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Need some advice about a man with depression (I am depressed too)

  • Thread starter Someone Far Away
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S

Someone Far Away

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Hello everyone. Awhile ago I came across a lovely man who was depressed and I decided to engage him and we began speaking. We are both depressed and in bad situations. We began talking, and things moved quite quickly. He had a "girlfriend" sort of. Over seas, never met her was only together for less than a month and she treated him horribly. He would tell me it's over it's over, but then say I need to give her another chance because I'm a good guy and believe in chances. But then say I've had it with her, yada yada. Anyways, we grew close quite rapidly. He began saying if he was single he would snatch me up, asked me if I would be with him a few times, flirting etc. Told me how awesome and sweet I was to him etc. So one day while he was getting ready for work he made a joke, sexual, we laughed then he said I need to be professional about my relationship but you know i like you so much. Forward 10 minutes later he says to me he needs to be alone and will be basically ignoring me. I was confused so i let him be and called him 2 days later. I assumed he did this because of this chick but he said no, it was because he was in a very bad place in his mind incredibly depressed and didnt want to hurt me. Said he did have feelings for me but things wouldn't work right now and did not want to hurt me by continuing on to make my feelings for him grow stronger. I totally understand that. He said to give him time to be alone. Now, i also suffer from depression for a very long time, probably my entire life. I generally hate everyone and want no one around me EXCEPT for those that make me laugh and treat me good, which was actually only him, at this point in my life. So i dont understand the ignoring me part, as I wouldn't do that to him. Anyways I have respected his wishes, but I do once a day send him a funny video or meme or music just to let him know I didnt just disappear on him, which he responds with a laughing emoji or whatnot. Now this is the first time I have dealt with this and wanted to know is there a rough timeline on how long it will take him to return? He said he will, I believe he will. I would just like to know a week, month, year etc as this has brought me way back down into my black bottomless depression pit. It has been 6 days so far. If he doesnt call me soon should I reach out to him in like a week and just say "hey hon just wanted to see how you're feeling/doing?" And if he responds, "better," just say good, I am glad you are getting better and I hope you overcome this soon, take care. And leave it there? What I mean is should I reach out or not, in a week, even though he said me talking to him is making it worse for him because he knows I want more and he doesnt know what he wants despite all the good things he said to me and wanting to be with me. I know he is very confused but i dont want to make it worse by me just asking how he is doing without wanting a full on conversation, just a simple hey buddy.

Sorry this is long thank you for the help. Take care.
 
miss_sensitivity

miss_sensitivity

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:welcome: This sounds like a very confusing situation for you both. Unfortunately, I don't think there is necessarily a right answer. Everyone uses space and time in different ways, some needing more of both than others. I think the most important thing to do is to respect his wishes. In the bigger scheme of things, six days is not a long time (although I completely understand in a time like this it can feel like forever!). After a week I think it's okay to send a message saying hello, just checking in that you're okay etc.. but I wouldn't push it too far if it seems like that's not what he wants just yet.

Due to this other woman in his life, I think it would be respectful to let him sort his feelings around that situation first. You will feel better in the end for respecting the boundaries too.

I hope this helps, and I hope you both can find happiness in the right ways soon :hug:
 
S

Someone Far Away

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:welcome: This sounds like a very confusing situation for you both. Unfortunately, I don't think there is necessarily a right answer. Everyone uses space and time in different ways, some needing more of both than others. I think the most important thing to do is to respect his wishes. In the bigger scheme of things, six days is not a long time (although I completely understand in a time like this it can feel like forever!). After a week I think it's okay to send a message saying hello, just checking in that you're okay etc.. but I wouldn't push it too far if it seems like that's not what he wants just yet.

Due to this other woman in his life, I think it would be respectful to let him sort his feelings around that situation first. You will feel better in the end for respecting the boundaries too.

