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NEED HELP - Struggling to cope without medication

L

Liisaa

New member
Joined
Oct 15, 2019
Messages
1
Location
UK
Hello everyone,
I'm here to seek help and guidance.
I've been on 40mg of Citalopram over the past 6 years, it started as I was very down and depressed constantly and was thinking dark thoughts so my doctor prescribed them to me.
This year with advice and help from a doctor I weened off the medication slowly and lowered the dosage over a period of time. By July, I was without Citalopram completely.
Over the past 6 years I have tried and failed three times to stop taking the medication due to some side effects, which effected me personally. For example: I gained a lot of weight by being on the medication as I was a size 10 before taking the medication and since in the past few years have staggered up to a size 16/18 which really has effected my confidence and even with dieting and exercise I cant shift the weight. Even more the effects of feeling tired all of the time from having a good rest at night to feeling exhausted of an hour from being up, to constantly sweating excessively from little things just like hoovering the house for two minutes. On all occasions I have relapsed badly and seen no other option then to go back on to medication. I know in the past few attempts I was forcing myself for the reasons above to stop taking the medication but this year I felt confident enough in myself and ready to have a life without being reliant on a pill for the rest of my life for happiness.
So since July I have felt great personally in my mind but struggled with a strong nausea feeling over a few weeks from withdrawal, which the doctor prescribed me tablets for. About 5 weeks ago that has subsided and now it feels another spanner has been thrown in the works to test me, with a strong feeling of anxiety and depression coming back. I've been reliant on the tablets over the last 6 years, they gave me a numb feeling to reality and now without them I'm struggling to cope. Its in the morning I wake up it effects me the most and it can last all day. I have a strong feeling of worry and dread constantly and feel on edge. I reminisce on times in the past of being simpler and get upset as I wish I was in that way of when I was younger of not having such worries, problems or stresses in life, and with that I get upset of how things have changed and not being able to cope. To future worries of feeling negative of things, putting myself down of where I am now and how I have not achieved as it seems anything to other people and the thought of will I ever. I've been seeing a therapist lately who has enlightened me with the mindfulness technique of meditating and feeling in the present but my mind is so disrupted its hard to think pass these thoughts and clear my mind to being in the present. In the past as now too I have tried other methods and ways to cope. I've tried counselling, talking therapy, meditation, hypnotherapy, over the counter substitutes such as the relax therapy range, Kalms, St Johns Wart and nothing has seemed to subside the condition itself. At the moment I'm currently taking Valerium from Holland and Barret. I've also got an appointment coming up the 23rd for cognitive behavioural therapy. I'm at that point of struggle of thinking will I ever get better, or will this just get worse? I have mixed thoughts as I've come so far and already noticing the benefits of being without the medication with me not being so tired to losing a little weight, for me then to think well, this tablet has got me through so much what if I need this constantly for me to feel okay again? I cant focus or function at the moment, I'm in fear of everything and anything. I've not been at work for 5 weeks and in that time have not driven my car either. I have big anxiety with driving also and it doesn't help my work is an hour away, so the tablets helped me with that also. I work a rotation of 10 hour days and nights so before I came off work sick I would be worried and work myself up driving there and then dreaded being there to come back. But things like my work, I know it isn't good for me as I've had three big breakdowns with being there but then I'm scared of changing of fear of the unknown of is the grass going to be greener? and its also having a sense of security of knowing the job and having the income. I'm just really emotional at the moment of fear and change, and its like a vicious circle as I'm currently not at work I have no income coming in then that's another thing to worry about. I also know people mean well when talking to them, but I cant seem things are so simple to just change my mindset with certain meditation or pushing myself day by day with little tasks. I'm really struggling at the moment and I sometimes wonder if defeat is the best option as what if I cant cope without this medication or then what if I haven't given myself enough time to try? Its hard as I know this one pill can take away all my problems but will cause me struggle with problems of their own. Or I think what if I am someone who there is something just wrong with my brain and that I need medication to rely on? or what if I'm waiting for this feeling to pass when it could progress to something worse? Reality at the moment seems a thing I'm not strong enough to cope with, I cant seem to vanish my troubles and be positive. I myself am a very positive person, I've read books from Rhonda Byrne of the secret and such and how positive thinking can impact a positive life but I cant even focus enough to do that right now. I live with my parents still and I feel daunted and detached with thinking of having to grow up one day and be independent. But then again I feel a big sense of guilt like I'm a burden to be still with them and struggling like I am. I'm very lucky as as a family we are all very close and everyone supports each other but I feel like I am the disappointment, like the week link of the family and though it feels like I'm a drama queen needing everyone to rally round me constantly because of how I am.
It sounds stupid I know I have like Peter Pan syndrome of wanting to go back when I was young in the sense of no worries, no stress, of a time before it all. To now having to grow up and have a job to support me in life, to have money to do things and have things. At the moment I have trouble thinking to even do life, I get jealous of seeing people and thinking why cant I be like that? Be in control of my life? Happy and just getting on with things. I know people don't like going to work but I seriously cant think of having a job right now, and how when on social media I see people like celebrities have money and no worries I feel envious. Or other bizarre things I feel jealous and down in myself of seeing old people, as they've figured out and lived their life to then me wanting to wish my life away to already be that age. To certain Programmes for example I watch the Golden Girls and I get upset to think that they have all passed on in life (except Betty White) or TV programmes I watched as a child and how life has changed since then. Its really hard for me to explain to understand because I don't myself. I know it sounds silly and strange.
I don't know what to do and just need help, advice or suggestions from people who have experienced the same as I have.
Sorry for the big essay, I know it doesn't make a lot of sense as its not all together, but I hope you can all understand.
Thankyou for your patience and time on reading.

Lisa xx
 
Issey

Issey

Member
Joined
Oct 10, 2019
Messages
20
Location
Ontario, Canada
Hi Liisa, know your not alone, reading your post I was checking off points and thinking, yup, yup, yup. I came off my meds about three years ago, I wanted to go back on them as I felt I was loosing control again, but have developed so much anxiety about preceived health issues, The meds made me feel funny so I can't take them they fire up my panic. Its such a vicious cycle like you said. I wish you well and hope that you get the help you need.
 
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