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Need help on anger management.

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bonkers 4719

Member
Joined
Sep 15, 2020
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6
Location
Malaysia
Anyone who has been in the shoe like mine, may need some opinions of yours.
My biological mother, looks like her days are numbered.
The trouble is, she never brought me up, today she is asking for lots of love and care and attention.
I tried very hard, really hard, to feel something for her perhaps, the harder I tried, the more I hate her.
I remembered her being someone who was violent and verbally abusive. Nothing but swearing and cursing and the knives been flying over your head.
I just hate her too much, actually till this day.
For the sake of karma, I'm forcing my self to take care of her, deep inside, I wished she quickly dissappear and may the karma stops there.
Both my parents disowned us.
 
B

bpd2020

ACCOUNT CLOSED
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May 25, 2020
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7,535
Location
England
Hello bonkers and welcome to the forum. I personally would say to my biological mother I wish her well but I am unable to have her in my life. I do not believe we should force ourselves to care for abusers just because they are unwell. I am sure nobody else will agree with me but I thought I would share my opinion with you.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,145
Location
Nashua NH
I’m sorry you are going through this what a difficult situation to be in. It is very noble and good of you to make the choice to care for your mother especially when she has been less than caring. I wonder if you have tried exercising or listening to loud angry music to relieve some of the negative emotions. That has worked for me in the past when negative emotions were strong. Remember during this time to take good care of yourself. Caregiving can easily lead to burnout. It’s important we put our own health first. xo, j
 
B

bonkers 4719

Member
Joined
Sep 15, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Malaysia
Hello bonkers and welcome to the forum. I personally would say to my biological mother I wish her well but I am unable to have her in my life. I do not believe we should force ourselves to care for abusers just because they are unwell. I am sure nobody else will agree with me but I thought I would share my opinion with you.
Thank you for for saying something nice. More often than not, this would have been the most common answer I thought. Why do we have to care about people who never cared about us, who abused us instead!!! And I'm doing something which has been the complete opposite.
 
B

bpd2020

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May 25, 2020
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Thank you for for saying something nice. More often than not, this would have been the most common answer I thought. Why do we have to care about people who never cared about us, who abused us instead!!! And I'm doing something which has been the complete opposite.
I think you need to put yourself and your feelings first. If this is causing you pain then please think carefully. You deserve to be happy.
 
jajingna

jajingna

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
4,522
Location
Canada
That's a tough situation there, bonkers. How do you care for someone who wasn't good to you? Long time ago I had a similar thing with my father when he was dying. He was unable to walk, needed help to get to the bathroom, we'd push him on a chair from the kitchen. He was more bitter and angry than ever in his illness. It was hard to help him. He wasn't a loving father, but a troubled man who was unhappy a lot during his life. It's family but there's mixed feelings.
 
B

bonkers 4719

Member
Joined
Sep 15, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Malaysia
I’m sorry you are going through this what a difficult situation to be in. It is very noble and good of you to make the choice to care for your mother especially when she has been less than caring. I wonder if you have tried exercising or listening to loud angry music to relieve some of the negative emotions. That has worked for me in the past when negative emotions were strong. Remember during this time to take good care of yourself. Caregiving can easily lead to burnout. It’s important we put our own health first. xo, j
Thank you for reminding me that self love is also a priority. I do appriciate. I've always been a healthy and happy person with lots of activities and outdoor sports.
She has suddenly became unwell since the corona virus pandermic. Everything became frozen for everyone, hasn't it? Including my own activities. Well, very likely I've been unable to destress my self doing what I like or really enjoy which has resulted me feeling like this.
 
B

bonkers 4719

Member
Joined
Sep 15, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Malaysia
That's a tough situation there, bonkers. How do you care for someone who wasn't good to you? Long time ago I had a similar thing with my father when he was dying. He was unable to walk, needed help to get to the bathroom, we'd push him on a chair from the kitchen. He was more bitter and angry than ever in his illness. It was hard to help him. He wasn't a loving father, but a troubled man who was unhappy a lot during his life. It's family but there's mixed feelings.
It feels really good to talk to people who would have had the same experience. I may have to agree with you about the bitterness you spoke about. She cried a lot, yet I don't feel touched at all. I mean, I do feel sorry for her. Definitely, I can't and will not do more than what I've done. I'm a free lance, I have to work, I have to manage the grocery shopping, the cooking for both her partner and her, the cleaning of the entire house, my pets. Grief.
 
Zero One

Zero One

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May 19, 2020
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I don't know much about karma but it sounds like you shouldn't be taking care of her... it's hurting you and she needs someone who cares about her around...it would make her more happy.
 
