this the depression or is he just playing me? I’m so hurt and confused but I don’t want to abandon him.

 

[Ian Haines]

Sadly, what you've described, in his behaviours, are just as likely to surface in a person with no depressive condition at all...just anger issues. They can certainly show up during a guy's depression, yes, but you don't need clinically diagnosed depression to see his behaviours. The real him, I'd guess, is the one who is at his best behaviour while with you, or in contact with you.

The other him?.....I don't know. Stage 1 might be to get him admit to his darker, more silent and angry times. If you can get him to admit that he has these behaviours, you've at least made a start against male ego and your present "everybody-else-is-to-blame-for-everything" deadlock!

 

[Sarahd81]

Thank you so much for your reply. He’s definitely depressed as he’s not sleeping, has put on a lot of weight, he struggles with work etc.

Do you think I’m excusing his behaviour because of depression and actually he’s just not being very nice to me/is using me?

I’ve made myself so I’ll trying to be there for him as I worry what he will do if I cut him loose.

I just don’t know what to do for the best.

 

[Ian Haines]

One way of behaving would far too closely resemble the other, so you're unlikely to tell which real feelings are behind his behaviour. Get him trapped on the subject of his moods, angers and silences - but, remember...angry people can get violent, really quickly. Do you worry (if you cut him loose) what he will do to you?...or, to himself? It's usually one more than the other.

 

[Zero One]

Hello everyone
I’m really looking for some advice and I apologise in advance for the long post.

My ex boyfriend has a history of depression but refuses to seek medical help. About 7 weeks ago things at work got stressful and he went into a downward spiral towards depression. I could see it slowly coming on day by day. Before that he had 5 months of happiness, the longest I’ve ever known.

His behaviour over the past 6 weeks has at times been vile towards me. He seemed constantly angry at me and would be hot and cold, one day he loved me and the next he would ignore me for days and said he didn’t want to get back together.

I’ve also caught him lying over really stupid things, is this a symptom of depression or is he just being shady with me. He also claims to not remember things that have happened.

I am starting to wonder whether he is really playing me or whether his erratic behaviour is a symptom of his depression. I’ve tried to support him but his behaviour has made me quite ill now too.

I stopped talking to him last weekend and last week was the nicest he has been. He’s back to saying he wants me but he never seems to be able to commit or to spend time with me (he comes to my house in the evening but never stays etc)

I guess I am trying to ask is this the depression or is he just playing me? I’m so hurt and confused but I don’t want to abandon him.

He sounds bipolar, but I am not a professional. I have bipolar I but my depressive symptoms are more in memory problems than in mood. I hate depressed mood. I can also flip from calm to extremely angry depending on what is happening...there has to be something to make me angry even if it is my own misunderstanding. But the highs and lows are typical of bipolar. Hope he gets help. If he gets the right meds it can really make a difference.