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Need help to deal with mental pain

S

suffering101

Member
Joined
Oct 1, 2017
Messages
8
Hello everyone. I posted here a few months ago. I am here again to get some advice on dealing with my mental pain.

I am confused about myself. I don't really see myself as a smart person. That makes me feel awful. I have always been a very quiet kid from birth. I am not quick witted and sharp. Never had any friends. Always sound stupid and weird. Had a really rough time in school. My awkwardness and stupidity led to hundreds of painfully embarrassing situations involving classmates and teachers. I was mentally abused by bullies. I still have nightmares about those painful memories. I just can't let go of the past. It is really painful for me, you know.

People treat me like a doormat because they don't see me as a person. They think that I am their daily stress-reliever. They make fun of me and always get away with it. Sometimes when I confront them about it, they act as if they didn't do anything wrong, it was me who was way too slow to understand their witty comments.

Something like this happened in my last group project in a course. I always tried my hardest to appear as smart as possible. I contributed to the group more than anyone. But even then a guy saw through my facade and started the high school bully thing again. He ganged up with another guy and they called me slow and said I have issues. They got into and argument with me and like always, I fucked up. I was out-witted by them and it was really embarrassing. I tried talking to the other guy in my group to get some support but he didn't give a damn.

I really feel so sad and empty. If the whole point of my life is to be a stress-reliever for other people, I might as well jump under a train and die. I can't bear to be so fucking slow. I can't help but blame my parents for giving birth to me knowing what a cruel fucked up world we live in. People are so shallow and blunt that they don't care how they treat others. If you are slow, they will call you slow and rub it in your face. The weak don't survive in this world. I never liked people but now I just hate them. They are main cause of all the pain in my life.

I have no idea how I will advance in life with so many hurdles. All this pain is eating away at the small amount of intelligence I was born with. I can't focus on anything anymore. Always have this burning sensation in my chest because of my insecurity.
Life is nothing but torture for me. My hopes and dreams have been crushed under the weight of this ugly reality.

Sorry this looks like a suicide note but I don't know what else to do. I am too poor to afford quality psychotherapy so I have no other option but to get help online.
 
T

tiltawhirl3

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2010
Messages
5,782
Location
Bristol TN
Your post, spelling, grammar are well done. I don't think you are slow. I think you are depressed and you have a terrible trouble at school. Some of us are just kind of introverts, ya know?

Please talk to your parents about the bullying. Perhaps you could change schools?
 
S

suffering101

Member
Joined
Oct 1, 2017
Messages
8
Thanks but the same can be said for almost everyone.

I may not look slow here as I took a long time to make sure the post looks ok. But in real life, you have to act fast. That's where I mess up. Like I said, I appear slow.

I am in university and left school a long time ago. The problem is that I have all these flashbacks about the painful memories in school and they hurt me so bad that I can't focus on anything anymore. It's not like university life is better either, but the bullying thing has decreased a bit. I still get bullied here time to time, mostly in group projects. But other than that, I am doing kind of ok.

I just want to find a way to put the horrible memories in some kind of recycle bin then permanently delete it lol. But things are not so simple.
 
T

tiltawhirl3

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2010
Messages
5,782
Location
Bristol TN
Isn't free counseling available at university?
And there is a very good book, titled: Get out of your mind and into your life.
It's an introduction and workbook for ACT, acceptance, commitment therapy.
It is an amazing approach and I will not be buying any other self help books after my psychiatrist introduced me to this one.
I think it would be very effective with you putting the past abuse and pain where it does not run your life today.
best wishes!
 
A

And888

New member
Joined
Jan 17, 2018
Messages
2
Location
UK
Mental pain hurts there is no question about that, unless you have had it its something many people will thankfully for them ever understand.

‘I am confused’ yes, ‘not smart person’ as a few have said your ability to write your post including its structure and grammar suggests your wrong – sorry to contradict you on that one!

I’m sure you feel awful you are in a difficult place.

May be you could let us know more about your past, you say that you have ‘been a very quiet kid from birth’ which leaves a question as to why, being quiet may be something you learned?

Feeling sad and empty is horrible, but it can change.

We don't know your story yet but believe us you are intelligent and a real human with feelings that are hurting you, but also you are talking to friends many who have felt similar to you in dark moments.

Suicidal thoughts can be a way of coping with pain and its good you can openly talk about them here. If they become real and current you need to be brave and act quickly get the physical help that we cant offer here.

Best wishes
 
S

suffering101

Member
Joined
Oct 1, 2017
Messages
8
Mental pain hurts there is no question about that, unless you have had it its something many people will thankfully for them ever understand.

‘I am confused’ yes, ‘not smart person’ as a few have said your ability to write your post including its structure and grammar suggests your wrong – sorry to contradict you on that one!

I’m sure you feel awful you are in a difficult place.

May be you could let us know more about your past, you say that you have ‘been a very quiet kid from birth’ which leaves a question as to why, being quiet may be something you learned?

Feeling sad and empty is horrible, but it can change.

We don't know your story yet but believe us you are intelligent and a real human with feelings that are hurting you, but also you are talking to friends many who have felt similar to you in dark moments.

Suicidal thoughts can be a way of coping with pain and its good you can openly talk about them here. If they become real and current you need to be brave and act quickly get the physical help that we cant offer here.

Best wishes

I still don't know why I am so quiet. But it certainly isn't something I learned. My situation may have been caused by autism or some other mental disability. I just don't know how to keep a conversation going. The sentences just don't appear in my mind. So I have no other option but to stay quiet. Due to this problem, I never had a friend or any other relationship.
 
A

And888

New member
Joined
Jan 17, 2018
Messages
2
Location
UK
I still don't know why I am so quiet. But it certainly isn't something I learned. My situation may have been caused by autism or some other mental disability. I just don't know how to keep a conversation going. The sentences just don't appear in my mind. So I have no other option but to stay quiet. Due to this problem, I never had a friend or any other relationship.

You mention Autism, which is a label given to a broad spectrum of behaviours which many people will have to a lesser or greater extent. Have you ever been diagnosed as Autistic, its often picked up on in schools?
But quietness in itself is not a mental disability.

'Sentences don't appear in my mind' this doesn't sound like autism. it sounds more like a panic where you pressure yourself to say the right thing can't think of the right thing so 'say nothing'.

If thats true it could be a behaviour you learnt at an early age that has now become reinforced?

What I am meaning is that as humans our behaviours become reinforced by intensity and repetition. When we were cave men one meeting with a tiger would give you a very healthy fear of tigers for life (intensity).

But we also learn our behaviours from repetition, small regular experiences can have both a negative and positive effect.

What we learn becomes normal and the effects more pronounced; even though we often will say 'i have not learned this behaviour' most of us have favourite colours and lucky charms that hard science informs us are nothing but an illusion of security.
 

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