Need help understanding

[dougs88]

My wife and I have been married 24 years. We have a 20 year old daughter who was diagnosed bipolar about 4 years ago. Two years ago she dated this guy for like a month and eloped. Son in law has a disorder that causes him to have seizures. About 5 months after they married they got pregnant so now we have a grandson. So they have all lived with my wife and I for this 2 years. Neither daughter or son in law work. My wife has assumed the raising of the grandchild. Grandchild sleeps in our room so that daughter and son in law can stay up till late hours watching Netflix and they don’t get out of bed till noon most days. They do absolutely nothing around the house. They cook late at night and leave their mess in the kitchen for us to cleanup. The issue I am having is that I believe we should be expecting more from our daughter around the house and the raising of her child. But if I say anything to my daughter she blows up big time starts texting my wife saying I was yelling at her which I was not. My wife then starts angrily texting me about getting on to her. Everything can be calm for a few months as long as I do not question my daughter and let her have her way. But we had a recent blow up again. My wife believes the relationship between me and my daughter is too toxic so she said maybe we need to divorce so that I am out of the house away from daughter. My wife has stated she will do absolutely everything to keep my daughter happy since she is bipolar. Oh yeah one more thing my wife said that my daughters therapist told her we should allow my daughter to sleep in and that we should give her money so she can go do fun things so she doesn’t get depressed. Is this normal advice? Is this really the way doctors want to handle bipolar? I would think part of the goal of treatment would be to help that person gain some normalcy and hopefully some independence. Maybe I just don’t understand enough about bipolar and what my daughter is going through. Maybe I am supposed to let them run the house and the rest of us just need to fall in line. Looks like either that or get divorced.

 

[Nukelavee]

Oh yeah one more thing my wife said that my daughters therapist told her we should allow my daughter to sleep in and that we should give her money so she can go do fun things so she doesn’t get depressed. Is this normal advice? Is this really the way doctors want to handle bipolar?

Either the therapist is a flake, or your wife is being dishonest. No decent therapist would give that advice. You don't learn to cope with depressive episodes by sleeping in and going shopping.

Truth be told, in my experience, there's no point in spending money on stuff or entertainment when you are depressed, because depression makes it impossible to actually feel enjoyment.

I have BPD, not Bipolar, but, what's going on is your wife is enabling bad behaviour, and your daughter is exploiting her illness to avoid doing anything she doesn't want to.

I think it might help you to see a counsellor for yourself - you're under a ton of strain, you need an unbiased person to listen to, and give you feedback. You need to care for your own mental health.

 

[Avolitionist]

I agree. Find some support system for yourself.

The situation you describe does not sound normal or healthy. It sounds like your daughter is using her illness as an excuse to emotionally and financially abuse the two of you, and your wife is enabling her.

You deserve support for your position. It is a valid position.

 

[dougs88]

Thank you so much for your responses. I have said to my wife in the past it feels like manipulation. But my wife just always says “no it’s the bipolar”.

 

[Nukelavee]

“no it’s the bipolar”.

No, it's enabling bad behaviour.

Have you done any reading on bipolar disorder?

 

[Avolitionist]

Your wife probably had no concept that it isn’t the disease disabling your daughter, it’s the idea that she is disabled and requires special treatment. We can learn to manage our conditions and lead full, productive lives if we are supported to do so.

 

[dougs88]

No, it's enabling bad behaviour.

Have you done any reading on bipolar disorder?

Yes I have done some reading. So I am aware of when it looks like manic episodes are about to start.

 

[dougs88]

Your wife probably had no concept that it isn’t the disease disabling your daughter, it’s the idea that she is disabled and requires special treatment. We can learn to manage our conditions and lead full, productive lives if we are supported to do so.

Yes and now my wife is believing my daughter will never be able to hold a job. So she has my daughter believing she can file for disability and that it would get approved.

 

[Avolitionist]

It may be approved, but in my opinion it is a disservice to your daughter to just write her off as completely incapable. Sure, the government may pay a bit for her condition, but you’re not being ridiculous to believe she may be able to be more accountable for herself. Even just keeping productive sleep hygiene so she could be with her child and cleaning up after herself would an improvement. Scheduling and self care are huge parts of productive mental health practices.

 

[Avolitionist]

I still think the best move is to get some counseling for yourself and maybe for you and your wife as a couple so that you and you two have some support. Dealing with mental health issues can take a toll on everyone involved and no matter if you’re right or not, you don’t want to lose your marriage to mental health issues. You also don’t want to set up a situation where your daughter looks back one day and realizes that her condition was a driving factor in her parents divorce. Get some support. It’s worth the investment.

 

[HLon99]

Dear doug,

I can see you are in a very tough position, clearly you care greatly about your family and do not wish to lose them, but this is not being reciprocated in neither word nor action by them. I'm assuming that you are the one who provides financially for your family and is also responsible for the mess that your daughter and son-in-law cause. This is a very grave strain on you and you owe it to yourself to think about your interests for a change. You seem like a reasonable, hard working person, but you have to stand up for yourself. Her disorder does not give her a free pass to abuse your generosity. And your wife's so called 'care' is, as others on the forum have quite rightly said, is enabling your daughter to continue down a downwards trajectory, which is neither helping you or her own state of mind.

You need to set very clear boundaries on what is and is not acceptable in your house. As a bipolar person, I can empathise that during periods of mental instability it can be hard to look after yourself and there is no shame in asking for help from parents. However, this is no excuse to disrespect your parents. Her therapist is without a doubt a quack. Her so called husband is a leech and has no right to demand anything at all from you. Your wife, for the lack of a better word is a b*tch to threaten you with divorce simply because you disagree on methods of parenting. You must show her that you are not willing to be extorted or blackmailed. Now is the time to exert yourself and this might seem a little old school, but show them all who wears the trousers in the family.

Stay strong brother and I really wish you well.

-H