Need help really confused

1

1234brush

New member
Joined
Feb 19, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Uk
#1
Hi so to start my story I have been with my girlfriend for over 6+ years and we have been living together for 4 years we are both in mid 20's and about a year after we moved in together my gf got BPD she went through all the dbt groups and she said it helped her abit over the course of 4 years she has been on tablets on and off and changing tablets because they made her feel unwell. Things can be great at times and things can be completely terrible. Over the course of 6 years I have been hit multiple times in the face scrabbed t-shirts ripped and slapped black eye etc I have never went and hit her back the most I would do is defend my self by pushing her away. I sit there feeling intense anger after been hit knowing I CNT do nothing, after we used to fight she would run out the door and text me or ring me and tell me she was gunna kill herself because of me which literally sends me overboard as I don't know where she is and + she is blaming me and to be honest the arguments are over something's that are so small I physically can not understand why she is so angry its like a switch. So over the course of the years I have been trying to put up with this hoping it will get better I work full time shift work so I can't always be there. She used to get annoyed at me for working late even tho I couldn't help it . I literally feel like I am walking in eggshells and to be honest I think it is starting to affect me mentally.

So basically last night we were both sitting there and I said something that she took wrong very personal I said do u know how to do it? And she said I was taking away from her as a person and I don't support her she proceeded to get more angry and starts txtn her friends to tell her she was in the right. That was OK this went on for 10 mins and then we both were arguing she came up into my room and started scrabbling and hitting me saying why are you doing this to me ? I wasn't doing nothing she went into my room and wrecked my drawers I got really fed up and went to her room and threw clothes ( childish I know) she proceeded to get her phone and try to make a video about me saying look what I have to put up with and she is saying I hit her in the video( is she tryyna ruin me) so I grabbed the phone of her and then she got huz phone decided to try ring the police on me for nothing "s I was like wtf. We scuffled abit and she ran out of the house 30 mins later she comes back with her mum and gets her stuff and leaves.

Like I'm sitting here going :/ wtf just happened and no I'm not a angel either I have said stuff etc but I have not hit her or anything like that . stuff that she has said to me has stuck in my head like my parents are dead and she told me to go and die and go in the grave with your oarents. She make me feel worthless and uneasy as I don't know what to do.

This is a cycle which we are bound to go threw every month but its making me feel unwell well atleast I think it is its just really hard and I'm sick of waiting to hear I have said something out of turn. I listen to her a lot and try to help her with her life but she is so angry I can feel it of her its always like whatever I do its not good enough.. She is also trying to make out that I'm mentally unwell I was fine before I got into this relationship and since the relationship about 6 months ago i started tablets for depression but this may be due to the stress im experienceing in the relationship She changes so quick that I don't even regonise the girl I met at the start

I just need a bit if help if anyone has went threw the same thing and what is the best option for me because I feel so so down I don't know what to do thanks
 
W

Wildfire

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Joined
Aug 1, 2018
Messages
81
#2
I've not been through a similar thing, but a friend of mine has and I was on the end of the phone when it happened.

Short version: he got with a girl, she seemed amazing, into the same things as him, they went on holiday were always seen on FB out etc. Then slowly I didn't see him. I saw him out in the car one and beeped horn and waved. I got her screaming out of the window at me etc.

Eventually I never saw him except on FB, I just figured he was loved up. Then my brother saw him with a bandaged arm and face. Turns out she had pushed him through a glass door (he's 6'4" maybe 210lbs) and he would find back aside from shouting and trying to get her to leave. She locked herself in his place, called her mum etc.

After much coaching he split up with her. She threatened him, the dog, his parents told lies about him etc. Then at NY they got back together after she said she'd changed etc. 2 months later it started with some slaps and scratches, then it moved to hitting him with things and he walked out. I told him to keep reporting all the calls and threats to the cops. She sent messages saying "I hope you dad dies" (his dad was very ill). Then one night the cops call round, arrest him for beating her and put him in the cells for 23 hours. When he is interviewed he gave them the reference number and they apologiesed and told her that she is never to go near him again.

This is a very short version over 18 months. After speaking to him, he went on to anti-depressants to cope with her behavior and he was later told by her mum that she was bi-polar and suffered from mental illness and known to get violent.

My main take away is, DO NOT PUT UP WITH ABUSE. Whether it is a guy or a girl, abuse is abuse. Plain and simple. Throwing some clothes or some stuff in the house is one thing, physically attacking someone is completely different.

My mate's girl was mentally manipulative too and he was left exhausted with no self confidence, lost his job, his house etc. It's taken him 3 years to get even half way back (it was very bad).

If you think that this is the start of something bad, you need to be honest with yourself and think "is this good for me and my mental state." If someone is suffering and you are in a better place, help them and care or them. If they are affecting you so you suffer, you need to look after yourself. You're no good to them in a bad state.

But as I said if she's calling the cops and accusing you of attacking her etc. this is not a good place to be. 6 years is a long time man, and I feel for you. But it's only 6 years. It's not 20 and no amount of time is worth getting beat up, made to feel worthless repeatedly over.

