Need life help, my story. (sorry)

[j_craig432]

Not sure where to go at this point, i'm a 27 year old male, (28 next week) and i've accomplished nothing with my life.

Basically I've been severely depressed since around 16 and every year was a year i wanted to die but never had the balls to actually do it, I don't like pain and everyway to do it is painful.

So my story, okay, around 10 years ago (17) i got heavily into steroids because my mother was overprotective and would always want me home by like 9 am, so my friends became distant and I really had no one, they would all party, etc..

So i got into the gym and found steroids, i never really wanted to do anything with my life because i kept thinking i'd be dead in a few years, now i'm old and still working the same dead end job that i'm sick of, i also got heavily into everything bad you can think of, i started gambling, was so in debt until this year, got out, but have no money to my name.

I keep thinking if i would of lived at home and saved money, i'd have 200k by now, but nope, i have nothing, but keep thinking that's okay i'll be dead soon.

Flash forward to last year i started having shortness of breath and other issues, got diagnosed with a disease i will not name which is manageable. But apparently now, they ruled the shortness of breath down to anxiety, or so i thought, we recently found out i have heart problems, not sure how bad but i did an echo, and ecg and my family doctor got the results and said they were "concerning", me the guy i am not caring about dying wouldnt even call my cardiologist but he finally called and i have an apt tuesday, so not sure what its going to be about

but over the last year i completely came off of steroids and lost tons of weight, body image has always been a huge problem to me, and hearing people at this dead end grocery store job constantly tell me i'm looking "skinny" or getting "thin" really screws with my head.

It's not even that its the fact that people getting hired are so much younger than me now, i remember when i started at 17 and i was one of the youngest, now a few years later i realize how much older i am than these people, i don't really get along with them, i'm not hated at work, but with the people that's been there for a long time and seeing me lose over 50 pounds due to having to come off steroids, i feel like i can never move on with my life, everyone there has left, went to school.. etc..

I've worked there so long and i just hate it for no real reason, it's an easy job and i get paid, but i feel like if i got another job at another grocery store, met new people, etc, life would be better, not sure why.

I'm just so sick of the same things everyday, i didn't plan on living this long, bet everything away gambling, and what do you know, i'm still here? but maybe not i finally have a heart problem, i'm off steroids now and people constantly remind me how bad my body looks now by calling me thin, i feel like i can't move on if i stay at the same place

It's not as bad since i'm at home living with my mom still (embarassing i know)

so even having 0$ isn't really an issue, i can get a student loan and go to school in september, but problem is i'm not interested in anything, i still just want to die, but i don't want to die, this whole heart thing has made me quit steroids, which i might go back on if people keep saying my body looks that much worse, etc, it's hard to explain since im not sure how many males are on this website but males and eating disorders aren't really a common thing unless it's anorexia.

I've never really been diagnosed with anything but i am pretty anti social and never wanted to talk to anyone my doctor told me too, so i recently just got prescribed random anti depressants that don't really do anything.

I just feel like i wasted my life and it's too late now to do anythiing, not sure what the news of my heart will be on tuesday but i'm not so lost on what to do, the only thing that will truly solve everything in my life is death

every problem i'v ever had will be gone, it's not like i have a girlfriend or anything to worry about or will ever have one with the amount of problems i have, nor do i really want one, i really do hate people in general

thanks for listening and any advice if you actually read any of this is appreciated, i just want to dissapear, i hate this city,i hate the people, i hate everything

especially this job even though i'm pretty well liked for the most part, but the age of everyone in general is close, most are like 18-22ish, and there i am now at like 28 almost.. i just don't fit in/belong anymore, plus they've seen me at like my peak of the gym and i can't escape my own thoughts let alone hearing their comments on my body daily.

 

[Hopelessdepressedandpinkfloydlover]

Well, there is positive vibes in there more than you probably notice.
First, maintaining a job is a good, for depression people, and the feeling of leaving the job and starting again is a classic reaction. I would recommend doing it without a plan to do. Either a better job, to make a career out of it or go to school.
Second. The exercise is really good, steroids aren't tho, but if you have a discipline to workout, that will help you a lot with a mental illness such as depression or anxiety.
Third, unfortunate eating disorders are a common problem on man too, not just women, myself have had many times where I can eat, and suddenly eat a lot. Happens depending on the state of my own depression.
Here in the forum, I can say there is very useful information and experience to help both feel better and know what worked for other people with similar conditions like you and what didn't work. I don't mean you'll find the exact answer but you definitely find some help and most important, hope.

Be strong, I trust you'll be better in a few months and keep getting better.
I definitely recommend this platform to help, I myself have cero friends either, but here you won't be judged. You'll be supported and pushed to be better bit by bit.

 

[jajingna]

Welcome to the forum.

Sorry to hear your troubles. I'm over 50 so you are young to me but I know that won't mean much to you. Why did you expect to die young? Not sure I understood that. Was there something that leads you to think you won't be around for decades to come? Who knows what can happen in all the time you still have?

 

[UpnDwn1978]

Hi j-craig432 I'm so sorry for what you've been through but I'm glad you've reached out here on the forum. There are many friendly people here with similar experiences so don't be afraid to look around and share your story. You say you've never wanted to talk to anyone recommended by your doctor, but I urge you to seek out professional help. There is no way to get better if you don't admit to yourself that you need help. Please take care and best wishes.

