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Need help really badly

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LilysT

Member
Joined
Mar 1, 2009
Messages
7
I can only think of OCD as the place for this, i've only just joined so if theres a better place for this thread please tell me.


Firstly I’ll start with I have depression, social anxiety and generalised anxiety, just so people can understand my state of mind. Now for nigh on for 5 years I have had an obsession problem. Its pretty serious. 5 Years back I met someone at school, we were never friends or anything. But I started getting obsessed with seeing him at school, finding any excuse to talk to him or get his attention [normal teenage behaviour] and I got his email address and started talking on msn and giving him notes at school declaring my love for him. The less I saw of him the more I obsessed over where he was/what he was doing. It got the point where I lost pretty much all my friends over him. After he left school my attendance dropped as I saw that there was no reason to be there without him.

Over the years I have emailed him constantly, saying all sorts of things - that I love him, I’d do anything for him, threatened suicide many times. I find him in everything, every song, every thought, every dream - he’s always in my head. I’ve carved his name into my arm, I’ve written him a note in my blood, to try and prove my love and get his in return. I spend hours searching online for his myspace, facebook, any forum he’s ever posted on. I’ve begged him to meet up with me but he wont. I do all I can for any contact from him. I’ve been like this since I met him. Now I have a boyfriend but I’ve destroyed our relationship several times over emails to the other guy. I love my boyfriend, and I hate to hurt him. But its an addiction and obsession!! I’ve just looked at his facebook for the hundredth time and cannot take it anymore. I’m a stalker and I don’t know what to do, its controlling my life.

No matter how hard i try, regardless of what i do, or who i hurt.. I just cannot stop obsessing over this person :(

Lily
 
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Dollit

Guest
Unrequited love is hard but think about it like this. And this is a bit blunt but it's not intended to hurt.

You have a person who says they love you. You don't love them and for one reason or another you'd rather not have much contact with them. They follow you round and keep trace of what you're doing. No matter how much you try to keep a distance they break through. It's killed off any feelings that you may have had for this person long ago and you can't relax because you just don't know what's going to happen next.

And this is the person who loves you? What would they do if that love turned to dislike or even hate. What would they do then.

Would you treat someone you say you love that way?

I think you have this idea that if he loved you, was part of your life that things would be different. They wouldn't, you'd still be the same person. You change your life, not other people.
 
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LilysT

Member
Joined
Mar 1, 2009
Messages
7
I do understand what you are saying, many people have told me over the years similar to what you have said. But its not as simple as unrequited love - I’ve loved people before who didn’t love me in return and it broke my heart but I picked up the pieces and carried on. But its different with this guy. People constantly warned me to stay away from him because he’s apparently dangerous. I always used to stick up for him whenever I could - hence losing my friends over him.

I have become aware of the kind of person he is, I know he’s not what you’d call a nice person nor does he have much in the way of morals. My boyfriend doesn’t understand how I can see this person for what they really are yet still deny it and argue with anyone trying to show me the truth. Even when I convince myself I don’t love him anymore I still have to email him, check his myspace, facebook etc. When anyone mentions his name a feeling of dread overcomes me. I have gone through 2 panic attacks in recent months from attempting to go to his work place to see him but he wasn’t there. Last time I saw him, it was from the window and my heart was beating so hard I could hear it, I almost had a full blown panic attack. I get really anxious if I haven’t heard from him, I get shaky and twitchy and cannot sleep.

I have managed to go a few months without speaking to him - more his choice than mine. But I’d be thinking about him all day and night. Even now I am awake all night thinking about him, imagining seeing him, what I’d say, what I’d do. I know if my social anxiety fears didn’t keep me indoors I’d be out walking to streets hoping to find him. For me its kind of like self harm.. Like when those feelings are building up inside and you cannot take it so you cut yourself and it relaxes all the negative feelings.. For me all the anxieties build up and up until he talks to me again then all those feelings calm down and I feel almost human again. If that makes any sense?

God i must sound so stupid :unsure:
 
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Dollit

Guest
You seem to have convinced yourself that this not very nice man is the answer to your problems and that if he was there all the time then you wouldn't have problems - or that's the way I'm reading it.

Solutions come from within, we are guided sometimes by people but the people themselves are not the answer.

I don't really understand how you can say you love your boyfriend but are obsessed with another. It's possible to love two people but obsession isn't real.
 
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LilysT

Member
Joined
Mar 1, 2009
Messages
7
:( I don't know anything. Nothing is clear in my mind. I don't know what to do because as hard as i try i can't get over this alone and obviously my boyfriend doesn't like talking about it and i'm close to losing him again. I think that i am unable to feel anything towards other people even family, probably because of depression but this guy makes me feel something even if it is lots of anxiety and alittle calmness. I do care about people and wouldn't want anything bad to happen to my family or my boyfriend but theres an absence of emotion towards them.
 
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Hank

Member
Joined
Mar 1, 2009
Messages
6
Location
Hertfordshire/Cambridgeshire
Hello. You're "obsession" may well be your mind's way of trying to fill a hole. We can feel that if we persue something enough it will repair the damage inside, it can be so difficult to learn that it won't. We can spend each day repeating ourselves, trying to nourish a hunger and reaching out to something tangible. I identify with what you say about not feeling emotionally attached to our loved ones. It creates a vicious circle when that feels so wrong and our imagination invents an artificial goal for us to aspire to taking us further from our true selves and detaching us further from our real relationships. Often when we are not whole inside we don't need to learn was is an unhelpful behaviour but what is a helpful one. I hope I don't sound arrogant, I don't know the answer and we are all different, but I empathise.
I also suffer from depression, generalized anxiety and social anxiety.
Take care, talk again if you want to.
 
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abertha

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 11, 2008
Messages
69
I think it's safe to say that even though you think you love that guy, you certainly do not love him. By hurting yourself and threatening suicide to get him back, you are deliberately hurting him as well - which is not an act of love.

If you loved him, you would respect his wishes and leave him well alone, and want him to be happy.

If you loved your current boyfriend, you would not be making him miserable by pursuing another man that wants nothing to do with you.

It sounds like you need both of these men out of your life, and to find yourself before being with other people.

I have a friend, who was being 'stalked' in a very similar way to what you are doing. Not that Im saying you would be like here, but in the end it got so bad she tried to kill him, and now she is locked away.
 
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LilysT

Member
Joined
Mar 1, 2009
Messages
7
Me and my boyfriend split up today.. 11 months relationship and nearly 5 years friendship.. pretty much over.
 
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