- Feb 2, 2019
I really need help and no one seems to understand. I’ve always grown up a bit in a kind of narcissistic fantasy. A kind of confused identity. My childhood we moved a lot and at times a bit isolated. I used to cry and breakdown when I moved schools and was very in my head..I also used to get a strange depression and a despair/boredom feeling . it’s very drifty. I’m really breaking down now though at 45. The past 12 years since my daughter have felt like a mask, not a mask but a fantasy. I realise I don’t do anything..I’ve just been pretending..now I’m feeling an agitation and boredom. I’m also feeling what I thought was anxiety. Buts it’s actu rage. I’m raging at what everyone else seems to have. I feel stuck without the persona I was being to everyone, and underneath is a hatred and frustration. I realise I’ve been in my own world, and having panic attack’s has brought me into my body and reality for the first time and I can’t bear what I think I am. My body shakes with agitation and i rage at being stuck in a small place. My friends were all part of my persona. It feels like my reality was never real. I literately don’t know what to do each second. It isn’t anxiety..it’s a feeling that the world and people around me will suddenly collapse. Like there’s nowhere safe and real to be. It’s a mixture of boredom, agitation, fear, hate , terror. There’s non space anywhere. I feel I’m just stuck behind my eyes...my body feels agitated and wants to get away...and the “outside” world and people could be anything.