Just my view having seen it from the outside. Others may feel differently.
 
megirl

megirl

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Apr 9, 2010
Messages
5,664
Location
NZ
#3
Sorry you are going through this
Her behavior is totally unacceptable.
I was shocked SHE was ringing the cops.
I %100 agree you are the one who should ring the cops
No, no-one should put up with this,you dont deserve to be treated in this manner, whether unwell or not there's absolutely no excuse.
One time I rang the a&d helpline I started getting agitated etc they got the police to come around,then the husband arrived home,I started yelling at him then trying to push my husband and the police officer out of my way. They threatened to arrest me which they had every right to do.
I wasn't hitting them but they were clearly concerned about their safety
And mine as I had said I'm just going fuck off somewhere who cares where,
I must have grabbed my keys so I could get back in the house but they didn't know that. And I was very drunk

If I was you I would leave
You need to put yourself first
 
P

Pollypop

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Joined
Jul 23, 2015
Messages
786
Location
England. Derbyshire
#4
1234brush. You are in a terrible situation.
Your mental health is clearly suffering and the
physical abuse is absolutely unacceptable.

I have no experience of situations such as this but I
totally agree with wildfire, especially viewing it from the
outside.

Please take action and get help.
You should not have to be subjected to this mental
and physical abuse.

Other people on the forum may be able to help.
I’m sorry I can’t.

Please take care of yourself,
Pollypop x
 
1

1234brush

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Joined
Feb 19, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Uk
#5
Thank you guys reading a lot of this does seem to help. Its mad I feel so confused about the whole relationship but the more and more I read it seems to be something that happens to the person who is with another person with bpd.

It is a complete mess and some of the things that have been said to me I never thought in a million years anyone would say something like that to me. Or physically touch me.

I literally thought how bad can it be that sum1 has bpd but boy it is a rollercoaster and ur life ends up walking on eggshells which isn't healthy

I need to get myself back to the old me and try move on with my life I know its hard but I hope I can do it

The more and more time I spend away from her my head seems to get clearer and clearer like I can think straight its weird
 
D

dewey

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Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
403
#6
You are in the throes of being abused, because your judgement is currently clouded to the point that you haven't seen the signs that YOU NEED TO GET OUT of the relationship.
Admit it to yourself, what she is doing is abuse and it's also criminal behaviour, certainly in the U.K. - it counts both as controlling/coercive behaviour and physical abuse, in the very least.

She clearly has psychological problems , or she wouldn't be acting like this. But if you stay in the relationship all you are doing is enabling her irrational behaviour and mental illness, and putting yourself in serious danger.

She needs help. You need to get out of there. If you tell yourself any different than that: you are a) not respecting yourself as a human being b) deluding yourself.

Here is some advice in the U.K. Domestic violence and abuse
I am sure there are other services. Get help ASAP.
 
megirl

megirl

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Apr 9, 2010
Messages
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#7
Your safety is at risk. Its up to her to get help and accept responsibility,
Enough is enough you really need to focus on you get your health on track.
Put yourself first.
If you had rung the police on her when this abuse is happening she could end up in prison.
You deserve so much better. No woman would put up with this,this is no difference.
I know now even if you don't want to lay charges the police have the rights to lay charges even if you don't.
For the protection of the publics safety.
In nz anyway
Shes lucky you have stuck around for so long
 
G

Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
Messages
335
#8
You clearly are bad for each other. I’m concerned when you say scuffling that it implies physical interaction.
 
megirl

megirl

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#9
Gosh I just realised I had already responded to you,
And ive just repeated myself,
Thats what not enough sleep does
:redface: :redface:
 
D

dewey

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Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
403
#10
You clearly are bad for each other. I’m concerned when you say scuffling that it implies physical interaction.
There's definite physical interaction implied!!
". Over the course of 6 years I have been hit multiple times in the face scrabbed t-shirts ripped and slapped black eye etc I have never went and hit her back the most I would do is defend my self by pushing her away"

Also hello again girlinterrupted
 
1

1234brush

New member
Joined
Feb 19, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Uk
#12
She is 100 % fine the most I have done to her is hold her away at arms length when she trynna it me and scuffling I mean is me trynna hold her away from me etc and when I do that she bites also ya know "( but yea being in this site really does help and I dont want to press charges I just want her to stay away now and not ruin my life It is insane how common bpd partners feel. 100 nc everything I need will have to go threw her mom.
 
W

Wildfire

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Joined
Aug 1, 2018
Messages
81
#13
You need out man What happened to my mate was also in the UK and the police took it very seriously. He didn't want to press charges but if the police see signs of abuse they will make a record and take action. If she is already trying to make it out like you are the abuser, you need to get out and stay away.

It will take time to aclimatise to being on your own.

My friend tried to go through the family and when trying to get her stuff she appeared and ran towards his house. He locked himself in and she had already called the cops.

You need to cut her off completely.
 
MeropeneM

MeropeneM

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jan 18, 2019
Messages
208
#14
The difference between an animal and a human being is that animals can't help but to give into their instincts and impulses, humans can abstain. You also wanted to hit her but you abstained.

You're outside the realm of trying to fix your relationship. You're dealing with an animal.
 
P

Pollypop

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Joined
Jul 23, 2015
Messages
786
Location
England. Derbyshire
#15
It seem most of us agree that it in your own best
interest to remove yourself from this relationship.
It doesn’t sound as if anything is going to change
except your own mental health, which is going to
become worse.

We are all here for you.
 

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