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Need advice! Relationship with girl who has BPD and bipolar disorder. Long post.

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matt123

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Mar 9, 2014
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Need advice! Relationship with girl who has BPD and bipolar disorder. Long post.

In the Fall of 2012 I started dating a girl who has BPD and bi-polar disorder. I am 29 and she is 21. I have known her since she was just a kid, and was friends with her family for about ten years. I never expected for us to be in a relationship, but when she got older she started talking to me more and we eventually hit it off.

When we first got into a relationship, things were fantastic. We shared everything in common, the same ideas, tastes, music, opinions, views, beliefs. We never argued and even said I don't think it's possible for us to argue. It was heavenly bliss.

Getting into the relationship, and being around her family for so long, I knew that she had a dark past.. Her parents split up when she was 9 years old and she grew up fast.. She was already engaging in sex and drinking by the time she was 13 or 14. She got involved with an abusive and controlling guy when she was in high school. She was 16 and I believe he was 18 or 19 at the time. He got her pregnant when she was 16, she had a miscarriage, and then a few months later he got her pregnant again and she decided to keep it. He abandoned her and left her a few months into her pregnancy. Despite this, she still finished high school.

Not long after she had her baby, she became increasingly depressed and self-destructive. She claims she had thoughts of self harm and depression for years, even before this scenario, but after she had her baby it got much worse. She would cut herself and even attempted suicide multiple times by overdosing on prescription meds and by drinking bleach. She was put into a mental institution for nearly a year.

The father of her child somehow managed to gain full custody of her son, and she only gets to see him two days a week at the moment because "he permits it" but for a while he refused to let her see him at all. I do not know the full story behind why she isn't allowed to be around her son, but it doesn't seem right.

Despite her dark history and troubled childhood, she always seemed to be a very sweet and caring person. She never judged me or tried to change me and was always very supportive and caring. She claimed to want to get over her past and live a good life.

After only a few months into the relationship, I noticed that she seemed to have a lot of health problems.. She is always nauseous, exhausted, has severe headaches, throws up a lot, and has bodily aches and pains that seem to never go away. She had to have her gall bladder out a few years ago because it wasn't functioning normally. She has also had her appendix taken out. During a good amount of the relationship, I found myself taking her to the ER a lot.. Sometimes once a week. Almost every single time we went to the ER, they found nothing wrong with her, yet she had symptoms. The few times they did find something wrong, once it was a blood clotting disorder that she had to be on blood thinners for, because she had clots in her lung, and the other case was bleeding of her stomach lining, because she was actually throwing up blood. They have also had to give her a lumbar puncture in her lower spine to drain spinal fluid in an attempt to stop the headaches. All of these health problems seem very strange and uncommon for someone her age and I am still very confused by it because aside from the blood clotting disorder, they have found NOTHING else wrong with her and they have given her every test known to man. Many times I became frustrated with the constant trips to the ER and doctors visits to find out that nothing was wrong, and began to question it with her, and this made her very upset and angry with me. It's as if she demands that I stay by he side throughout it, without question, even though it was becoming absurd and confusing for me.

Something else that was also very frustrating for me is that I'm a very driven person. I'm working a decent job, going to school full time and I have a lot of hobbies. She is currently on social security and not working, gets food stamps, medical assistance, housing assistance, sleeps a lot and only seems to clean her house and hang out with friends. She has also physically let herself go, and has gained a lot of weight and refuses to go to the gym with me. She went with me for a month or two, and then gave up on it. At first, I didn't have a problem with any of this, but she's been doing it for about two years now. Any time I tried to approach her about it and encourage her to look for work or do something more productive with her time, she got extremely angry and defensive. You cannot talk to her about it. She gets downright vicious, threatens to walk home and even tried getting out of my car while I was driving on more than one ocassion. Any time I try to have a serious conversation with her about things we need to work on, she gets angry and defensive. She takes my advice as being "controlling" and she seems to think I'm just trying to run her life and tell her what to do, but I'm really just giving advice. She has a lot of male friends, some of which are ex's, and I had a problem with this at first, but after realizing they weren't around much and had girlfriends of their own, I accepted it. She doesn't seem to get along with females very much and mostly has male friends who she hangs out with while I'm at school or work.

In late July of 2013, we broke up. She admitted to me that she had gone through my phone and found conversations of me complaining to my friends about her problems. She had been asking me for a few weeks if I had been talking to anyone about our problems, and I told her no.. That was a lie, because I did indeed complain about these frustrations to my friends via text message. I was furious that she went through my phone, regardless of my lie, and felt that the trust was broken and we had a huge fight. I left that night and we didn't speak at all for two weeks.

After not speaking for two weeks, she unblocked me on facebook and contacted me. She said she didn't want to break up that night and that she was sorry for everything. We didn't see each other right away, but after some conversation and apologies, we met up and talked things through. We didn't make ourselves "official" again right away, but we hung out as a couple for about a month and then finally called it official again.