M

 

[Uther]

I used to hate it when people would say "geez, you're looking skinny" because of the muscle I'd lost. Part of me thought it was them not feeling intimidated anymore, so they feel more brazen. I took it as they were seeing me as weak.
But then I thought, what the hell does it matter what they think? If I went over them and their appearance I could pick out 10 things that would make them feel insecure.
"Geez your hairs getting some grey"
"I can see a few wrinkles starting around your eyes"
""I can see a little pot belly there" etc etc.

But I knew doing that wouldnt matter. I had a realization. I thought, why should I care about what they think? I should care what I think!

At the end of their day, they dont sit down to dinner and discuss you. They discuss themselves. As Dr Phil once said, you'd be surprised at how little people think of you and at how much they think of themselves.

 

[GeminiMoon]

28 is young. Great work on getting off steroids and getting out of debt. That's far more impressive than you give yourself credit for. Your life is getting in order. Maybe you have heart problems but bodies can heal. And you are thinking of going back to school. That is great. Sounds like your mom never liked the idea of you 'leaving the nest'. You need to focus on yourself though. She'll be fine.

 

[00Bluejay7500 (was Scapes1986)]

Hi welcome to the forum. I happy to hear about your stopping the steroids I’m sure you feel good about it. Don’t let people get you down about your weight or appearance. Instead of going to the gym to build muscle how about trying to build on your self esteem to feel good so you don’t get so easily annoyed.

take care

 

[Smartbutdumb]

Not sure where to go at this point, i'm a 27 year old male, (28 next week) and i've accomplished nothing with my life.

Basically I've been severely depressed since around 16 and every year was a year i wanted to die but never had the balls to actually do it, I don't like pain and everyway to do it is painful.

So my story, okay, around 10 years ago (17) i got heavily into steroids because my mother was overprotective and would always want me home by like 9 am, so my friends became distant and I really had no one, they would all party, etc..

So i got into the gym and found steroids, i never really wanted to do anything with my life because i kept thinking i'd be dead in a few years, now i'm old and still working the same dead end job that i'm sick of, i also got heavily into everything bad you can think of, i started gambling, was so in debt until this year, got out, but have no money to my name.

I keep thinking if i would of lived at home and saved money, i'd have 200k by now, but nope, i have nothing, but keep thinking that's okay i'll be dead soon.

Flash forward to last year i started having shortness of breath and other issues, got diagnosed with a disease i will not name which is manageable. But apparently now, they ruled the shortness of breath down to anxiety, or so i thought, we recently found out i have heart problems, not sure how bad but i did an echo, and ecg and my family doctor got the results and said they were "concerning", me the guy i am not caring about dying wouldnt even call my cardiologist but he finally called and i have an apt tuesday, so not sure what its going to be about

but over the last year i completely came off of steroids and lost tons of weight, body image has always been a huge problem to me, and hearing people at this dead end grocery store job constantly tell me i'm looking "skinny" or getting "thin" really screws with my head.

It's not even that its the fact that people getting hired are so much younger than me now, i remember when i started at 17 and i was one of the youngest, now a few years later i realize how much older i am than these people, i don't really get along with them, i'm not hated at work, but with the people that's been there for a long time and seeing me lose over 50 pounds due to having to come off steroids, i feel like i can never move on with my life, everyone there has left, went to school.. etc..

I've worked there so long and i just hate it for no real reason, it's an easy job and i get paid, but i feel like if i got another job at another grocery store, met new people, etc, life would be better, not sure why.

I'm just so sick of the same things everyday, i didn't plan on living this long, bet everything away gambling, and what do you know, i'm still here? but maybe not i finally have a heart problem, i'm off steroids now and people constantly remind me how bad my body looks now by calling me thin, i feel like i can't move on if i stay at the same place

It's not as bad since i'm at home living with my mom still (embarassing i know)

so even having 0$ isn't really an issue, i can get a student loan and go to school in september, but problem is i'm not interested in anything, i still just want to die, but i don't want to die, this whole heart thing has made me quit steroids, which i might go back on if people keep saying my body looks that much worse, etc, it's hard to explain since im not sure how many males are on this website but males and eating disorders aren't really a common thing unless it's anorexia.

I've never really been diagnosed with anything but i am pretty anti social and never wanted to talk to anyone my doctor told me too, so i recently just got prescribed random anti depressants that don't really do anything.

I just feel like i wasted my life and it's too late now to do anythiing, not sure what the news of my heart will be on tuesday but i'm not so lost on what to do, the only thing that will truly solve everything in my life is death

every problem i'v ever had will be gone, it's not like i have a girlfriend or anything to worry about or will ever have one with the amount of problems i have, nor do i really want one, i really do hate people in general

thanks for listening and any advice if you actually read any of this is appreciated, i just want to dissapear, i hate this city,i hate the people, i hate everything

especially this job even though i'm pretty well liked for the most part, but the age of everyone in general is close, most are like 18-22ish, and there i am now at like 28 almost.. i just don't fit in/belong anymore, plus they've seen me at like my peak of the gym and i can't escape my own thoughts let alone hearing their comments on my body daily.

Seems like a pretty shitty life, yeah. But as the first guy said, there are some positive things there. but I do totally get where you're coming from. I hate my city too. I feel like my city has me trapped here and every time there is an opportunity to leave, the city sort of goes berserk and just holds me in. It's a pathetic feeling. All I ever wanna do it run away from here, even if it is just to die.