Need advice...

[corinne]

I've tried to keep this as short as possible, but it's still too long, my apologies!

From the time I was very small, I knew I never wanted children. I got married very young and, due to birth control failure, became pregnant and had an abortion. I started taking birth control pills to prevent the possibility of another pregnancy. I was put on antibiotics for a throat infection, and no one at the doc's office told me antibiotics can interfere with the pill. I got pregnant again, found out when I was 2 months along.

I fully expected to have another abortion and was floored when my husband told me he wanted us to have the baby and refused to sign the paperwork. At that time, the state we lived in required the husband's signature before a married woman could have an abortion. I begged and pleaded, but he was unmoved and told me having a baby would be a wonderful thing for us and I would change my mind and be happy once I held the baby in my arms.

I went through 7 months of hell, I hated every moment of the pregnancy. It was horrible and all the more so because I did not want it. I did do all the things you are supposed to do, no alcohol, no caffeine, lots of dairy foods, fruit and veggies and exercise because I figured this was not the child's fault and I owed it to give it as healthy a start as possible. But I hoped for a miscarriage every single day.

I gave birth to a baby with a disability which caused him to be a very difficult infant and child. He was also diagnosed with borderline ADHD, but not put on medication. Everything was a momentous struggle from the time he was born until we finally managed to get him through school. He is grown now and out on his own, but keeps getting himself into financial trouble and we have to bail him out.

My husband is a wonderful person and I dearly love him and I am so happy to be married to him, but I am so angry at him for putting us through all of this. And I am also angry with myself that I still feel this way. I do love my son, but I realize how much easier and happier life would be if my husband had only signed that paperwork and we would have remained childless.

And I am so angry that I was forced to carry out a pregnancy I did not want, I remember how desperate I felt, being trapped in the situation with no way out. I've talked this over with my husband many times and he has apologized, but I am still angry and resentful.

So, I don't know what to do to get over this anger. I have never had therapy and I don't know if that would help? And I am afraid of being judged too, it is such a no-no in our society to not want children, and to admit to regret having them usually results in being branded as a terrible, horrible person.

 

[Dollit]

I'm a little concerned for you that you've actually carried the anger for so many years and never come to terms with it.

What do you feel that having your son made you miss out on? And if your husband is this wonderful man he's also the man who refused to sign the paperwork - that doesn't really add up. Are you grieving for the life you feel you should have had. Nearly all of us have had a different life from the one we would have liked.

I can only speak personally but if I had been that angry at someone for so many years I don't think I could honestly say I loved them.

I think talking to a counsellor could be a good idea - anger is a specialism in counselling and here we can only speak from our own experiences.

 

[Michael]

I think a lot of my thoughts on abortion are based on how I was brought up. Having had three children (with my wife of course) I think I can understand now your point of view, doesn't really help though does it.
Having said that I continually look back on my life and surprise surprise the bad parts continually come back to haunt me, I have to be reminded of the good parts and when I am reminded they do come flooding back.
I can't change any of the things that have happened in the past, I have or should I say am learning how to live with and accept them as a part of me. Counselling can help, in fact it does help to offload onto someone else who is not 'connected'.

From reading your thread a few times something tells me that you appear vulnerable at this time and as such should be careful in what you do. If you have the opportunity to have counselling, maybe even with your husband it may show a path you can both take to understanding and acceptance.

Looking back I have made many mistakes and said things to my wife that I would dearly love to take back, even though at the time of saying them I truly believed in what I said. You seem to have come through a lot of things together maybe a bit of help now will help maybe to not resolve your issues but understand them and other peoples as well.

I do wish you well, and hope my rambling makes some sense, it is a very deep subject which is different for each and every one of us, and therefore there is no one fix cures all. but be assured that support can be here when you want it through this difficult time.

Michael

 

[corinne]

Dollit, I don't know if you have children, but if you do, you know how difficult raising them is even under the best circumstances. If you end up with a very, very difficult child when you did not want to have children in the first place, the situation becomes life-altering, and not in a good way.

I gave up work and school because every babysitter quit on us. At that time, my husband had a job which required him to travel a lot, and made more money than I did, so having him be a stay-at-home dad was not an option. Sure, I could have drugged our son into oblivion with Ritalin and other meds, but I didn't feel that was the right approach.

Once he reached school age and I was finally able to go back to work, a good day was a day without calls from school. He was never completely kicked out of school, but he was suspended many times. During those years, I just coped as best as I could. Now that he is out on his own and I have had time to really think about all of this, it is making me angry. I didn't mean to imply that I've been running around with rage and anger for years and years.

Michael, thank you for your words, it is lovely to have a dad of three be understanding of my situation. What you wrote is exactly what is happening to me, I look back at the bad parts and they make me upset and I question why I was forced to deal with all of this. I know there are people who have it so much worse, and I am being sort of crybaby, but I am in my 40's and maybe I can blame perimeno, or a midlife crisis.

Edited to add, I really thank both of you for your suggestions. I think you are both right and counseling and talking all of this over might really help.