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Need help on anger management.

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bonkers 4719

Member
Joined
Sep 15, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Malaysia
Anyone who has been in the shoe like mine, may need some opinions of yours.
My biological mother, looks like her days are numbered.
The trouble is, she never brought me up, today she is asking for lots of love and care and attention.
I tried very hard, really hard, to feel something for her perhaps, the harder I tried, the more I hate her.
I remembered her being someone who was violent and verbally abusive. Nothing but swearing and cursing and the knives been flying over your head.
I just hate her too much, actually till this day.
For the sake of karma, I'm forcing my self to take care of her, deep inside, I wished she quickly dissappear and may the karma stops there.
Both my parents disowned us.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
3,724
Location
England
Hello bonkers and welcome to the forum. I personally would say to my biological mother I wish her well but I am unable to have her in my life. I do not believe we should force ourselves to care for abusers just because they are unwell. I am sure nobody else will agree with me but I thought I would share my opinion with you.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
4,155
Location
Nashua NH
I’m sorry you are going through this what a difficult situation to be in. It is very noble and good of you to make the choice to care for your mother especially when she has been less than caring. I wonder if you have tried exercising or listening to loud angry music to relieve some of the negative emotions. That has worked for me in the past when negative emotions were strong. Remember during this time to take good care of yourself. Caregiving can easily lead to burnout. It’s important we put our own health first. xo, j
 
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bonkers 4719

Member
Joined
Sep 15, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Malaysia
Hello bonkers and welcome to the forum. I personally would say to my biological mother I wish her well but I am unable to have her in my life. I do not believe we should force ourselves to care for abusers just because they are unwell. I am sure nobody else will agree with me but I thought I would share my opinion with you.
Thank you for for saying something nice. More often than not, this would have been the most common answer I thought. Why do we have to care about people who never cared about us, who abused us instead!!! And I'm doing something which has been the complete opposite.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
3,724
Location
England
Thank you for for saying something nice. More often than not, this would have been the most common answer I thought. Why do we have to care about people who never cared about us, who abused us instead!!! And I'm doing something which has been the complete opposite.
I think you need to put yourself and your feelings first. If this is causing you pain then please think carefully. You deserve to be happy.
 
jajingna

jajingna

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
715
Location
Canada
That's a tough situation there, bonkers. How do you care for someone who wasn't good to you? Long time ago I had a similar thing with my father when he was dying. He was unable to walk, needed help to get to the bathroom, we'd push him on a chair from the kitchen. He was more bitter and angry than ever in his illness. It was hard to help him. He wasn't a loving father, but a troubled man who was unhappy a lot during his life. It's family but there's mixed feelings.
 
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bonkers 4719

Member
Joined
Sep 15, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Malaysia
I’m sorry you are going through this what a difficult situation to be in. It is very noble and good of you to make the choice to care for your mother especially when she has been less than caring. I wonder if you have tried exercising or listening to loud angry music to relieve some of the negative emotions. That has worked for me in the past when negative emotions were strong. Remember during this time to take good care of yourself. Caregiving can easily lead to burnout. It’s important we put our own health first. xo, j
Thank you for reminding me that self love is also a priority. I do appriciate. I've always been a healthy and happy person with lots of activities and outdoor sports.
She has suddenly became unwell since the corona virus pandermic. Everything became frozen for everyone, hasn't it? Including my own activities. Well, very likely I've been unable to destress my self doing what I like or really enjoy which has resulted me feeling like this.
 
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bonkers 4719

Member
Joined
Sep 15, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Malaysia
That's a tough situation there, bonkers. How do you care for someone who wasn't good to you? Long time ago I had a similar thing with my father when he was dying. He was unable to walk, needed help to get to the bathroom, we'd push him on a chair from the kitchen. He was more bitter and angry than ever in his illness. It was hard to help him. He wasn't a loving father, but a troubled man who was unhappy a lot during his life. It's family but there's mixed feelings.
It feels really good to talk to people who would have had the same experience. I may have to agree with you about the bitterness you spoke about. She cried a lot, yet I don't feel touched at all. I mean, I do feel sorry for her. Definitely, I can't and will not do more than what I've done. I'm a free lance, I have to work, I have to manage the grocery shopping, the cooking for both her partner and her, the cleaning of the entire house, my pets. Grief.
 
Zero One

Zero One

Well-known member
Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
2,538
Location
United States
I don't know much about karma but it sounds like you shouldn't be taking care of her... it's hurting you and she needs someone who cares about her around...it would make her more happy.
 
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bonkers 4719

Member
Joined
Sep 15, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Malaysia
Hi, I'm really getting comfortable with this site. People start giving opinions, in one sense which made me feel good. And surely thanks to you, Zero One.
Basically, I'm one very angry person. I'm not sad, simply angry. The more i do for her, the bigger the fury becomes. I know, it's going to eat me up eventually.
She does have her man to change her diapers and what not. Another problem I have is, I got to be taking of her man too you know, preparing his meals and so forth.
My schedules/clocks are kind of fixed. Even additional 1 hour caused my life to go hay wire.
Precisely, I hate to do things for her. Again thanks to you. Opinions do make big changes to people's life like mine.
 
M

Misty3

New member
Joined
Sep 17, 2020
Messages
1
Location
Whitby
Hi, I'm really getting comfortable with this site. People start giving opinions, in one sense which made me feel good. And surely thanks to you, Zero One.
Basically, I'm one very angry person. I'm not sad, simply angry. The more i do for her, the bigger the fury becomes. I know, it's going to eat me up eventually.
She does have her man to change her diapers and what not. Another problem I have is, I got to be taking of her man too you know, preparing his meals and so forth.
My schedules/clocks are kind of fixed. Even additional 1 hour caused my life to go hay wire.
Precisely, I hate to do things for her. Again thanks to you. Opinions do make big changes to people's life like mine.
Oh my God, what a terrible situation to be in. You really have to stop what you are doing. There is a reason there are carers out there. Put that loyal side of you into finding physical care for her.
It's out there. If you carry on doing what you are doing it will wreck you. You hate her, so you are then suffering with the guilt of feeling that, so your trying to help her. God bless you, you are amazing. But this cannot go on another minute. Go see your GP, explain what is happening. It is vital she has other care and vital you are free from such a nightmare. Please go and see your GP, and also know your own future can be so different and so much better.
 
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bonkers 4719

Member
Joined
Sep 15, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Malaysia
I thank you, Misty, for listening. On my own, i do have very good support system, yet i don't want to bother people all the time by listening to my brags . . . Truthfully, i do feel at times my relationship with others are becoming sour, well, been tired most of the time anyway. Ive always been a cheerful person until 4 months ago.
I spoke to a counsellor the other day, she told me to try to strike a balance somewhere.
I know ive got to make a decision finally. It can be difficult. You are right when you mentioned about Guilt, maybe Ive been too sensitive, trying to please others rather than myself.
Thank you for your support, it's always nice to get positive feedbacks from good people out there.
 
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