I hope this helps, and I hope you both can find happiness in the right ways soon :hug:
Thank you so much for responding. I agree with what you said. I'm just afraid, lonely and depressed which all this made 100 times worse. When things became intense, I wouldn't really respond and would back off a bit telling him he had a gf and I'm trying to respect that but his response would either be they were done or he would just continue. I do feel used. That feeling of first meeting someone that you have so much in common with and want it to go further, was how I felt. I just dont know if he truly felt that too, or again if I was just a mechanism to make him feel good for awhile. It is all very weird. I am pretty sure he is done with her. I cant imagine, at least for me, to say I need to alone then ignore one person while going around the neighbourhood talking to everyone else. I do hope he comes back, and soon. I truly thinks he needs someone to love and cherish him, as he repeated that to me many times in the beginning. She lives in another country which is I know difficult on him. I just dont want to mess anything up from just sending him little memes and funny videos or even asking if he is getting better and I also dont want to be "ignored" for weeks or even months. Like I said I am severely depressed as well. Maybe I am being selfish, I am not trying to be but I have respected his wishes despite these 6 days feeling like 6 months. 😔😔😔
 
M

Mistral

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I did not
Thank you so much for responding. I agree with what you said. I'm just afraid, lonely and depressed which all this made 100 times worse. When things became intense, I wouldn't really respond and would back off a bit telling him he had a gf and I'm trying to respect that but his response would either be they were done or he would just continue. I do feel used. That feeling of first meeting someone that you have so much in common with and want it to go further, was how I felt. I just dont know if he truly felt that too, or again if I was just a mechanism to make him feel good for awhile. It is all very weird. I am pretty sure he is done with her. I cant imagine, at least for me, to say I need to alone then ignore one person while going around the neighbourhood talking to everyone else. I do hope he comes back, and soon. I truly thinks he needs someone to love and cherish him, as he repeated that to me many times in the beginning. She lives in another country which is I know difficult on him. I just dont want to mess anything up from just sending him little memes and funny videos or even asking if he is getting better and I also dont want to be "ignored" for weeks or even months. Like I said I am severely depressed as well. Maybe I am being selfish, I am not trying to be but I have respected his wishes despite these 6 days feeling like 6 months. 😔😔😔
" I truly thinks he needs someone to love and cherish him, as he repeated that to me many times in the beginning"

I would be cautious. This sounds like a demand or something that he has found just works to keep women interested in him.
 
S

Someone Far Away

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Actually I think he is still with this chick... she's liking his posts as of today. I may be reading into it but okay I guess that was that. Another failure and stab in the back. What else is new. Guess I'll ask him if we ever talk again. Here I am waiting. God i hope i am not reading into this.
 
miss_sensitivity

miss_sensitivity

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Thank you so much for responding. I agree with what you said. I'm just afraid, lonely and depressed which all this made 100 times worse. When things became intense, I wouldn't really respond and would back off a bit telling him he had a gf and I'm trying to respect that but his response would either be they were done or he would just continue. I do feel used. That feeling of first meeting someone that you have so much in common with and want it to go further, was how I felt. I just dont know if he truly felt that too, or again if I was just a mechanism to make him feel good for awhile. It is all very weird. I am pretty sure he is done with her. I cant imagine, at least for me, to say I need to alone then ignore one person while going around the neighbourhood talking to everyone else. I do hope he comes back, and soon. I truly thinks he needs someone to love and cherish him, as he repeated that to me many times in the beginning. She lives in another country which is I know difficult on him. I just dont want to mess anything up from just sending him little memes and funny videos or even asking if he is getting better and I also dont want to be "ignored" for weeks or even months. Like I said I am severely depressed as well. Maybe I am being selfish, I am not trying to be but I have respected his wishes despite these 6 days feeling like 6 months. 😔😔😔
:hug: I feel for you. I know the feelings you talk of so well. Are there any groups/clubs/classes in your area you could join to get yourself out there and amongst new people? I know that won't immediately solve how you're feeling and what's gone on between you and this guy, but it could help to distract you in a healthy way... focus more on you and hopefully meet other good people. This may be especially beneficial if you're unsure if he was just using you.
 
HellRider

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I say it depends on how sincere a person you consider him to be.

Kind of the issue with virtual dating imho, without the whole use of physical and verbal contact it's harder to discern someone's true intentions, hence why I ain't much a fan unless it's virtual for a bit before it gets REAL physical.

I'm more on the trusting side where if this guy's told you everything that you mention e.g. flirting with you, wanting to leave girl, saying he would swoop you then I wouldn't worry about his intentions for you

But then again I'm seeing it from the perspective of if I was the guy and I met a woman I found attractive but was currently in a shit tier relation with someone else.

However, you're braver than I. The moment I hear a woman has someone else in their life, it's an instant cut from me. Avoids the infinite anxiety-inducing guess work and the "how long will I have to wait till she's done with him?" scenario.

