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Need some advice about my bipolar wife.

L

Last70

New member
Joined
Oct 27, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Charlotte NC
Me and my wife are currently separated for 3 months. We have been together for 8 years and married for 3. She was diagnosed bipolar about 4 years into our relationship. For the past year her drinking got really bad and around last January she stopped taking her medication. Things went down hill from there. I got in a bad depression just dealing with everything then got sent home from work for 3 months during the covid crisis. She had a bunch of things happen towards the beginning of June that sent her further downhill. Her drinking got worse. She moved out at the end of August siting that I was the problem and she needed to try to find her happiness. Of course I told her not to leave. And just talking it didn’t seem like the decision she wanted to make. But she moved out a week later. So I started getting myself together and got back to a good place where I need to be. After she moved out she was already dating somebody within a week. And he is the complete opposite of me has three baby mamas and lives in a trailer and works third shift. And one of her complaints was that I work too much and was never there. But all her family members have reached out to me And asked me what’s going on with her and the decisions she is making do not seem like her whatsoever. They think she is making a huge mistake with the guy she’s dating and just in general With all the decision she’s made lately. We still talk want to twice a week and she still calls me when she’s super depressed and tells me she doesn’t know how to do life without me and then it’s a complete 180 2 days later she says she needs space. She has been posting pictures with this guy and two of his kids on Snapchat and Facebook all the time from what I’ve heard and her friends say she does not look good. Basically they all say that she completely downgraded leaving me and going to this guy and he is not anywhere close to her type. I still try to be there for her when I can but can only do so much if she’s dating somebody else I have to move on with my life at some point. My big thing is I don’t know where to go from here of course I would love to have my wife back. But I don’t know how to get to that point or what the best course of action is. In the end I just worry about her well-being. And she has threatened scuicide in the past but I’ve always been there to help her thru it. She has pushed away a lot of people that care about her and she has moments of clarity when we talk where she seams to regret the decision to leave but seems to not know how to come back. I assume this relationship she’s in is just to not deal with the pain of the break up and so she doesn’t have to be by herself all the time. But it’s definitely not healthy. Like I said I’d like my wife that but whether we get back together or not I just want to make sure she’s gonna be OK.
 
Hello513

Hello513

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Joined
Jan 24, 2018
Messages
2,452
Location
THE DEATH STAR.
Me and my wife are currently separated for 3 months. We have been together for 8 years and married for 3. She was diagnosed bipolar about 4 years into our relationship. For the past year her drinking got really bad and around last January she stopped taking her medication. Things went down hill from there. I got in a bad depression just dealing with everything then got sent home from work for 3 months during the covid crisis. She had a bunch of things happen towards the beginning of June that sent her further downhill. Her drinking got worse. She moved out at the end of August siting that I was the problem and she needed to try to find her happiness. Of course I told her not to leave. And just talking it didn’t seem like the decision she wanted to make. But she moved out a week later. So I started getting myself together and got back to a good place where I need to be. After she moved out she was already dating somebody within a week. And he is the complete opposite of me has three baby mamas and lives in a trailer and works third shift. And one of her complaints was that I work too much and was never there. But all her family members have reached out to me And asked me what’s going on with her and the decisions she is making do not seem like her whatsoever. They think she is making a huge mistake with the guy she’s dating and just in general With all the decision she’s made lately. We still talk want to twice a week and she still calls me when she’s super depressed and tells me she doesn’t know how to do life without me and then it’s a complete 180 2 days later she says she needs space. She has been posting pictures with this guy and two of his kids on Snapchat and Facebook all the time from what I’ve heard and her friends say she does not look good. Basically they all say that she completely downgraded leaving me and going to this guy and he is not anywhere close to her type. I still try to be there for her when I can but can only do so much if she’s dating somebody else I have to move on with my life at some point. My big thing is I don’t know where to go from here of course I would love to have my wife back. But I don’t know how to get to that point or what the best course of action is. In the end I just worry about her well-being. And she has threatened scuicide in the past but I’ve always been there to help her thru it. She has pushed away a lot of people that care about her and she has moments of clarity when we talk where she seams to regret the decision to leave but seems to not know how to come back. I assume this relationship she’s in is just to not deal with the pain of the break up and so she doesn’t have to be by herself all the time. But it’s definitely not healthy. Like I said I’d like my wife that but whether we get back together or not I just want to make sure she’s gonna be OK.
Sorry you are going through this. In the end you cannot make other peoples choices for them. They have to learn for themselves. My advice is don't try to win her back as that may only drive her further away. Instead let her come back on her own if she wants too, and if she doesn't than I am afraid there is nothing you can do. If you can bear the pain of being in contact with her still while she is seeing someone else something I know is difficult all you can do is be there for her, and maybe she will come to her senses when she realizes you still take time for her. However I would strongly caution against actively trying to win her back as I have done this in the past and it has always blown up in my face. Best wishes.
 
