Need some advice on dealing with grief by suicide

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Somethinguninventive

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Hi guys,

This is my first post so I'm not really used to the formalities, but I have abit of a f**ked up situation on my hands which I could really use some help with from someone who's been through something similar.

So I've suffered from depression and anxiety since I was a child, I've had what my therapist likes to call an 'unfortunate life'.
But the thing that really broke me recently was a guy I met, we got on instantly and started dating straight away. He was perfect and the relationship was perfect for those 2months and we did so much together. He painted a pretty picture of how things were going to be and it seemed like a dream come true considering my previous relationships had been very abusive and manipulative.
Until one day, he snapped. He turned on me and was horrible to me. The abuse was like nothing I've ever received before, he broke up with me and gave me hell for 2weeks. He then wanted to meet up, and when we did he admitted that he had pretty serious mental health problems and had previously tried to kill himself many times and that he couldn't be with me cuz he was too messed up, but asked me to give him time to sort his head out because he lives me and wanted us to be together.
He had BPD, and I am an empath. He is the third guy I've dated that has BPD, which I don't think is a coincidence.
Now for the next 4/5months he used me as a emotional punching bag to feel better about himself because he knew I loved him, every time I tried to walk away because it hurt too much he would tell me that he was going to kill himself so I couldn't. It was torture. I loved him so much and all I wanted was to look after him and be apart of his life and he wouldn't let me.
He saw me again 4months after we split. He used me for sex and when I told him I still loved him, he cut me off completely after months and months of abuse.
I had 2 other occasions where he contacted me after that but I blocked him because I was sick of being depressed and hung up over someone who clearly didn't want me. The last time he was giving me shit and told me he was in hospital after attempting suicide.

This was in April 2018. June 2018 I started dating a guy that I've been friends with for a long time, because I'd started feeling like I was ready for a relationship again. On September 8th 2018 I received a message to say that my ex had killed himself on the 20th of August, and that I was invited to his memorial.

I have no words, for how I felt or how I still feel.

It's been 6months since he passed and in that time I've had to quit my job because of how mentally unstable I've been, me and my boyfriend are really struggling, my family don't want to be around me anymore. My doctor is threatening to have me hospitalised, I can barely eat or sleep. I just hurt so much inside all the time and am having constant suicidal thoughts.

I don't know what to do, I feel so lost and confused.
I don't know if I should leave my boyfriend to spare him the pain of what I'm doing to myself.
I don't want it to come to me being hospitalised but I've just been getting worse and worse for the last 6months and I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this.

The memory of him was painful enough but the fact he's gone, I just don't know if I can deal with it I really don't...

P.s. I'm pretty upset whilst writing this, there's alot of details I've left out but I don't mind answering questions
 
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dewey

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he would tell me that he was going to kill himself so I couldn't.
Characteristic controlling behaviour.

My doctor is threatening to have me hospitalised, I can barely eat or sleep. I just hurt so much inside all the time and am having constant suicidal thoughts.
I don't know what to do, I feel so lost and confused.
I don't know if I should leave my boyfriend to spare him the pain of what I'm doing to myself.
I don't want it to come to me being hospitalised but I've just been getting worse and worse for the last 6months and I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this.
Well, I relate to a lot of what you said because I've been in a similar position, not exactly the same, e.g. there was no actual suicide, but similar. I do truly feel bad for you, not in a pitying way, just pure empathy and I hope you receive that.
I imagine it is probably really difficult for you right now to confront or think about what lay behind this whole story that played out, but I think you probably need to. A good therapist, reaching out to others and reading books could really help you.
The whole thing you said about you having a tricky time even before this relationship started, hits home. I take it a lot of your relationships or experiences (be they familial, romantic, friendship or otherwise) were unhealthy and through them, at such a young age, you learnt unhealthy ideas about what 'love' is, and thus you were probably subconsciously attracted to certain people, and your later relationships replicated the kind of relationships you knew at a formative age. I think in this situation, you probably need to 're-learn' how love should be and surround yourself with non-toxic people - cut out all the toxic ones.
I get about you not wanting to be hospitalised but I'm actually glad you have a doctor who is aware of how you are feeling, and maybe a long break and recovery (whether that's in hospital or not) is what you need right now. You need to process what's happened and come to terms with it, and find new focuses. Just because you are in a lot of pain, doesn't mean suicide is the answer. I think you need to learn to get to know yourself better, and observe the kind of relationship patterns you have been behaving with, and get to build a good support network that will actually be there for you. A good therapist could really help you. This will be a very long process, but you can heal. We need time to heal though. Make it your longterm life objective to heal and become wiser. Being in a relationship may not be the best thing for you right now, in my opinion.
Additionally you may find it helpful to see a grief therapist or read books on grieving.
You will over come this with time, and gain new perspective and deeper understandings.
I hope this has helped somewhat and that others on here will be able to shed light.
 