Also contacting him after a week seems good
 
HellRider

HellRider

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Also contacting him after a week seems good
*quick edit: Also contacting him after a week seems like a good amount of time to leave him some space. Go with the baseball approach of 3 strikes and you're out perhaps? i.e. contact up to 3 times and if no reply move on
 
S

Someone Far Away

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I say it depends on how sincere a person you consider him to be.

Kind of the issue with virtual dating imho, without the whole use of physical and verbal contact it's harder to discern someone's true intentions, hence why I ain't much a fan unless it's virtual for a bit before it gets REAL physical.

I'm more on the trusting side where if this guy's told you everything that you mention e.g. flirting with you, wanting to leave girl, saying he would swoop you then I wouldn't worry about his intentions for you

But then again I'm seeing it from the perspective of if I was the guy and I met a woman I found attractive but was currently in a shit tier relation with someone else.

However, you're braver than I. The moment I hear a woman has someone else in their life, it's an instant cut from me. Avoids the infinite anxiety-inducing guess work and the "how long will I have to wait till she's done with him?" scenario.

Also contacting him after a week seems good
Yea I know he has or had feelings and I know he is confused now. See I didnt reach out to him eager for a boyfriend. I really just wanted a friend to talk to and laugh with. Since I dont have any friends. Long story, met a guy, we moved to his home country and we ended up quickly having two kids but we haven't been in a relationship in 10 years. We are roommates for the kids basically. So here I am alone in a country away from family, friends are all gone and I'm alone and needed a friend. Been 15 years since I left America. I am moving back around Christmas time because this guy, father of my kids, is extremely abusive, emotionally wise. Has pushed me a few times as well. But I made a decision to leave this year I just need to get my health back on track. Anyways, so with this depressed guy, like I said I only wanted friendship at first but things moved quickly which is why I didnt leave when he said he had a gf, because I wasnt sitting there begging for him to be with me. I just eventually fell for him and I guess he did the same with me, idk. I have still yet to ask if he meant what he said or not. He also did mention not wanting to wait 5 month to see me he wanted to see me now, which tells me he is desperate for someone to be there, not far away. He kept asking me if I would wait for him, repeatedly asked, I said yes ofc, while he was trying to end his relationship. But now idk what the hell is going on. I truly believe he wants love but not distant love and idk if I was actually there it may be different? I still wonder if I should have asked him if I should come over to see him for awhile, non sexual, just friends.

Yea I will message him in a week and just say "hey, just checking up on you. How are you doing?" ... I know he will reply, I just dont know how to respond. If he says I'm getting better, I would say "good im glad to hear that. I know it will take time to fight this but i know you will. Take care. " and leave it at that. Short and simple so not to attract a long woe is me conversation. Idk I would really love someone to ask me how I am, someone that actually cares for me, and vice versa, but nobody ever does. So this is what I dont understand about his depression verses mine.
 
S

Someone Far Away

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Btw when I messaged him after 2 days of ignoring me, he did say "he knows that I want to be more than just friends" then said "which scares me." So i take it as he actually cares and doesnt want to hurt me. So hes scared to hurt me, but also scared of getting hurt again. That is how I took it. God I feel so worthless or babyish and needy. Maybe I am.
 
S

Someone Far Away

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So update...

I messaged him 30 minutes ago and said "hey just checking in on you. How are you doing?" He said he was very sick had covid and has been in bed since Monday. Said his parents have it too, worried about his mom, said thanks for asking I'm going to go lay down...... didnt ask me how I was doing nothing at all. That was the whole conversation. I dont know if hes lying about being sick but it felt like he was pushing me away. Who the hell wouldn't ask how someone else is doing if you're asked? It felt like a lie about him being sick, maybe that's just me. So should I just forget about the guy or what. Today my depression has gotten even worse, I was pulling myself out but now I'm right back deep in it.
 
S

Someone Far Away

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Let me add he did end the convo with "thanks for checking up on me." Which now makes me feel like he is sincere and does care for me and that I reassured him of something he was looking for.... does this make any sense?
 
miss_sensitivity

miss_sensitivity

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I dunno chook... interpreting anything over text can be hard. If I don't respond asking someone how they are back, it either means I don't care, or I'm not in a great headspace. Maybe he really is sick, or maybe he's trying to a hold a boundary for himself. It's hard to say, but I think it would be healthiest for you to try not to evaluate the meaning behind it. If this situation is bringing you down mentally, I think it's best to take a step back and focus your attention elsewhere x
 
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