During this time, she seemed to have changed for the better. She was doing more with herself and her anger problems seemed to be subsiding. She admitted to having issues with her anger and mood swings and was getting her medications adjusted. Things seemed to be looking up.

Another month goes by, she starts her new semester at school and everything seems to be great. She had trouble getting back into school because of failing a class and being $3,000 short on her tuition, so she convinced her dad to get a private loan to cover her tuition. A little over a month into the semester, she withdrew from school for medical leave because she was missing too many days because of health problems and doctor appointments. This got me very frustrated again but things continued on as normal and I was supportive of her decision to withdraw from school temporarily.

I continued on with what I was already doing, and she continued with what she had already been doing as well, except she wasn't going to school anymore. Her behavior at times was shady.. She would hang out with her friends and drink while I was in school or at work. She always kept in contact though, but a few instances just seemed very suspicious when she wouldn't respond for hours and even one time didn't respond until the next day. She spent her money like it had no meaning to it. She would binge eat and just indulge in "impulsive" behavior. Everything about her behavior seemed to be impulsive without any consideration to how it affected me or her or our future. She didn't see anything wrong with it and once again told me I was just being "controlling". After she had gone through my phone, breaking my trust, this kind of behavior just made me increasingly paranoid.. Drinking and hanging out with male friends while I'm not around just made me angry and paranoid.

I also found out that in early January she had stopped taking ALL of her medications that she had been on for years because she said they were just making her more depressed and suicidal.

In late January of 2014, I broke up with her, just less than two months ago. All of these frustrations had been building up over the 4th quarter of last year and through the holidays, and without being able to speak to her about it, without the risk of an argument or misunderstanding, I just let it go in hopes that it would stop. When it didn't stop, I finally broke up with her.

When I broke up with her, I let loose a stream of insulting text messages. In a brutally honest way, I pointed out all of her problems regarding government assistance, weight issues, emotional and mood problems and told her to get her act together, and I was not nice about it... She also insulted me back, and we basically exchanged insults via text message. She made threats at me as well, and even shared this awful conversation publicly on her facebook.

Two weeks go by.. We didn't speak. I had her blocked. I began to feel guilty and started to regret my decision to break up with her. I missed her dearly, regardless of all the issues we were having. I wrote her a letter, apologizing and saying I was wrong and should have given her more of a chance and didn't realize at the time what she was going through. At first, she said she didn't believe it, but then seemed to change her mind and requested that I come over and talk with her.

I went to her house, we talked for a bit, and then cried with each other.. I burst into tears like a little baby and cried for nearly 10 minutes straight, and she did as well. After that we talked for nearly 5 hours straight about everything and I spent the night. We both agreed to work on things and give it another shot..

A week goes by, everything seems great. We did things with each other for valentine's day and had some intimate moments. No arguing. Very warm feelings toward each other.. I was happy again. Suddenly after about 9 days of hanging out with no problems, she got very angry and bitter out of nowhere. She fell asleep at my house while we were hanging out, and i woke her up and told her I was going to give her a ride home since she was tired. She became furious at this, and threatened to walk home. I convinced her to let me give her a ride. She was bitter and arguing with me the whole ride back to her house and tried to get out of my car at stop lights a few times. She got out of my car, slammed my door, and went into her house.

When I got home, I looked at my phone and she sent a text message saying "lose my number, we just can't get along". But, I hadn't even done anything other than offer to take her home.. I called her, and we talked for a few moments and she said that we should just be friends and that in my next relationship I should "just accept people as they are and be glad I have someone".

The next day, she messages me and tells me to have a good day and to not be too upset about things. She then flipped out on me, because I had unblocked a female friend on facebook whom she didn't like (someone that I had complained to about her in the summer). After blocking this girl again, she calmed down within a day or two and after a few days we were talking again.. She said that she missed me.. I met up with her and begged her to give me a chance and that I will not be paranoid or nitpick over her problems anymore. I told her that I loved her dearly and that I don't care about her problems and that I just wanted to be with her. I told her I would change no matter what. She agreed to give me a chance.

A few days go by.. Warm feelings turn to anger again.. She goes from saying she loves me and needs me around, to treating me like s**t and acting like she hates me. This has been going on for over a month now. She says she misses me and wants me around, and that she loves me, but when I'm around she gets angry and resentful. She tells me she's trying to get over the insults that I made, but is having trouble getting over it. She says she loves me, but can't forgive me or trust me anymore.

When I broke up with her in late January, she went into some sort of manic rage. The $3,000 loan that her dad got her so that she could go back to school was refunded to her and she spent all of the money in a month. She hadn't been taking her medications for over a month at this point.

