Need help :(

Cody*

Cody*

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 22, 2011
Messages
143
Location
Sutton Coldfield
#1
Well, this is what my life has become, a waste, pointless, a dead end and despite my years of fighting I seem to be climbing back down the ladder and headed back to a place I tried to ascend from. Currently i'm stuck in a rut, filled with racing emotion, self harm and an impending future that only holds suicide.

I'll just be brief about the 27 years existence I guess :/

Since a teenager or maybe even early, before I was mentally capable of understanding and feeling what was real, I have fought myself day in and day out. I never sought help and took my own path and spent my time researching my feelings and behaviours and coming to my own conclusion on what is wrong with me. since beginning the journey to turn things around January 2013 I still haven't had a proper diagnosis so to this date, the only thing I can muster from my self-assessment are these issues:

Manic Depression
Anxiety (maybe G.A.D? Generalised Anxiety Disorder)
Social Anxiety/ Social Phobia
Anger
OCD

I have given up on life now, it's a waste, more over, i'm a waste. I have finally reached a point, through years of practice, where I can feel nothing. I have become cold and heartless, taught myself to shut down emotionally and lock out the ones around me. I have spent my life as I know it, going through chemical and event-based depression, hitting the lowest of the low moods for no good reason. I could be out having fun, enjoying myself and from nowhere, I drop into the void, the space in my mind where nothing matters, nothing makes sense, nothing feels real. The blank space that leaves me staring as I feel myself getting lower and lower. Then theres the events that trigger a depressive mood and we all know those, don't we?!.

I get anxiety often, usually due to pressures from my perception of the people/things around me. Home life, work, people...... Somebody can say something to me that others would shrug off but I spend hours, days repeating it and thinking about it in my head over and over and it just consumes me.

Social anxiety?.... well that's just another ball game all together. I don't like people, I find them difficult, I used to have anxiety to the point I could be looking at something in a shop and somebody would come and stand right next to me...... I have to move, I don't like people being too close to me. Since starting my A/D's and the increase in dosage and being put on beta blockers, my S/A has calmed down to a point I can walk around in public without too much thought for the people around me but the anxiety I still have doesn't leave much room for conversation, I always say the wrong thing but mostly, I don't know what to say at all. I used to think I had crap conversational skills but I was told it's the anxiety preventing me from thinking of something to say so as conversation still eludes me, the anxiety doesn't!.

I have controlled my anger heavily to a point I don't lash out like I used to, the only thing I have been able to control to a degree.


I don't know, I don't know anymore. I feel lost, empty, alone. I have my parents and 2 brothers, that's it. Anybody who comes along in my life I keep at arms length, too close, I push them away. I have nobody, no friends, no social life. It's just me and my camera on my days off work. At times that is all I need, I don't need anybody in my life!!!. At other times, it's a deafening silence, a reminder of what I have become and the life I have made for myself, a solitary one. To a degree I am glad of this because I know that the people I talk to at work and have on my FB, don't care, they don't, back-stabbing, 2-faced *****!. I know that and I know that if my plan to commit suicide were to be heard, those exact people would be the first to offer help and a shoulder, somebody to talk to................ **** off!!!. You never cared before because you never even mustered anything from your pathetic, perfect life to instigate a chat to see how i'm feeling knowing full well I am a mental health sufferer so don't give me you're false ******* emotions because I know for a fact you don't give a ****, you're just socially conforming to the feeling you have to show care because of how it looks on YOU if you don't say something.. SELFISH!.

I am, to a degree, glad I have pushed out all the people around me because of the reason above. Nobody cares, they're not interested so if I were to let them into my life, my emotion, me. They would just stab me in the back at the best opportune moment and those are the people I don't need in my life.
I started self harming when I was around 14, stopped when I was around 20/21...... now i'm back there at 27, rediscovered the thing that helps me escape. I just can't be bothered to deal with life anymore. I spend my time alone, I just want out now. Pay off my car and kick this nasty oxygen habit.
I don't know what the point to this is tbh, if anyone even cares, or is it all a form of social conformism, social obligation?....... I like to think that people on forums who go through the same understand like I do, understand how you feel, WHY you feel.

I have often sat and thought about my life, things i've done, things I regret, things I don't. I sit and look at reality and always ask myself the same question......
Have you been happy at all in the last 10+ years?, define 'Happy'!, what do I have to feel to deem that feeling worthy of being called happy, maybe true happiness has evaded my efforts?!. Things in life used to make me really ecstatic, 'over the moon' as it were but they don't now, I finally bought a DSLR camera with 2 lenses a month ago..... it didn't give me the same feeling i've felt before but it should have, photography drives me, keeps me busy and entertained but it just doesn't make me 'Happy', nothing does, not deep on the inside anyway. So that begs the question 'What's the point?'............
There isn't one!

I guess I just need somebody to talk to, somebody who understands, listens. The deafening silence is too much but I don't know how to talk to people in the real world, what to say, I always think people don't want to talk to me, don't like me but don't have the balls to say it. I said to a girl at work "You can add me on FB if you want as you're rarely here?!".... Her reply was "I don't have signal in the canteen"....................
So there and then is the only way you'd be able to add me?...... Grow a ******* pair and just say "I'd rather not tbf". Spineless!!!.

Well, I could do with people to talk to so if I haven't come across as a complete lunatic and somebody to avoid (like I normally do) then it would be great to speak to people for a change to break the silence.
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,626
#2
I nearly cried reading, I feel for you so much. It's hard this people lark, social anxiety and depression. I hope that being on this forum will help and help you to express your emotions. More people will be around soon so hopefully you will get more replies.

I'm on quite a bit of medication and even that doesn;t stop the badness and bad thoughts, I wish I could help you more. Please try to keep strong and not disappear down that black hole.

Sometimes things are so bad we cannot see a way forward, but there is always something that will change and make us look at life from a different perspective. Don't give up

KS
xxxx
 
Cody*

Cody*

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 22, 2011
Messages
143
Location
Sutton Coldfield
#3
Thank you :), I keep fighting so I know i'm not going anywhere just yet ;)

I think pills can only help to a certain extent, I often find myself praying before I go to a doctors appt that she will change my tabs and put me on 200, 300mg dose of fluox or Citalo but she won't, despite the harming. She said she'll change the ones I'm on but it's like dangling a carrot, she won't tell me when she plans on it.

Ah well, I will continue the fight either way.
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,626
#4
I'm glad you continue the fight, be strong and be safe
xxxx
 
Cazcat

Cazcat

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Sep 12, 2013
Messages
2,421
#5
Hi, sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. I know how it feels to be so low. Things can get better, keep going. Hope that you find what you are looking for here.
 
M

Morgaan

Member
Joined
Nov 5, 2014
Messages
5
#6
Believe in yourself and stay strong. Everything gone be ok and you'll gonna spend an amazing life. I know its just easy to say that everything is going to be ok, but this is life friend and we have to be strong as well as we can.
 
The Guvnah

The Guvnah

Active member
Joined
Oct 6, 2016
Messages
36
#7
Believe me I know that feeling but what drags me back is the knowledge that I have our two boys who at this point have no-one else but me and secondly: I wouldn't give the bastards the satisfaction. I'm sure there are plenty of soon to be heavily embarrassed 'professionals' who would see my sudden 'exit' from their In-trays as an entirely satisfactory solution. No chance, my life is worth a thousand of theirs and so is yours duder. Shout me/us if you need an ear.