J
j_craig432
New member
Not sure where to go at this point, i'm a 27 year old male, (28 next week) and i've accomplished nothing with my life.
Basically I've been severely depressed since around 16 and every year was a year i wanted to die but never had the balls to actually do it, I don't like pain and everyway to do it is painful.
So my story, okay, around 10 years ago (17) i got heavily into steroids because my mother was overprotective and would always want me home by like 9 am, so my friends became distant and I really had no one, they would all party, etc..
So i got into the gym and found steroids, i never really wanted to do anything with my life because i kept thinking i'd be dead in a few years, now i'm old and still working the same dead end job that i'm sick of, i also got heavily into everything bad you can think of, i started gambling, was so in debt until this year, got out, but have no money to my name.
I keep thinking if i would of lived at home and saved money, i'd have 200k by now, but nope, i have nothing, but keep thinking that's okay i'll be dead soon.
Flash forward to last year i started having shortness of breath and other issues, got diagnosed with a disease i will not name which is manageable. But apparently now, they ruled the shortness of breath down to anxiety, or so i thought, we recently found out i have heart problems, not sure how bad but i did an echo, and ecg and my family doctor got the results and said they were "concerning", me the guy i am not caring about dying wouldnt even call my cardiologist but he finally called and i have an apt tuesday, so not sure what its going to be about
but over the last year i completely came off of steroids and lost tons of weight, body image has always been a huge problem to me, and hearing people at this dead end grocery store job constantly tell me i'm looking "skinny" or getting "thin" really screws with my head.
It's not even that its the fact that people getting hired are so much younger than me now, i remember when i started at 17 and i was one of the youngest, now a few years later i realize how much older i am than these people, i don't really get along with them, i'm not hated at work, but with the people that's been there for a long time and seeing me lose over 50 pounds due to having to come off steroids, i feel like i can never move on with my life, everyone there has left, went to school.. etc..
I've worked there so long and i just hate it for no real reason, it's an easy job and i get paid, but i feel like if i got another job at another grocery store, met new people, etc, life would be better, not sure why.
I'm just so sick of the same things everyday, i didn't plan on living this long, bet everything away gambling, and what do you know, i'm still here? but maybe not i finally have a heart problem, i'm off steroids now and people constantly remind me how bad my body looks now by calling me thin, i feel like i can't move on if i stay at the same place
It's not as bad since i'm at home living with my mom still (embarassing i know)
so even having 0$ isn't really an issue, i can get a student loan and go to school in september, but problem is i'm not interested in anything, i still just want to die, but i don't want to die, this whole heart thing has made me quit steroids, which i might go back on if people keep saying my body looks that much worse, etc, it's hard to explain since im not sure how many males are on this website but males and eating disorders aren't really a common thing unless it's anorexia.
I've never really been diagnosed with anything but i am pretty anti social and never wanted to talk to anyone my doctor told me too, so i recently just got prescribed random anti depressants that don't really do anything.
I just feel like i wasted my life and it's too late now to do anythiing, not sure what the news of my heart will be on tuesday but i'm not so lost on what to do, the only thing that will truly solve everything in my life is death
every problem i'v ever had will be gone, it's not like i have a girlfriend or anything to worry about or will ever have one with the amount of problems i have, nor do i really want one, i really do hate people in general
thanks for listening and any advice if you actually read any of this is appreciated, i just want to dissapear, i hate this city,i hate the people, i hate everything
especially this job even though i'm pretty well liked for the most part, but the age of everyone in general is close, most are like 18-22ish, and there i am now at like 28 almost.. i just don't fit in/belong anymore, plus they've seen me at like my peak of the gym and i can't escape my own thoughts let alone hearing their comments on my body daily.
Basically I've been severely depressed since around 16 and every year was a year i wanted to die but never had the balls to actually do it, I don't like pain and everyway to do it is painful.
So my story, okay, around 10 years ago (17) i got heavily into steroids because my mother was overprotective and would always want me home by like 9 am, so my friends became distant and I really had no one, they would all party, etc..
So i got into the gym and found steroids, i never really wanted to do anything with my life because i kept thinking i'd be dead in a few years, now i'm old and still working the same dead end job that i'm sick of, i also got heavily into everything bad you can think of, i started gambling, was so in debt until this year, got out, but have no money to my name.
I keep thinking if i would of lived at home and saved money, i'd have 200k by now, but nope, i have nothing, but keep thinking that's okay i'll be dead soon.
Flash forward to last year i started having shortness of breath and other issues, got diagnosed with a disease i will not name which is manageable. But apparently now, they ruled the shortness of breath down to anxiety, or so i thought, we recently found out i have heart problems, not sure how bad but i did an echo, and ecg and my family doctor got the results and said they were "concerning", me the guy i am not caring about dying wouldnt even call my cardiologist but he finally called and i have an apt tuesday, so not sure what its going to be about
but over the last year i completely came off of steroids and lost tons of weight, body image has always been a huge problem to me, and hearing people at this dead end grocery store job constantly tell me i'm looking "skinny" or getting "thin" really screws with my head.
It's not even that its the fact that people getting hired are so much younger than me now, i remember when i started at 17 and i was one of the youngest, now a few years later i realize how much older i am than these people, i don't really get along with them, i'm not hated at work, but with the people that's been there for a long time and seeing me lose over 50 pounds due to having to come off steroids, i feel like i can never move on with my life, everyone there has left, went to school.. etc..
I've worked there so long and i just hate it for no real reason, it's an easy job and i get paid, but i feel like if i got another job at another grocery store, met new people, etc, life would be better, not sure why.
I'm just so sick of the same things everyday, i didn't plan on living this long, bet everything away gambling, and what do you know, i'm still here? but maybe not i finally have a heart problem, i'm off steroids now and people constantly remind me how bad my body looks now by calling me thin, i feel like i can't move on if i stay at the same place
It's not as bad since i'm at home living with my mom still (embarassing i know)
so even having 0$ isn't really an issue, i can get a student loan and go to school in september, but problem is i'm not interested in anything, i still just want to die, but i don't want to die, this whole heart thing has made me quit steroids, which i might go back on if people keep saying my body looks that much worse, etc, it's hard to explain since im not sure how many males are on this website but males and eating disorders aren't really a common thing unless it's anorexia.
I've never really been diagnosed with anything but i am pretty anti social and never wanted to talk to anyone my doctor told me too, so i recently just got prescribed random anti depressants that don't really do anything.
I just feel like i wasted my life and it's too late now to do anythiing, not sure what the news of my heart will be on tuesday but i'm not so lost on what to do, the only thing that will truly solve everything in my life is death
every problem i'v ever had will be gone, it's not like i have a girlfriend or anything to worry about or will ever have one with the amount of problems i have, nor do i really want one, i really do hate people in general
thanks for listening and any advice if you actually read any of this is appreciated, i just want to dissapear, i hate this city,i hate the people, i hate everything
especially this job even though i'm pretty well liked for the most part, but the age of everyone in general is close, most are like 18-22ish, and there i am now at like 28 almost.. i just don't fit in/belong anymore, plus they've seen me at like my peak of the gym and i can't escape my own thoughts let alone hearing their comments on my body daily.