L

Last70

New member
Joined
Oct 27, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Charlotte NC
Yes I have distanced myself a lot from her here lately. But I still talk to her friends and family weekly. I am not trying to win her back and I told her I need some space from the situation. She said she didn’t want to loose me but I said that’s how things are going to end up. I made sure she new that if she really needed me and things got bad I would be here. I always have been. Honestly me and my family have been her only stable support system for the past eight years. And really me not contacting her for technically being up her ass gets to her after a week or so and then she breaks down and calls me crying. But I see only thing that seems to work for her to talk about stuff. So I’m gonna keep my distance but still be in the background she’s got a doctors appointment tomorrow finally and hopefully gets back on medication. I just know when she comes out of it she’s going to look at all the choices she’s made and what she’s doing and probably not feel too good about herself. I know this woman better than I know myself sometimes or she even knows her self. Basically I’m gonna work on myself and if anything’s gonna change her mind me doing better will know if she can just get over that mental block of we can’t be back together again. A few of her friends have even told me that she said she doesn’t know how to live without me there but she just won’t commit to coming back for whatever reason
 
HLon99

HLon99

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Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
423
Location
London, UK
Listen pal, I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but some distance between you and her right now is absolutely the correct thing to do. You need to prioritise your own mental wellbeing. I know you care very deeply about her and want what's best for her, but from what you say I do not think that this feeling is mutual. She's with this other guy to indulge her more hedonistic needs and to make you jealous, simultaneously using and manipulating you as a crutch for her emotional and psychological issues, because you are a strong, hardworking figure and because she knows she can as you care unconditionally for her. And this is a really shitty thing to do, and her mental health absolutely does not excuse this. I've went through a similar experience with an ex-girlfriend and I can tell you that the only cure is to shut that person out completely from your life. Once you are free from her, you will realise the hold that she had on your life, and how relieved you are that your no longer weighed down by that burden.

Wish you all the best, and if you need a chat feel free.

-H
 
K

keith74

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 14, 2020
Messages
205
Location
Canada
Last70 - sorry to hear of your plight. It is really tough. I am going through a similar situation, though not as bad. My wife is going through a manic episode and it has been brutal to the point where I need to put some distance between us for my own good. I am planning on finding a separate place of my own so I can have some peace. HLon99 is correct that she could be manipulating your kindness. I feel my wife is doing a bit of that right now and I have had enough.
 
U

User76564

Member
Joined
Nov 14, 2020
Messages
21
Location
Se1
So sorry to hear, these talks are so depressing, as you may have seen my fiancé (or was fiancé) has decided to come off her meds and I am enemy No.1, she will not hear what I am saying but I am awaiting the intervention team. I guess my problem is after my past and now this with my fiancé I just cannot and perhaps do not want to see a life ahead without her, in fact I cannot see starting again full stop.
 
I

itsmeagain

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Joined
Dec 25, 2010
Messages
738
Location
england
Last70.
I feel you should just let her go.
She has capacity to make decision and she's walked out on you.
Move on.
 
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