Mayflower7

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Hi,
I'm terribly sorry for your loss, please don't blame yourself.
Have you tried any counselling? Here to listen.
I lost my grandad to suicide and my dad died recently, so I really do understand.
Take care Hun
 
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Somethinguninventive

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I've been seeing councillors and therapists on and off for years, I started seeing someone to have stage 3 CBT therapy but they discontinued me from the service for now because 'I'm too unstable'. I'm currently seeing the crisis team but it's one appointment a month if I'm lucky, and they're the kind of people that point you in the right direction but I'm not considered high risk enough to be top priority so I just feel like I'm being passed around and having tablets chucked at me. I've tried every SSRI there is and none of them have worked for me.
And I'm not considered high risk because I haven't got any plans/have tried to kill myself yet, May I add that I have told them the only reason I am still here is because my mum and best friend tried to commit suicide and now my ex has, I know how much it hurts and I wouldn't be able to put anyone else through that, especially not my dad. But because I'm intelligent and empathetic enough to not act on it I'm not being taken seriously.

I know I have a tendency to get into bad relationships and that is pretty much it, that and the fact I'm incredibly self depreciating and depressed but also very empathetic which is where I think the whole attracting people with BPD comes from, because I am very patient and empathetic towards people that most wouldn't be. I've tried to grow a thicker skin and my current boyfriend isn't abusive at all, but he does suffer from mental health problems too and I can't help but feel like I'm far too confused and conflicted to work on myself and our relationship at the same time, and I can tell my moods are effecting him alot.
I don't really know what to do at this point, I've contacted a grief counselling place but I'm just on another waiting list.

Thank you for your kind words though friends
 
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dewey

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I've been seeing councillors and therapists on and off for years, I started seeing someone to have stage 3 CBT therapy but they discontinued me from the service for now because 'I'm too unstable'. I'm currently seeing the crisis team but it's one appointment a month if I'm lucky, and they're the kind of people that point you in the right direction but I'm not considered high risk enough to be top priority so I just feel like I'm being passed around and having tablets chucked at me. I've tried every SSRI there is and none of them have worked for me.
And I'm not considered high risk because I haven't got any plans/have tried to kill myself yet, May I add that I have told them the only reason I am still here is because my mum and best friend tried to commit suicide and now my ex has, I know how much it hurts and I wouldn't be able to put anyone else through that, especially not my dad. But because I'm intelligent and empathetic enough to not act on it I'm not being taken seriously.

I know I have a tendency to get into bad relationships and that is pretty much it, that and the fact I'm incredibly self depreciating and depressed but also very empathetic which is where I think the whole attracting people with BPD comes from, because I am very patient and empathetic towards people that most wouldn't be. I've tried to grow a thicker skin and my current boyfriend isn't abusive at all, but he does suffer from mental health problems too and I can't help but feel like I'm far too confused and conflicted to work on myself and our relationship at the same time, and I can tell my moods are effecting him alot.
I don't really know what to do at this point, I've contacted a grief counselling place but I'm just on another waiting list.

Thank you for your kind words though friends
Yep, I always felt this, if it's something more extreme like acting on suicidal thoughts or self harming, you're somehow seen as higher priority and taken more seriously, which I get in a way because they have budgets and all that and need to triage people, but at the same time, just because someone isn't actively trying doesn't mean they aren't in the same amount of pain.