B

bonkers 4719

Member
Joined
Sep 15, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Malaysia
Hi, I'm really getting comfortable with this site. People start giving opinions, in one sense which made me feel good. And surely thanks to you, Zero One.
Basically, I'm one very angry person. I'm not sad, simply angry. The more i do for her, the bigger the fury becomes. I know, it's going to eat me up eventually.
She does have her man to change her diapers and what not. Another problem I have is, I got to be taking of her man too you know, preparing his meals and so forth.
My schedules/clocks are kind of fixed. Even additional 1 hour caused my life to go hay wire.
Precisely, I hate to do things for her. Again thanks to you. Opinions do make big changes to people's life like mine.
 
M

Misty3

New member
Joined
Sep 17, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Whitby
Hi, I'm really getting comfortable with this site. People start giving opinions, in one sense which made me feel good. And surely thanks to you, Zero One.
Basically, I'm one very angry person. I'm not sad, simply angry. The more i do for her, the bigger the fury becomes. I know, it's going to eat me up eventually.
She does have her man to change her diapers and what not. Another problem I have is, I got to be taking of her man too you know, preparing his meals and so forth.
My schedules/clocks are kind of fixed. Even additional 1 hour caused my life to go hay wire.
Precisely, I hate to do things for her. Again thanks to you. Opinions do make big changes to people's life like mine.
Oh my God, what a terrible situation to be in. You really have to stop what you are doing. There is a reason there are carers out there. Put that loyal side of you into finding physical care for her.
It's out there. If you carry on doing what you are doing it will wreck you. You hate her, so you are then suffering with the guilt of feeling that, so your trying to help her. God bless you, you are amazing. But this cannot go on another minute. Go see your GP, explain what is happening. It is vital she has other care and vital you are free from such a nightmare. Please go and see your GP, and also know your own future can be so different and so much better.
 
B

bonkers 4719

Member
Joined
Sep 15, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Malaysia
I thank you, Misty, for listening. On my own, i do have very good support system, yet i don't want to bother people all the time by listening to my brags . . . Truthfully, i do feel at times my relationship with others are becoming sour, well, been tired most of the time anyway. Ive always been a cheerful person until 4 months ago.
I spoke to a counsellor the other day, she told me to try to strike a balance somewhere.
I know ive got to make a decision finally. It can be difficult. You are right when you mentioned about Guilt, maybe Ive been too sensitive, trying to please others rather than myself.
Thank you for your support, it's always nice to get positive feedbacks from good people out there.
 
M

Misty3

New member
Joined
Sep 17, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Whitby
I thank you, Misty, for listening. On my own, i do have very good support system, yet i don't want to bother people all the time by listening to my brags . . . Truthfully, i do feel at times my relationship with others are becoming sour, well, been tired most of the time anyway. Ive always been a cheerful person until 4 months ago.
I spoke to a counsellor the other day, she told me to try to strike a balance somewhere.
I know ive got to make a decision finally. It can be difficult. You are right when you mentioned about Guilt, maybe Ive been too sensitive, trying to please others rather than myself.
Thank you for your support, it's always nice to get positive feedbacks from good people out there.
Hey there, sounds like you are totally aware of where you are at. I too am having to face the fact that all my relationships seem to be in some kind of conflict, and this has caused me massive upset. However, I'm now realising that maybe this is ok. Relationships change, people change. Being too sensitive is a beautiful quality, but yes it does mean others can and do use and abuse that. But nothing is stopping us becoming stronger if we want.
What is the decision you feel you have to make? That sounds pretty intense.
I'll help if I can
 
S

Steve1981

Member
Joined
Oct 16, 2020
Messages
17
Location
Adelaide
Hi, I'm really getting comfortable with this site. People start giving opinions, in one sense which made me feel good. And surely thanks to you, Zero One.
Basically, I'm one very angry person. I'm not sad, simply angry. The more i do for her, the bigger the fury becomes. I know, it's going to eat me up eventually.
She does have her man to change her diapers and what not. Another problem I have is, I got to be taking of her man too you know, preparing his meals and so forth.
My schedules/clocks are kind of fixed. Even additional 1 hour caused my life to go hay wire.
Precisely, I hate to do things for her. Again thanks to you. Opinions do make big changes to people's life like mine.
You are making a heroic effort by taking care of this person. I have the goal of taking care of my parents when they are older and I worry that the memories of previous abuse will arise. The anger thing. That is a hard one. One thing I can say is that you are not an angry person. Anger arises and passes away due to causes and conditions I have started to try and realize this by focusing on the little irritations. Something happens and irritation arises if you are able and with practice you can watch it come and go. Anger is one of those intense emotions which has the potential to do dammage to you and the people around you. It takes bravery to look at this emotion, in the body, the urges, the feeling in the head, because it can be so strong. But it is stronger to look at it. I was on a road called anger for much of my life I thought it was normal but it was making me suffer it caused the breakdown of a very important relationship and led to a massive breakdown for me I am still not as functional in the world as I was. You can be brave and look at this anger bit by bit as it arises. Remember it is not you, you are not an angry person. The anger comes because of conditions which you face. You can do this
 
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