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Need some advice, assault related (a little graphic)

B

biggerdandy

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 5, 2014
Messages
196
This is from a while back, as I have tried to block this out and minimalize the incident as not being so bad, but since Ive been in councelling for OCD and depression, one thing's come up about when I began getting extremely over vigilante in personal security and locking up everything I own.

When I was at uni, I was in dorms with five people, one of them was a girl who liked me, but I wasnt really interested. One time I was in my room asleep and forgot to lock the door and she came in and started touching me while I was asleep. I woke up and froze up because her hand was in my pants and she asked me if she could go further. I didnt respond because honestly, I thought I was having a panic attack and felt really confused. Part of me had wanted to have sex, but not with her, and I wasnt sure if I wanted to go along with it, but I couldnt say yes or agree to any of it. She started moving up towards using her mouth and somehow I managed to push her off me and stop it there, but for a while after, I kept wanting to block the whole thing out, I felt quite violated, and that it was somehow my fault. I kept wondering if I'd just been assaulted or if I'd led her on or if I was just regretting it or what. It was only once and she backed off not long after.

I never really knew what to do after then. As time went on staying in the same dorm, she got a boyfriend, and in time she backed off from me. I sometimes still see her around sometimes at uni still but I have this weird feeling about the whole thing. You could say these days as time's gone on we get on ok now, but at the same time, that experience back then leaves me feeling disgusted, violated and quite uncomfortable.

Since it came up in counselling that this happened, it's reopened the sense of low self esteem I had, and it might explain some of my sexual anxiety problems and worries. I got into a state of being very obsessive about locking doors, home security, protecting my possessions etc. Thing is, I cant tell for certain if that was a proper sexual assault or not, I know it just really made me feel violated and I didn't say yes, instead I froze.

Anyone mind helping me with this? It's been about four years since then, so there's nothing that can really be done except helping me come to terms with it. Are there any good resources or things I can do now to help myself?
 
myownveryone

myownveryone

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 20, 2011
Messages
334
Location
South West
You have every right to feel how you do. It's good she stopped when you had the courage to stop her, but you did not consent. You did not want it. In my opinion that means it's assault. I know the way you're feeling. When I was 14, I lost my virginity to a 22 year old who didn't exactly ask, but I didn't exactly try and stop him all that much either. It doesn't make it okay though. I'm still struggling to come to terms with my experience but I see it as this. If I had a child, and the same thing happened to my child, would I still think it's okay. If the answer is no, it wasn't okay.

You will blame yourself, because it's a part of the process, but know it isn't your fault. Even if you did lead her on, what she did still wouldn't be okay. Unless there's full consent, it's not consentual, and therefore assult/rape depending on how far it goes.

As for seeking help, I'm not too sure. I'm sure your GP would be able to recommend some places, or your mental health worker. I live in Cornwall, and they run a special rape councilling service. Maybe there's something like that where you are?

4 years is a long time to carry this around. You're not alone.
 
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