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Need advice dealing with longterm Girlfriends Depression

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Johnk1991

Member
Joined
Apr 16, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Washington
Good morning,

slight details changed to protect our anonymity, & sorry for length but I want to be detailed. here we go:

I’m 28, my girlfriend is as well, and we’ve spent 9 years in A wonderful relationship. We’ve spent the last 9 years traveling the world, talking about the future & becoming part of each other’s family. We live together and have for years. She’s kind, loving, sweet and really caring.

Shes always acknowledged having low self confidence, severe anxiety & bad feelings about herself. She struggled with mental health in high school, having had bulimia, and I actually didn’t know until now but was diagnosed with clinical depression at the same time. For 9 years, she’s been pretty okay. She’s always been anxious, but I’ve always tried to be there for her.

about 5 weeks ago, her behavior was starting to get a little strange. I went through her phone one morning. I found text messages that were effective sexual advances from a guy she had met a couple weeks prior. Nothing sexual had occurred based off these texts, however he had invited her over to his house at night and she said oh maybe this weekend. I’ve never been controlling, but this had crossed the line.

the following day, I sat her down and bluntly asked her if she had ever cheated on me. She responded yes, 2.5 years ago. she got very upset, begged me to stay the whole I’ll do anything etc.

I leave for a couple days and then come back, explaining to her that this is going to be really hard like how my trust in her is altered but I was very clear that I still loved her and was hopeful of this future for us. She said she was ready to do whatever it took.

We went to a therapist, it went decently well and she seemed to be making the effort to address the concerns I had. About 10 days in, something changed. She started shutting down and behaving really erratically. She became incapable of addressing any of the feelings I had after a revelation like that. She began telling me things like I ruined our lives, I feel so hopeless, I can’t believe I did that to you I’m a terrible person, all these negative self thoughts. My reaction to that was of course trying to talk her through why I don’t view it that way. That turned quickly to pushing me away, telling me that I deserved so much more and needed to save myself from her. Within days, it turned to what I recognize now as full blown depression and the girl I’ve known for 9 years was gone. I was very confused, having just found out I was cheated on and it looked like at face value she couldn’t deal with any of it and Was pushing me out of her life.

she was so overwhelmed, telling me she couldn’t do the work, unable to discuss any aspect of our relationship without this having taken over and all logic, reason and planning out the window. I’ve had experience with drug addiction, and she was in a place that I can only compare to the insanity that comes with active addiction. She was a totally different person, and just began behaving extremely erratically - selfishly, unable to acknowledge my feelings. For the past 21 days, she has hardly come home telling me it makes her too sad, so she began staying at a friends house unable to confront, discuss or make a plan as to what we were doing. I probably pushed her too hard, but I had never dealt with someone with depression and had no clue what was going on - I had just gotten cheated on, begged to stay and started doing the work and she began pushing me away not communicating what was going on. I approached it from a place of logic at first which I recognize now made it worse and made her self doubt worse. It’s turned into she recognizes she’s treating me terribly right now, and that probably makes her feel worse about herself, but it’s this cycle.

It was a very powerless feeling, and it still is, but I’m trying to learn as much as I can because she’s at such a bad place that I absolutely cannot walk away from her right now in the state that she’s in. She’s effectively Removed herself from our home & relationship temporarily, telling me she needs to “work on herself” but is unable to quantify what that looks like and or the decisions she has to make. She’s actively trying to get me to break up with her.

Her parents and I have gotten her to a couple psychiatry appointments, one med made her feel weird so she started a second this week and we’re just in a holding pattern with her at a friends house going on 3-4 weeks. I’m giving her space, but am sitting here wondering do We need to try and get her to inpatient treatment? Her parents and I together probably cover like 50% of her expenses, so we have leverage. I feel like she’s at this tipping point in her life where she’s blowing up her entire life because of this depression. I’m terrified that I’m so powerless and she’s pushed me so far away. I had a very close friend commit suicide in high school and I’m aware of the suicide rates that accompany this thing.

any advice is much appreciated and thank you for reading my long Schpeel
 
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shirley u gessed

Active member
Joined
Apr 16, 2020
Messages
33
Location
the south
Would it be mean of me to say that you should first, apologize for spying on her, then let her go. She will come back.
 
J

Johnk1991

Member
Joined
Apr 16, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Washington
I don’t think it’d be mean as it’s not particularly good advice for someone who respects themselves? A healthy relationship to me doesn’t involve a faithful spouse apologizing to their cheating partner for finding out, does it to you? The texts I found would also not remotely be okay with any self respecting person attempting to have a healthy relationship.
 
