Need help...moods swinging too much!

[cosmic_critter]

Long so bear with me!

I was diagnosed with depression in 6th form when I had anxiety over my A levels and people there, feeling like it wasn't worth it to continue and my teachers not thinking I was good enough for uni. They wouldn't let me do the same UCAS preparation as everyone else and it made things worse of course.

I got CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and got back to college, got my A levels and went to university. Passed with a 2:1 with hons. Never want to go back for a reunion there.

Things went ok through uni, had a few up and downs but nothing new. I found myself in a new relationship last year and we went though a lot of things together, and very varied ups and downs for almost a year. Then he dumped me out of the blue and everything went wrong.

I went back to find my job ending soon, things had been hard to deal with with some people, people from my past were coming back into my life. I tried courses, some of my family got very sick, I couldn't cope with deciding on study and the amount of work was a lot along with my volunteering.

I couldn't keep still and the thoughts of suicide came back again.

Then he apologised and took me back, to which I felt so relieved, so happy...only to have it thrown back in my face. He didn't really want to talk, he just wanted sex. The sex was good, I'm not disputing that, but it wasn't all I wanted at the time. I came back confused. He started to ignore me when he saw me, texting me things saying "it's funny how you still turn me on at times", so not only using me like a piece of meat, but how even that didn't always work.

Then he said he wanted to move on from us, even though he had dumped me already? It was like scratching at the wound. I dropped a course and started another. My money was dwindling, and I can't afford it now. I try to apply for jobs and they're not coming. I have volunteering, but I really need the money. I have breathing problems and feel like I'm going to die. Sometimes I like them because I don't want to live anymore at times. My appetite has gone, even when I'm hungry I don't want to eat now. Nothing gives me that long term feeling of happiness anymore. I want to live, but I don't want it to be a struggle. My life isn't that bad, but it feels so hard. I'm scared of taking antidepressants in case of it being on record. Help me

 

[LB05]

Hi, i understand where you are coming from, however my ex didn't take me back. He walked out on me out of the blue. I understand how that feels, like your world has been pulled out from under your feet and you can't control it.

You should worry about taking medication, i felt exactly the same about it being on record. but having gone for it, i've realised that taking the tablets isn't as bad as how i feel without them. You shouldn't worry about that sort of thing, it's a small thing compared to how it could be. Half the time people won't even know about it.

I am the same when it comes to the thoughts of not wanting to live, but there is a small piece that says don't do it. but i totally understand how you feel when you say that you don't want it to be a struggle, it's how i think everyday. I to lost my appetite, but i found by not forcing myself to eat something made me feel even worst. So i still try to this day.

I hope this has helped xx

 

[TOONAFISH]

hiya. first of all sorry about all thats happened. my ex left me and our two year old so i know how it feels. 2nd i think you should def seek medical advice and if that means taking anti d's then it is nothing to be ashamed of. maybe it will be on your medical record but who will see that? and if they do does it matter. life is hard bloody hard, but try and seek out the good bits (hard sometimes i know). maybe get into a good course that you really enjoy and working part time?? i m sorry i cant be much help. hope your ok x