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Need help and support for my mum

Butterfly_girl

Butterfly_girl

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Joined
Oct 3, 2020
Messages
10
Location
Uk
Hi there
Firstly thanks for taking the time to read my 1st post.
I’m a mother, wife, daughter, employee, friend to many in my 40’s. I’m at a loss of how I can help my mum.
My mum is the eldest child of a large family - she has shared many scenarios of issues from her childhood repeatedly to many over the years - from her feeling that she was being treated differently being the eldest etc - no doubt she had a hard up bringing. This has impacted her relationships with her siblings. Her own mother used to cast up things from her past constantly which I think is the start of my mums mental health behaviours. My mum has had cancer 3 times and thankfully is a survivor. My father has not been the best husband/dad in the world but I think he’s a saint putting up with the constant mood swings, negativity, constant criticism etc. However I have viewed physical & mental abuse from my dad to my mum several times over the years when I was a child and a few times in my adult life! I feel this made me a strong individual, as I witnessed things I never wanted to see with parents - this made me promise myself I wouldn’t put up with what my poor mum has had to for a lot of her life.

I’m married, have a good relationship with my children, husband and in-laws. My mum showed some jealousy signs of the relationship I’ve had with my in-laws but that has got worse over the years to the point now where I’m walking on egg shells and am scared to tell her I’m doing anything with them or even my friends as she acts irrational and super jealous.

I am desperate for advice from anyone who feels they can help me, to help my mum. I love my mum so much but everything I’ve tried just goes in one ear and out the other. she knows she behaves bad and apologies, every time these happens, it just chips away at me - making me want to stay away... which I don’t, but I’m feeling this is impacting me more now than ever.
If anyone in this forum can help me how best to help my mum, I’ll be for ever grateful.
🦋
 
A

Am33

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I would sit your mum down calmly and tell her how her behavior is effecting you . And you believe its time she seeks a therapist to help her overcome her anger , negativity which is toxic to her and you .
 
B

bpd2020

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Hello butterfly girl. You are such a kind, thoughtful daughter. I can hear you love your mum very much. It sounds like you have taken on the parent role and want to protect your mum. However, I think you need to put up some boundaries. It is not fair for your mum to take out her mood on you and you do not deserve to be treated that way. As your mum is jealous of your relationship with your in laws I would not mention them to her. I understand wanting to tell your mum all about your life but it sounds like doing that will just cause you distress.

You cannot be the parent to your mum. She needs to recognise she needs help and get herself treatment. You can be there to support her but not to allow her to make you feel bad. You do not deserve that.

On another note, I think it is fantastic you have a happy relationship and friends despite things you witnessed as a child. I think you should be so proud you managed to break the cycle.
 
Butterfly_girl

Butterfly_girl

Member
Joined
Oct 3, 2020
Messages
10
Location
Uk
Thanks for the reply AM33 & bpd2020. I did ask my mum out for lunch yesterday and we were able to go over my concerns amicably. She still doesn’t want to see a Dr or therapist and just said she will be ok. I’ve encouraged her again to go, that I know it will help her to come to some closure on her past and current frustrations etc and give her a way to move forward.
This time, I took more time to listen, tell her that I love her and that I want her to be happy, to focus on her self for a change, stop worrying about what she thinks others think and do things she loves. For the first time she has came up with her own suggestions of doing a class learning on flower arranging. When we left each other, I took time to give her a good hug and I feel it’s given her a bit hope. It felt good for me too, as is hard for me to be affectionate around her when she is constantly negative, temperamental and jealous. I am going to make an effort to meet in person weekly as I can see she feels unwanted, unloved and that her friends have lost interest. Hopefully this will start to build bridges for her by taking small steps at a time
🦋
 
Butterfly_girl

Butterfly_girl

Member
Joined
Oct 3, 2020
Messages
10
Location
Uk
Hello butterfly girl. You are such a kind, thoughtful daughter. I can hear you love your mum very much. It sounds like you have taken on the parent role and want to protect your mum. However, I think you need to put up some boundaries. It is not fair for your mum to take out her mood on you and you do not deserve to be treated that way. As your mum is jealous of your relationship with your in laws I would not mention them to her. I understand wanting to tell your mum all about your life but it sounds like doing that will just cause you distress.