So, this is where we are now.. She contacts me, misses me, cries and wishes things were like they used to be. I comfort her and support her in every way I can, and then after a few days she pulls a 180 and gets extremely angry at me and tells me to get out of her life and blocks me on facebook.. A few days go by, she contacts me again and it's the same thing all over again. It's this constant love/hate/love/hate cycle. Keep in mind, she has not been on her medications for over two months now.

What she doesn't seem to realize is that she also said hurtful things, and also broke trust, and also did a lot of the things that she is blaming and accusing me of. But, for some reason she validates and justifies her reasons for doing it, but my reasons for doing it are poor. She seems to be victimizing herself. It's as if she can do no wrong and I'm always the big bad evil villain.. She also talks to her friends/family about our problems after she crucified me for doing the same thing..

Her thinking is also very black and white.. No grey areas. It's either this or that, good or bad, love or hate..

I have told her countless times that I am sorry and want to make up for my mistakes. I've been there for her every time that she needs me, have not insulted her or questioned anything, even when she's angry with me, but she doesn't seem to believe anything I say. She thinks I'm just trying to get back into her life so I can hurt her more, which is not true..

She has started new medications, but is still extremely angry most of the time at everyone and says she does not want contact with anyone.. She has me blocked at the moment and does not want to speak to me anymore. But, I have a feeling that after time goes by, she will contact me again..

I love this girl very much, despite everything that has happened..

Can someone PLEASE help me make sense out of this mess and explain to me what she is thinking and why she is doing this?
 
D

Dissatisfied

Guest
You mentioned that you advice her to sort her life out but she often gets angry.

You probably do this out of caring for her.

But the best thing to do, even if it's the hardest thing, is not to give her any advice about her life. She is at an age where she needs to make her own decisions, and it's quite disempowering to let others make your decisions for you. I feel that she is doing the right thing by getting angry and continuing to do what she wants - because she is also letting you know she's not going to be dependent on you, and she can control her own life (even if you think she is making the wrong choices) which is a healthy state to be, more healthier than relying on a partner to make the decisions.

I was in a relationship for 7 years and he was always telling me what to do, he would demand dinner as soon as I got home from work, yet he never worked, he would order me about, and never did any housework, I quickly became a slave, but then he would tell me what to say and what to wear, and dictated to me about which friends I could and couldn't see - I became completely dependent on him and felt I couldn't make my own decisions, it was only until I ended up finishing it (it took me 4 yrs just to find the courage) and then I started living my life again making my own decisions.

Now everytime a bloke who I'm intimate tells me what to do or gives me advice, I get angry with them really quickly, because it's actually really triggering for me, I also feel that I'm more than capable of making my own decisions about my life, and that I don't need someone to tell me what to do, I need to be in loving relationships but I also need to make my own decisions aswell. It's important for me to have equal relationships, eitherwise it pushes me into a childlike state, where I feel angry and hurt. I fight back and do the opposite of what I'm being told to do. Being single you don't need anyone to give you advice, but you cope anyway, because you learn to trust your own decisions, it then becomes very difficult getting into a relationships and to given 'helpful' advice again.

Her getting angry doesn't mean she hates you, she is suffering yes, she possibly needs to find better ways of communicating, she possibly needs to go back to her suffering and explore the deep rooted reasons for her anger, and she is probably projecting a lot of it onto you, from her past.

Anger is a survival mechanism, and when someone has been abused, often they weren't able to get angry as children, but there comes a point (usually teenage years) where the anger explodes and everyone gets it, but the anger protects them from getting further abused, they had to get angry to make whatever happened to them stop - but then it becomes a problem when we carry on with that anger and affect the good relationships.
 
M

matt123

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Mar 9, 2014
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There were a few times where I did get pushy with my advice, but I never made decisions for her or tried to force her to do anything she didn't want to do. I never told her she couldn't hang out/talk with certain people, and I didn't expect anything. She may have taken my advice as being controlling by mistake though since I have a tendency to think my way is the best way, which I know it isn't...but we all get carried away.
 
D

Dissatisfied

Guest
You sound like you care about her a lot, and your advice is prob due to this wanting the best for her, and if things don't work out, she'll realise this one day and be grateful that you cared for her. But she prob gets angry with you because it can be frustrating when someone gives you advice, even if it's because they care.

There are ways to do it better, if you tell them they would be great at this or that, why don't you try it - it will probably be better received - but if it's, you don't do this or that, you should do that - then it sounds a bit patronising.
 
M

matt123

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Joined
Mar 9, 2014
Messages
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Its been 8 days since I last heard from her. She still has me blocked on facebook, and I haven't tried to contact her. I still miss her dearly, and with the state of mind she was in at the time, I don't think this situation is what she wanted to happen.. Do you think she wiill she ever talk to me again or try to contact me?
 
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