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Need some advice on if this is wrong or right?

A

A97HATTER

Active member
Joined
Nov 17, 2016
Messages
35
Hi all, would be great to hear some opinions.
So I've been with my bf for 10years nearly now and I don't speak to any of my old friends that are male as he gets extremely jealous which isn't a problem. But one of my friends from about 5 years ago got in contact with me asking how I am etc and my bf had ago at him for asking if I was single or in a relationship.
Anyway that was a year ago, I haven't spoken to him since but my bf saw him the other day and reminded me that I haven't spoken to him for a while. I thought to myself today I'll just message my friend and ask about his job as I'm trying to help my bf out. And just to see how my friend is.
My question is should I feel guilty for messaging my friend? I'm getting extreme anxiety thinking about it. Should I tell my bf I've messaged my friend just because he's male? As I wouldn't tell him every time I message a female friend?
If I don't tell him and he sees I've messaged him he will probably go mental and say I'm hiding things? ANXIETYYYY

my mum has said don't message him to keep the peace but I feel like I should be able to talk to my friends? Male or female.

But I don't want my friend to get shouted at by my bf nor do I want him to get beaten up.

What do I do.
 
exyz

exyz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 14, 2017
Messages
2,773
I would say that if you have a boyfriend who beats people up.. then he has a problem and not you.
And maybe that is something to think about?:hug1:
 
A

A97HATTER

Active member
Joined
Nov 17, 2016
Messages
35
It's definitely not me with the problem in terms of having friends of the opposite gender, but I feel like a lot of people think it's wrong? And the way in which my boyfriend reacts (right or wrong) does that mean I shouldn't have male friends? Is it wrong not to tell him I've messaged my male friend? As friends? It's a difficult one
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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Joined
Dec 26, 2015
Messages
9,385
Location
basketville
It's definitely not me with the problem in terms of having friends of the opposite gender, but I feel like a lot of people think it's wrong? And the way in which my boyfriend reacts (right or wrong) does that mean I shouldn't have male friends? Is it wrong not to tell him I've messaged my male friend? As friends? It's a difficult one
just a random thought i wonder if he has female friends? your relationship sounds in a word - controlling- as to what your bf "allowes" you to do
 
A

A97HATTER

Active member
Joined
Nov 17, 2016
Messages
35
Thank you for your replies.
I agree completely I'm not completely delusion and unaware of that but the thing is I only let him control me because of my anxiety and OCD before my anxiety and OCD I didn't. That's why I'm asking for advice to reassure my anxiety - trouble is when I do something not because of my bf but because of my anxiety I believe I'm doing something wrong. If I didn't have anxiety I wouldn't care what he said?
Does that make more sense?
 
Passionflower

Passionflower

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2011
Messages
1,397
Location
UK
You are not doing anything wrong. He is being unreasonable and controlling.It is perfectly reasonable to have friends of the opposite sex and is definitely not 'wrong'.
 
dermild

dermild

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 19, 2017
Messages
187
Sometimes there is projection, based on guilt.

For example, when I was with my ex-wife, she would accuse me of cheating on her constantly. Sometimes it was just sniffing me at the door when I got home, and other times it was more aggressive and threatening.

I was not cheating, so I wondered why this was going on. I would find out that she was having sex with her first ex-husband in exchange for cash and other favors.

Maybe he doesn't want YOU having discussions with members of the opposite sex because of discussions that HE is having with members of the opposite sex.

Just one possibility of what could be going on.
 
NeedHaldol

NeedHaldol

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 8, 2017
Messages
185
My wife has a few gay friends she is close to along with a few best friends.

She emails and talks to men, but they are work colleagues. If she ever does talk to other men, she explains how she knows them because she is acutely aware of my paranoia.

I don't feel like I control her. She goes on trips and outings with her friends. (She is taking a trip to Vegas soon and went on a cruise with her family - I passed on that trip) I used to go out with my best friend on nights out and get completely trashed. She didn't mind that.

I know for a fact she would never cheat on me.

Now we have moved to where her family is because my family situation is all screwed up - too much to get into here.

We both don't talk to our exes - they are exes for a reason.

We spend a lot of time together and love it.

In my profession, I have to go out to parties and bars (I am a DJ) and she knows women hit on me, but knows I would never cheat on her either. We love each other to the point where we don't think other people can understand it.

I know that sounds weird, but we have been through so much together, our bond is unbreakable. We have been through hospitalizations, therapists, med changes, depression, acute paranoia, psychiatrists, multiple jobs I couldn't hold down, death of loved ones, changing our wedding date because I was in the hospital, and then of course all the good stuff.

Before my dad passed on his birthday, I told him early on in the relationship that she was who I was going to marry. We just knew.
 
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