You cannot be the parent to your mum. She needs to recognise she needs help and get herself treatment. You can be there to support her but not to allow her to make you feel bad. You do not deserve that.

On another note, I think it is fantastic you have a happy relationship and friends despite things you witnessed as a child. I think you should be so proud you managed to break the cycle.
I truly believe I have learned “How NOT to be” from my parents... which has made me strong in what I do want and what I would never put up with. I put huge effort in with my children, as I want to ensure I never let them see what I had experienced - naturally loving being with them, being firm, having boundaries, letting them make mistakes and best of all seeing two confident individuals grown up, standing on their own and making their own way in life... and my husband and I are both by their sides when they want/need us. I feel like they are our greatest achievements!
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

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Messages
3,941
Location
Glasgow
Hi there
Firstly thanks for taking the time to read my 1st post.
I’m a mother, wife, daughter, employee, friend to many in my 40’s. I’m at a loss of how I can help my mum.
My mum is the eldest child of a large family - she has shared many scenarios of issues from her childhood repeatedly to many over the years - from her feeling that she was being treated differently being the eldest etc - no doubt she had a hard up bringing. This has impacted her relationships with her siblings. Her own mother used to cast up things from her past constantly which I think is the start of my mums mental health behaviours. My mum has had cancer 3 times and thankfully is a survivor. My father has not been the best husband/dad in the world but I think he’s a saint putting up with the constant mood swings, negativity, constant criticism etc. However I have viewed physical & mental abuse from my dad to my mum several times over the years when I was a child and a few times in my adult life! I feel this made me a strong individual, as I witnessed things I never wanted to see with parents - this made me promise myself I wouldn’t put up with what my poor mum has had to for a lot of her life.

I’m married, have a good relationship with my children, husband and in-laws. My mum showed some jealousy signs of the relationship I’ve had with my in-laws but that has got worse over the years to the point now where I’m walking on egg shells and am scared to tell her I’m doing anything with them or even my friends as she acts irrational and super jealous.

I am desperate for advice from anyone who feels they can help me, to help my mum. I love my mum so much but everything I’ve tried just goes in one ear and out the other. she knows she behaves bad and apologies, every time these happens, it just chips away at me - making me want to stay away... which I don’t, but I’m feeling this is impacting me more now than ever.
If anyone in this forum can help me how best to help my mum, I’ll be for ever grateful.
🦋
Mamma bear misses being a mummy to her young cubs. Not uncommon in older ladies
 
Butterfly_girl

Butterfly_girl

Member
Joined
Oct 3, 2020
Messages
10
Location
Uk
Mamma bear misses being a mummy to her young cubs. Not uncommon in older ladies
Totally agree.... I need to remember that quote... to ensure i ask my mum for help occasionally to keep her knowing that i do need her too.
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

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Totally agree.... I need to remember that quote... to ensure i ask my mum for help occasionally to keep her knowing that i do need her too.
Ask her for things even whe you dont need it. Or fnd her things thats really help. My ex had the flying the nest stuff. She was lost without runing around after the kids when they all grew up xxx
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

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Joined
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Messages
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Location
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Ask her for things even whe you dont need it. Or fnd her things thats really help. My ex had the flying the nest stuff. She was lost without runing around after the kids when they all grew up xxx
You will be the big mama bear one day so help yours out. But dont let on obviously
 
Butterfly_girl

Butterfly_girl

Member
Joined
Oct 3, 2020
Messages
10
Location
Uk
You will be the big mama bear one day so help yours out. But dont let on obviously
I’m already the big Mamma Bear 🤗 - I’ve a different relationship with my children and just love that they are independent, they come when they want to chat, want advice & always first people they call when in trouble. I can’t ask for more. I’m now going into this myself... as my eldest about to get married next year and I’ve built up strong relationship with my new daughter-in-law to be. Actually I’m away wedding dress shopping with her and her mum today, so I feel very privileged 🥰
I’m defo going to ask my mum to do some things for me sporadically and I know she’d love this, but something I very seldom do. Another easy thing for me to do, so thanks soooo much for highlighting to me! Really appreciate it and thanks for suggesting! 🦋
 
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