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Rlizzy123

Guest
Hi there! I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this, it’s not nice when we find out someone’s cheated on them. ive been dealing with anxiety and depression for so long but only recently got help. Your girlfriends story sounds similar to mine. I cheated on my boyfriend by kissing another guy (unforgivable and disgusting I know) and I don’t want to make excuse but I was so dissociated from my life due to my mental health I felt like life wasnt real it was all a game I was watching, I could even hear voices at one point and I believe this was the reason for my dangerous reckless behaviour. I feel terrible I love my boyfriend so much and I shouldn’t have done it. My past behaviour has given me worse anxiety. I don’t tell my boyfriend a lot about my mental health there’s still a lot he doesn’t know and I think if he sat me down and just said “what’s wrong tell me everything” I probably would, when I go to tell him it’s like something’s holding me back. sorry for the life story. Take care.
 
J

Johnk1991

Member
Joined
Apr 16, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Washington
Hi there! I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this, it’s not nice when we find out someone’s cheated on them. ive been dealing with anxiety and depression for so long but only recently got help. Your girlfriends story sounds similar to mine. I cheated on my boyfriend by kissing another guy (unforgivable and disgusting I know) and I don’t want to make excuse but I was so dissociated from my life due to my mental health I felt like life wasnt real it was all a game I was watching, I could even hear voices at one point and I believe this was the reason for my dangerous reckless behaviour. I feel terrible I love my boyfriend so much and I shouldn’t have done it. My past behaviour has given me worse anxiety. I don’t tell my boyfriend a lot about my mental health there’s still a lot he doesn’t know and I think if he sat me down and just said “what’s wrong tell me everything” I probably would, when I go to tell him it’s like something’s holding me back. sorry for the life story. Take care.
I appreciate your story, and you sound very in tune with yourself and I’d be enthused if my girlfriend were! She’s in and out of denial, some of her lines include “I’m not depressed I’m going through a rough time.”
it’s almost like she’s okay with us knowing, but when it comes to acknowledging it directly she denies.
 
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Rlizzy123

Guest
I appreciate your story, and you sound very in tune with yourself and I’d be enthused if my girlfriend were! She’s in and out of denial, some of her lines include “I’m not depressed I’m going through a rough time.”
it’s almost like she’s okay with us knowing, but when it comes to acknowledging it directly she denies.
At one point I wasn’t. I was wild out every night, just a wreck. I was also in denial about how I felt but there was always that feeling in my stomach that I didn’t want to live anymore. Being reckless was the only way to know I was alive, like I said life felt like a game. I was okay with people knowing but when I actually had to say the words “I have serve anxiety and depression” i couldn’t, it was like accepting defeat. There was 4 words that the doctor said to me that changed my life, It was the first time I went to see her and I told her how I was feeling and she said to me “you are so brave”, it was small but it was like someone finally lifted all the weight off my shoulders. I got those 4 words tattooed on me because they made that much of an impact.
 
J

Johnk1991

Member
Joined
Apr 16, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Washington
At one point I wasn’t. I was wild out every night, just a wreck. I was also in denial about how I felt but there was always that feeling in my stomach that I didn’t want to live anymore. Being reckless was the only way to know I was alive, like I said life felt like a game. I was okay with people knowing but when I actually had to say the words “I have serve anxiety and depression” i couldn’t, it was like accepting defeat. There was 4 words that the doctor said to me that changed my life, It was the first time I went to see her and I told her how I was feeling and she said to me “you are so brave”, it was small but it was like someone finally lifted all the weight off my shoulders. I got those 4 words tattooed on me because they made that much of an impact.
What lead you to the realization and acceptance you suffered from anxiety and depression? It seems that’s obviously the first step to recovery from anything!!
 
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Rlizzy123

Guest
What lead you to the realization and acceptance you suffered from anxiety and depression? It seems that’s obviously the first step to recovery from anything!!
my boyfriend just told me straight “you need to see the doctor, you’re depressed”, I also was suicidal and didn’t want my actions to make him feel the way I feel, and I did go to the doctor and I accepted her help. I still suffer from anxiety it’s not gone away but I feel more in control. I never knew what dissociation was until the doctor explained it to me and suddenly everything made sense.
 
J

Johnk1991

Member
Joined
Apr 16, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Washington
my boyfriend just told me straight “you need to see the doctor, you’re depressed”, I also was suicidal and didn’t want my actions to make him feel the way I feel, and I did go to the doctor and I accepted her help. I still suffer from anxiety it’s not gone away but I feel more in control. I never knew what dissociation was until the doctor explained it to me and suddenly everything made sense.
sounds so straight forward good for you, I hope it continues to improve. You didn’t experience any of the pushing loved ones away when trying to get you help? That’s one of the most confusing things to deal with!
 