Yeah, I can relate to being self deprecating and depressed haha. Actually my friend I met would never allow me to be self deprecating even as a joke, then I think I stopped saying self deprecating stuff. But I still don't feel great about myself.

Sorry you're on another waiting list. Maybe just try posting here for advice til you get any more help.

You seem like a cool person, I hope you begin to like yourself more and realise the bad things that happen to you shouldn't cause you to feel in any way guilty.
 
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Somethinguninventive

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That's the sad truth :( unfortunately I have/do self harm, but apparently because I don't have plans, I'm an adult and that's my decision to do that to myself. Which I must say was a slap in the face!

I understand your friend is probably trying to discourage negative behaviour, but in my experience it takes allot for someone to even make a joke about being depressed. So with my friends if they wanna cry, shout, be angry or whatever when I'm around they can because I'm there to listen to whatever they have to say, but if they start putting themselves down or doubting themselves I will step in haha.
Least you have this forum to make as many existancial jokes as you want (they're my favourite lol)

Thank you though, I appreciate that considering the only thing you know of me is trauma lol

You've really helped take the weight off tonight, I hope you are well :)
 
Mayflower7

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Hi,
I'm so sorry your experiences have been bad, it's terrible your mental health care trust aren't taking you seriously.
Have a look at the self-harm section, it might help you.
Take care
 
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Somethinguninventive

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Unfortunately I guess that's just the result of the strain the NHS are under, thank you for your sympathy though
Still trying to navigate my way through at the moment lol :)
 
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dewey

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Yeah, it's unbelievable how much misunderstanding there still is around mental health issues and that people aren't treated with the seriousness they deserve. Also a lot of the modern ways of doing therapy aren't as effective as they could be and there's a lot of room for improvement.

I'm actually really genuinely sorry you feel that way and I wish people in general didn't feel that way, it's just sad really that people are so harsh on themselves but equally the same people are some of the kindest to others.

I feel glad to have helped. It's actually weird how helpful it is for people with mental health problems to talk to others with mental health problems online. You'd think they wouldn't be able to help each other or give advice, but actually they really can, they just seem to struggle a bit with helping themselves.

I'm doing okay, I have been generally functioning pretty well for over a week, but am just feeling a bit bleak about the future, living in an expensive city and thinking how the hell am I gonna be able to get enough money to move out from my parents house (the hell I need to!) and live the kind of life I want. Feeling a bit self loathing in that way because I know I'm the kind of person who doesn't really fit into 'the system'. #fightclub haha. So I feel a bit bleak because I'm only currently doing part time work which just isn't going to work out long term. And I get really f*king lonely. My friends I used to work with are all busy working and I feel quite let down that a lot of them aren't so good about meeting and keeping in touch because they're busy. That's probably me being clingy haha. I know I need to get out there and meet new people I just find it so hard, especially when I've got all these nerves like I need to get a proper job and feel I'm not active enough in doing so. But yeah, I will try to have a more constructive day tomorrow. I'm glad to be talking to you and to have been here for you.
 
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dewey

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Just realised I totally made that last post about me... feel free to message if you want to talk about things :)
 
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Somethinguninventive

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No no it's okay! I attempted to get an early night last night lol.

You've made some good points there! I think people with mental health problems tend to be the most empathetic and that's because we understand what each other are going through, whereas a doctor who's never been depressed isn't going to understand what it feels like.
I'm definitely one of those people who is alot nicer to everyone else than I am to myself, but least I'm not horrible to everyone lol.

Do you live in the US?
I guess remind yourself of all the small things you've achieved, it will feel daughting if you look at the bigger picture rather than the steps it'll take to get there.
I get what you mean with my seeing your friends, I'm not working currently and all my friends do so it is hard but it also makes you appreciate your time with them more. I really struggle to be around other people for long periods of time, so my friends have to keep reminding me to actually leave the house and see them lol.
Maybe go to some groups or events to try and find people that are into the same things as you? It's hard to make new friends, I always find a new job is a good way to meet people, might give you a fresh perspective too.

Hope you're doing well today, better than I at least lol
 
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