R

Rlizzy123

Guest
sounds so straight forward good for you, I hope it continues to improve. You didn’t experience any of the pushing loved ones away when trying to get you help? That’s one of the most confusing things to deal with!
Thank you! I didn’t really push my loved ones away no but I can be very snappy with this just due to my low mood. It seems like your girlfriend coping mechanism is just pushing everyone away, maybe she feels so guilty about what she done that she thinks it’s best to not talk to anyone about it. I understand you’re thinking of her mental health but you also need to focus on yours and make sure this situation doesn’t harm you in anyway.
 
J

Johnk1991

Member
Joined
Apr 16, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Washington
Thank you! I didn’t really push my loved ones away no but I can be very snappy with this just due to my low mood. It seems like your girlfriend coping mechanism is just pushing everyone away, maybe she feels so guilty about what she done that she thinks it’s best to not talk to anyone about it. I understand you’re thinking of her mental health but you also need to focus on yours and make sure this situation doesn’t harm you in anyway.
She’s very snappy too. she definitely feels overwhelming guilty and horrible about herself and it’s really overwhelmed her and become too much and just caused her to shut down, but it’s a cycle of realizing how she’s acting right now and then she feels worse and worse about what she’s doing to me but acknowledges she’s not able to be anything for me right now.

yeah it’s a strange situation, because of course I have to consider myself too. but she’s not in a mindset where she can plan out “okay, I’m depressed and that’s why I feel this way, so we’ll do x y z and try and fix it and get our lives Back.” It’s a lot more dramatic, hopeless and disorganized on her end.

while I’m certainly anxious, blindsided and at times depressed, (I don’t believe I’d fit any clinical criteria - yet lol) Im hanging in there and doing the only thing I can which is move forward, whatever that is.
 
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Rlizzy123

Guest
I’m honestly so very sorry about your situation, it’s obvious you care for her so much. Psychiatrists ask you a lot about your past and some people may not be comfortable with this, My psychiatrist came off a bit blunt but she did manage to help. It maybe be worthwhile looking at other routes of help that she will be comfortable with, like a psychologist may be better. I didn’t even realise how different the 2 were until the psychiatrist explained it.
 
J

Johnk1991

Member
Joined
Apr 16, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Washington
she ended the relationship about 10 days ago and moved out citing "I need to learn how to do things for myself and be independent" and "I'm not sure if I'm in love with you." as the reasons. Not much further explanation. She's gone, abruptly, and I honestly don't even recognize who she has become. Its extraordinarily difficult, I've gone from a 9 year relationship, discussing marriage and children with her to that within like 6 weeks. I want to be there for her, but she's literally just pushed me out of her life. Selfishly, I think I want her back at some point, but I haven't been able to speak to her really because of whats transpired its been too difficult.

How do I best support her and be there for someone who I care about more than anyone in the world, but has pushed me out of their life and just abruptly ended the relationship in a state of what appears to be severe depression?
 
L

Let_it_end

Active member
Joined
May 3, 2020
Messages
32
Location
USA
How do I best support her and be there for someone who I care about more than anyone in the world, but has pushed me out of their life and just abruptly ended the relationship in a state of what appears to be severe depression?
I read through your posts and you make a lot of absolute-type statements about what SHE is feeling. And I think that’s dangerous stomping grounds. When we start thinking we KNOW what someone else feels, we create our own stories which very well may be far from what’s actually going on in reality.

You keep telling a story of: she feels this way, she’s behaving this way because of x y z, she wants this, etc

But how do you truly know? You don’t.

What you do know is this:
“I found text messages that were effective sexual advances from a guy she had met a couple weeks prior. Nothing sexual had occurred based off these texts, however he had invited her over to his house at night and she said oh maybe this weekend”

I don’t doubt your observation that she’s in some depressed/distressed state. But I think it isn’t fair to overlook certain facts in favor of creating a story that’s more easy for you to swallow.

If you want to pursue her and you’re unwilling to give up on her, then you’re entitled to that. But be open minded and ready to accept things as they really are
 
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Let_it_end

Active member
Joined
May 3, 2020
Messages
32
Location
USA
It’s too late for me to edit my post, but I wanted to add that that in addition to this:

“about 5 weeks ago, her behavior was starting to get a little strange. I went through her phone one morning. I found text messages that were effective sexual advances from a guy she had met a couple weeks prior. Nothing sexual had occurred based off these texts, however he had invited her over to his house at night and she said oh maybe this weekend.”

there is this:

“she ended the relationship about 10 days ago and moved out citing "I need to learn how to do things for myself and be independent" and "I'm not sure if I'm in love with you." as the reasons.”


This is a woman who has already been playing with fire. The top quote is evidence backing her claim of, “I’m not sure I’m in love with you anymore”

So, why don’t you believe her?

It’s possible her “strange behavior” is because she’s no longer into you and has been cheating on you.

It’s possible she’s spiraling because you are inventing stories and won’t let her leave.

Consider all options and take the truth as it comes, not how you invent it.
 
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